Look, an owl attack is unquestionably scary thing, and you don't need to be embarrassed if you fear one happening to you. Unless, of course, the attack is perpetrated by the Tootsie Roll owl, who is kindly and completely nonthreatening. Except, then, okay, you'll have a sticky, owl-spit-covered lollipop stuck in your hair, which is a whole other kind of horror show.

Revised: Absolutely no owl attacks are welcome whatsoever, as kindly or wise as the bird in question may be.

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Liana Maeby grew up in Los Angeles and it has made her just as terrible as you'd expect. A graduate of USC's film school, she previously worked as an editor for Crushable.com, and has written for publications like Interview and The Village Voice. Her first book, a satirical work entitled "Earl Can Hurl (You Can Hurl Too)" written when she was eight, remains unpublished.