A plague of YA novel adaptations continues to infect our movie screens unabated. Can nothing stop this menace wrought by three box offices triumphs and fifteen thousand resounding failures? Probably not. 

The latest offering comes in the form of James Dashner's trilogy 'The Maze Runner'. Because what would be the point in optioning a film you can't turn into a series, right? But much like any story that involves a maze, I couldn't help but wonder the same thing. Why the actual hell do the protagonists not climb out of the maze? Is that not Basic Death Maze Trying To Kill You 101? I mean, it's not like there's an easy way out just by taking an elevator or something…

 

 

Oh. I see. So these guys are trapped in this huge concrete hedge maze that would send the Red Queen into a jealous rage ending in beheadings left and right and there is a clear exit that opens at regular intervals to spit out food, water, and new prisoners. Annnnnnnd the reason they aren't jamming the gears open with stick is because why? Well maybe they don't have anything to use. It's not like there are just trees all over the place….

 

 

Oh. I see. Man that is a lot of old growth. This maze has been around for a long time and appears to have the same groundskeeper that was tending the Craven household at Misselthwaite Manor. Only with 100% less scoliosis. Some of those even look big enough to chop down and construct into gear-jamming instruments of escape or at the very least a ladder and a bridge to climb up and then over until low and behold you're free at last. But hey it's not like whoever is holding these kids hostage would give them the tools to build structures….

 

 

Oh. I see. You guys couldn't have built that tower, I don't know, forty feet to the right so it butted up against the wall and you could climb to freedom? And you've all been carving your names into the walls? That means the walls are a soft enough rock to dig into. You could've been halfway to a rock wall of freedom by now. The Count of Monte Cristo is so disappointed in every last one of you. In fact, I'm beginning to doubt your commitment to escape. This feels like lip service, as if you know you should want to escape but in actuality the comfort of the known feels safer than venturing out into the terrifying unknown…oh my God is this a metaphor for becoming an adult?

 

 

Oh. I see. Nope. No metaphor. Just a good old-fashioned 'Cube'-like death trap run by a relative of HAL 9000. Sorry kids, you're doomed. But maybe it's for the best. Survival of the fittest and all. 

See the whole trailer for 'The Maze Runner' — in theaters September 19th — over here.