Look, an owl attack is unquestionably scary thing, and you don't need to be embarrassed if you fear one happening to you. Unless, of course, the attack is perpetrated by the Tootsie Roll owl, who is kindly and completely nonthreatening. Except, then, okay, you'll have a sticky, owl-spit-covered lollipop stuck in your hair, which is a whole other kind of horror show.

Revised: Absolutely no owl attacks are welcome whatsoever, as kindly or wise as the bird in question may be.

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