Now that actual real film and/or television adaptations of things like the diabetes-inducing candy 'Peeps,' the parental torture device 'It's A Small World,' and Mattel's perpetually smiling doll 'Barbie: The Movie,' are actually really happening, it is time. Humanity is so bereft of ideas it is finally time for the world of infomercials to become a horror franchise. Laugh all you want but there's a terrifying secret lurking just under the surface of these comically bumbling fools.
Everyone knows the people who populate the parallel universe in which infomercial products are life-saving inventions and not just a quick cash grab are idiots. These people can't sit down without spilling soda, can't walk outside without tripping over nothing. But has anyone ever questioned why? Why are mundane tasks beyond them, such simple every day processes terrifying and challenging? I'll tell you why. Because every inanimate object in that universe is constantly trying to kill them.
Imagine living in a world where just pointing out mops are superior to brooms causes this nightmare scenario. THEY'RE RIGHT BEHIND YOU! TURN AROUND! OH GOD!
A world where bloody death is so common a product has been invented to make clean-up quick and easy. Just look at this woman's dead-eyed smile as she tries in vain to block out the memory of the screams.
Not convinced that 'But Wait, There's More…Death!' isn't the next sleeper hit? After the jump, see more compelling evidence that infomercials are merely a window into a hellish alternate reality…like 'Pleasantville' but with like 47% less racism.
All GIFS courtesy of Reddit's hilarious 'Where Did The Soda Go?' subreddit.
1988 | Action | RSummary: Action-comedy setups are rarely as well executed as this story of a bounty hunter transporting an embezzler from New York to Los Angeles. Robert De Niro and Charles Grodin are ideally matched sparring partners for both action and comedy.Director: Martin Brest
Cast: Robert De Niro, Charles Grodin, Yaphet Kotto
2007 | Crime | NRSummary: Glenn Close has a dream role as a high-powered lawyer who won’t let ethics get in the way of taking down her targets; Rose Byrne shows incredible range as the protege who hardens up fast under Close’s tutelage.Director: Glenn Kessler, Todd A. Kessler, Daniel Zelman (Creators)
Cast: Glenn Close, Rose Byrne, Tate Donovan
1979 | Action | RSummary: Prominent gang leader Cyrus calls a meeting of New York's gangs to set aside their turf wars and take over the city. At the meeting, a rival leader kills Cyrus, but a Coney Island gang called the Warriors is wrongly blamed for Cyrus' death. Before you know it, the cops and every gangbanger in tow...Director: Walter Hill
Cast: James Remar, Michael Beck, David Patrick Kelly, Dorsey Wright
2002 | Thriller | RSummary: A cop with a shady past investigates a murder in Alaska, but when his partner is gunned down during a manhunt, things get really murky. Al Pacino stars, and Robin Williams delivers one of his darkest performances.Director: Christopher Nolan
Cast: Al Pacino, Hilary Swank, Robin Williams
2004 | Fantasy | PGSummary: Ella of Frell is given the "gift of obedience" by a fairy, only to realize that it's more of a curse because it could separate her from her true love, Prince Charmont. Will Ella manage to conjure a "cure" that enables her to live happily ever after?Director: Tommy O'Haver
Cast: Anne Hathaway, Hugh Dancy, Cary Elwes, Aidan McArdle
1996 | Action | PGSummary: Amy is only 13 years old when her mother is killed. She goes to Canada to live with her father, an eccentric inventor whom she barely knows. Amy is miserable in her new life... until she discovers a nest of goose eggs that were abandoned when a local forest is torn down. The eggs hatch and Amy be...Director: Carroll Ballard
Cast: Jeff Daniels, Anna Paquin, Dana Delany, Terry Kinney
2014 | Animation | PGSummary: A young boy and his dog, who happens to have a genius-level IQ, spring into action when their time-travel machine is stolen and moments in history begin to be changed.Director: Rob Minkoff
Cast: Ty Burrell, Max Charles, Ariel Winter, Allison Janney
2004 | | NRSummary: Tessel is determined to give her boyfriend the day of his life by marrying him. But the closer the big moment gets, the more Tessel starts to doubt everything: her dress, her boyfriend, her ex and most of all herself. In the end only one thing is clear: this will be a day to remember.Director: Marcel Visbeen
Cast: Ricky Koole, Martijn Nieuwerf, Anke Engels, Romijn Conen
2001 | Family | PGSummary: The children of a super-spy couple must rescue their parents when mom and dad are targeted by a powerful maniac with dreams of world domination in this clever spin of espionage action.Director: Robert Rodriguez
Cast: Alexa PenaVega, Daryl Sabara, Antonio Banderas
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