Today is a day that will go down in Harry Potter fandom history! Our children's children's children will speak in hushed tones of where they were on July 8th, 2014 when our Lady Rowling deigned to bestow upon the masses a new Harry Potter story. Okay, okay. Everyone calm down. I AM TOTALLY CALM.

As the Quidditch World Cup on Pottermore draws to the final match, 'The Daily Prophet' received a highly detailed gossip report from Rita Skeeter because of course they did. In it she catalogues — with high speculation towards the negative and still talking smack about Ginny — what the likes of Harry, Ron, Hermione, and the rest have been up to as Dumbledore's Army ascends the VIP boxes to watch the final bout in a rare public appearance. Maybe they would show up at more public events if certain members of the media weren't such vicious harpies...just sayin'. Rowling keeps to the timeline, making Harry and company 34-ish years old, and their children all in existence and (mostly) in attendance. OH MY GOD THIS IS THE BEST.

Rita Skeeter/Rowling give hints to what life has doled out to each of our heroes as well as the juicy gossip as to which of the new generation is sneaking out for a late night snog with each other. Still no word on how modern day wizard kids survive without smartphones though. Rita perhaps even gives insight into cracks in old friendships and marriages...or it could just be Skeeter being Skeeter. AND DID YOU JUST IMPLY NEVILLE IS AN ALCOHOLIC? RUDE. 

One thing's for certain. If your OTP is Harry/Luna, they sadly have yet to hook up in attempt to rekindled a passion that has long since died in their respective marriages. To the fanfiction! Read the excerpt below then head over to Pottermore for the entire article. And if you don't have a Pottermore account, WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU SIGN UP RIGHT NOW!


Source: Pottermore

Interestingly, and to the surprise of no one, Skeeter has an ulterior motive for focusing on Potter and his cohorts in her Quidditch World Cup coverage. Apparently she has a new book coming out at the end of this month! But will it be a fictional book, never to see the light of day? Unlikely. But is 'Dumbledore's Army: The Dark Side of Demob' another Pottermore exclusive or just hints of a different title reaching the Muggle world on Harry Potter's 34th birthday? TELL ME NOW, ROWLING.

Wait a minute...demob is British for demobilization after a war as soldiers assimilate back into civilian life. Is Rita Skeeter writing a book about how everything was better before Harry Potter? How the dystopian military state masquerading as the Ministry was in the right?! THIS WAIT IS MORE EXCRUCIATING THAN A CRUCIATUS CURSE.


Source: Pottermore