I'm not going to apply to have Tig Notaro perform in my backyard for her new Showtime special because I don't trust myself. I don't trust myself not to hug her immediately after she arrives, and then 25 more times throughout the night. I don't trust myself not to continually offer her food item after food item that I'll lie about having made myself even though it's actually take-out because I want to impress her. I don't trust myself not to ask if I can maybe drink just a little bit of her blood, in the hopes it would make me half as funny as she is.

But you? You should totally have Tig Notaro perform in your backyard.

Liana Maeby grew up in Los Angeles and it has made her just as terrible as you'd expect. A graduate of USC's film school, she previously worked as an editor for Crushable.com, and has written for publications like Interview and The Village Voice. Her first book, a satirical work entitled "Earl Can Hurl (You Can Hurl Too)" written when she was eight, remains unpublished.