And these are only from the first forty minutes of An Unexpected Journey. Before you head out to see Desolation of Smaug this weekend, take a look back at how this is really the story of a Hobbit manipulated by a sociopathic wizard and his merry company of thoughtless dwarves.


#1 - Gandalf appears homeless and belligerently insane.


Photo Credit: Warner Bros.

Imagine this scenario. You are sitting on your front porch, just enjoying your morning, when suddenly a vaguely disheveled old man appears in front of you. On your guard because you were rightly taught the danger of strangers in your childhood, you offer him a tentative "Good morning." The old man then goes off on a riddle rant, becoming more and more agitated that you don't know who he is. Is this a man you would trust? Or a man you would mace? If you answered the latter, congratulations! You have self-preservation skills.

 

 

#2 - Gandalf is so old he's forgotten the rules of polite society.


Photo Credit: Warner Bros.

After reminding Bilbo that of course they know each other and it's not his fault Bilbo's childhood memories are spotty (because what child wouldn't keep a catalogue of every old man they met like twice?) Gandalf proceeds to carve graffiti onto the front door THAT IS MAHOGANY and invite thirteen complete strangers to Bilbo's house in the dead of night with zero warning. By the power vested in me by the power of myself, I declare Bilbo Baggins to henceforth be called Saint Bilbo for the rest of this post because it completely counts as three miracles that he didn't fly into a Chicago-style "…it wasn't until later when I was washing the blood off my hands I even knew they were dead.." murderous rage.

 

 

#3 - The lack of a proper Dwarven homeland has turn them all into uncouth jerks.


Photo Credit: Warner Bros.

In no particular order, here is a list of things one should never do when a guest in someone else's home: Invite yourself in after the host expressly stated you should go away, wipe your muddy boots on the host's mother's jewelry box, treat the host like a coat check girl, eat the host's meal, sit in the host's antique decorative chair that's been in their family for generations, help yourself to everything in the pantry without asking, use the stove to cook for yourself without asking, rearrange furniture, have dinner at the host's expense without bothering to ask them to join you, sing a song mocking the host's frustrations with your barbarous behavior, have an extended family reunion while excluding the host from conversation, and forget to offer monetary compensation for your gluttonous behavior. Guess how many of these the dwarves did to Saint Bilbo, all while Gandalf quietly laughed at the Hobbit's growing anger? If you said 'all of them' you win!

 

 

#4 - Gandalf is that guy — thinking he knows Saint Bilbo better then he knows himself.


Photo Credit: Warner Bros.

Everyone hates that guy Gandalf. Don't be that guy. Assuming that because a boy on the periphery of your life enjoyed being boisterous and fearless as a child means you can uproot him from his adult life decades later on a whim is ignorant at best and arrogant at worst. Using the carrot of "adventure" and the stick of peer pressure to force someone to do something is wrong.

 


#5 - Gandalf is a charming, lying user.


Photo Credit: Warner Bros.

Are all wizards sociopaths or is Gandalf just special? It takes a certain detachedness to think to yourself "I need to get to Smaug so we can kill him before the Big Bad™ can turn the dragon to his nefarious purposes which endangers the entirety of Middle Earth. But I can't let anyone know what's up lest it cause panic. I know! I'll offer to help the son of the Dwarven King in retaking his homeland by slaying the beast. Hmmmm, but Smaug knows what dwarves and wizards smell like. But not Hobbits! Hmmm, which Hobbit do I know that lacks the mental fortitude to resist me and will cave to pressure? Saint Bilbo Baggins! But wait, why would the dwarves take a non-warrior, non-dwarf on their quest? I'll tell them he's a professional burglar and the only one who can do the sneaking! I'll have these idiot puppets dancing to my tune. Oh Gandalf you are brilliant!"

So just remember, whenever you are running low on patience and feel like you just can't deal with the socially tone-deaf people in your lives, just invoke Saint Bilbo to give you the strength not to cut a bitch.