"Sometimes when I first wake up, I look in the mirror and I see a human being. Not a space alien or a mermaid or a slab of rotting meat covered in Muppets, but a regular human girl."

"And that girl doesn't need an entourage and a stadium full of adoring fans to make her happy. All she needs is a friend."

"A friend, and a hug."

"But then, as I start to wake up, and put on my wigs, and my 19-inch heels, and douse myself in my signature perfume, I realize that I am not just a human being, after all."

"Oh no. I am not normal. I am not boring. I am not just like everyone else. I am actually the farthest thing in the world from a regular girl.

"What I am... is a butt."

(photos via Terry's Diary)

Liana Maeby grew up in Los Angeles and it has made her just as terrible as you'd expect. A graduate of USC's film school, she previously worked as an editor for Crushable.com, and has written for publications like Interview and The Village Voice. Her first book, a satirical work entitled "Earl Can Hurl (You Can Hurl Too)" written when she was eight, remains unpublished.