I'm not going to apply to have Tig Notaro perform in my backyard for her new Showtime special because I don't trust myself. I don't trust myself not to hug her immediately after she arrives, and then 25 more times throughout the night. I don't trust myself not to continually offer her food item after food item that I'll lie about having made myself even though it's actually take-out because I want to impress her. I don't trust myself not to ask if I can maybe drink just a little bit of her blood, in the hopes it would make me half as funny as she is.

But you? You should totally have Tig Notaro perform in your backyard.