Here's what we know about Lifetime's upcoming masterwork "The Unauthorized 'Saved by the Bell' Story": It's based on Dustin Diamond's memoirs. It's going to shed light on the friction between the show's cast members. Finally, it's going to be perfect. That's all I know and care to know.

In this new trailer, watch as those damn kids continue to argue with each other during a photo shoot. Elizabeth Berkley thinks Mario Lopez smells! Mark-Paul Gosselaar is a mean yellow-haired kid! Dustin Diamond does not like to be called Screech! All of these crucially dramatic details come to life in vivid Technicolor.

You can so tell there is no story here. That line about hormones is excruciating. The acting is grim and boring. I can't wait to watch this on Labor Day so I can perfect my Lisa Turtle eyeroll again and again.