Paris Hilton signs with Cash Money: 5 other bogus music careers that need reviving
Didn't get enough of Paris Hilton's vapid sex-bot routine in musical form the first time around? Well, today's your lucky day, as the kitten-voiced human spray tan has officially been signed to Birdman's Cash Money Records for a brand-new album of house music. Which sounds like the perfect soundtrack for a sleazy Hollywood executive's existential meltdown, and trust us, it will be.
But seriously though, we're happy for that emptied-out shell of a person, and to celebrate the exciting news we've compiled a list of five other questionable music careers that deserve a revival just as much as Paris's.
1) Tina Yothers
This one's a no-brainer. With Michael J. Fox gearing up for a new sitcom in the fall, why not capitalize on the inevitable "Family Ties" nostalgia by giving his former co-star Tina Yothers a record deal? Sure, she may be 40 and a walking "South Park" punchline, but who says the "Celebrity Fit Club" participant can't have a second chance at pop stardom? After all, who could forget her 1987 reggae-pop classic "Girlie Girlie," in which she affected a Jamaican accent for no apparent reason? And her sub-Courtney Love phase in the late 1990s as a member of Jaded? Yes, this was meant to happen.
2) Steven Seagal
Did you know Steven Seagal has magic fingers? Of course you did, and it's time to get the bloated former action star out of the Jefferson Parish police headquarters (or wherever the hell he and his kimono have been not doing stuff out lately) and back in the music studio where he belongs. After all, the world demands a proper follow-up to his "outsider country-meets-world music-meets-Aikido" masterpiece "Songs from the Crystal Cave." I mean, for goodness' sake, just look at this album cover. Just look.
3) Mr. T
"Treat your mother right," sings Mr. T in his 1984 motivational video "Be Somebody...or Be Somebody's Fool!," and he's got a point there. Sure, he hasn't been relevant since the Reagan years, but take one look at T.'s magnetic butter-brown thighs in the below clip and and tell me you don't see dollar signs.
4) John Tesh
The "lite-saxophone" genre just hasn't been the same since John Tesh stopped putting out albums, and unfortunately his status as a relevant punchline has dried up along with his muzak-al output. Well dammit, that's got to change, and I'm tasking Cash Money with putting the former "Entertainment Tonight" host's musical comeback into motion. Waiting rooms all over the country are demanding a renaissance.
5) Kim Zolciak
"Tardy for the Party, Pt. 2." That's all I'm sayin'.
2008 | Science Fiction | PGSummary: Animated series continues the story of Obi-Wan Kenobi and Anakin Skywalker as they battle the Emperor Palpatine, Count Dooku and General Grievous, but also takes time to explore other smaller characters in the Star Wars universe.Director: George Lucas (creator)
Cast: Tom Kane, Dee Bradley Baker, Matt Lanter
2013 | Comedy | NRSummary: Insanely funny comedy show created by Amy Schumer, who stars in brilliantly funny sketches about sex, city living, dating, and friendship.Director: Daniel Powell, Amy Schumer (creators)
Cast: Amy Schumer, Kevin Kane, Mike Houston
1993 | Sports | PGSummary: Emotionally powerful sports classic featuring Sean Astin as a skinny high school kid with big football dreams and the determination to make his way towards his dream team at Notre Dame.Director: David Anspaugh
Cast: Sean Astin, Jon Favreau, Ned Beatty
1996 | Crime | RSummary: Jerry, a small-town Minnesota car salesman is bursting at the seams with debt... but he's got a plan. He's going to hire two thugs to kidnap his wife in a scheme to collect a hefty ransom from his wealthy father-in-law. It's going to be a snap and nobody's going to get hurt... until people start ...Director: Joel Coen
Cast: William H. Macy, Frances McDormand, Steve Buscemi, Peter Stormare
1995 | Mystery | NRSummary: Denzel Washington plays an out of work WWII vet who takes the wrong job and is soon neck-deep in a mess of politics, murder, and jazz in '40s Los Angeles.Director: Carl Franklin
Cast: Denzel Washington, Tom Sizemore, Jennifer Beals
2013 | Thriller | RSummary: Based on the true story of Daniel Lugo (Mark Wahlberg) a Miami bodybuilder who wants to live the American dream. He would like to have the money that other people have. So he enlists the help of fellow bodybuilder Adrian Doorbal (Anthony Mackie) and ex-convict, Christian bodybuilder Paul Doyle (D...Director: Michael Bay
Cast: Mark Wahlberg, Dwayne Johnson, Anthony Mackie, Tony Shalhoub
2007 | Comedy | PGSummary: Newlyweds Nick (Ice Cube) and Suzanne (Long) decide to move to the suburbs to provide a better life for their two kids. But their idea of a dream home is disturbed by a contractor (McGinley) with a bizarre approach to business.Director: Steve Carr
Cast: John C. McGinley, Ice Cube, Nia Long, Aleisha Allen
2013 | Drama | RSummary: Leonardo DiCaprio and Jonah Hill have boundless energy in the story of a real-life commodities crook who earned millions through scummy small-time stock trades.Director: Martin Scorsese
Cast: Leonardo DiCaprio, Jonah Hill, Margot Robbie
1997 | Crime | RSummary: Quentin Tarantino adaptats an Elmore Leonard novel into this story of a few increasingly desperate people scraping to get by.Director: Quentin Tarantino
Cast: Pam Grier, Samuel L. Jackson, Robert Forster
Let Streaming Genie help you.