Now that actual real film and/or television adaptations of things like the diabetes-inducing candy 'Peeps,' the parental torture device 'It's A Small World,' and Mattel's perpetually smiling doll 'Barbie: The Movie,' are actually really happening, it is time. Humanity is so bereft of ideas it is finally time for the world of infomercials to become a horror franchise. Laugh all you want but there's a terrifying secret lurking just under the surface of these comically bumbling fools.

Everyone knows the people who populate the parallel universe in which infomercial products are life-saving inventions and not just a quick cash grab are idiots. These people can't sit down without spilling soda, can't walk outside without tripping over nothing. But has anyone ever questioned why? Why are mundane tasks beyond them, such simple every day processes terrifying and challenging? I'll tell you why. Because every inanimate object in that universe is constantly trying to kill them. 

Imagine living in a world where just pointing out mops are superior to brooms causes this nightmare scenario. THEY'RE RIGHT BEHIND YOU! TURN AROUND! OH GOD!

A world where bloody death is so common a product has been invented to make clean-up quick and easy. Just look at this woman's dead-eyed smile as she tries in vain to block out the memory of the screams.

Not convinced that 'But Wait, There's More…Death!' isn't the next sleeper hit? After the jump, see more compelling evidence that infomercials are merely a window into a hellish alternate reality…like 'Pleasantville' but with like 47% less racism.

All GIFS courtesy of Reddit's hilarious 'Where Did The Soda Go?' subreddit.