I don't know what makes me more uncomfortable: the theories and philosophies of Jaden and Willow Smith, who were just profiled in a cryptic New York Times interview, or the fact that The New York Times indulged the theories and philosophies of Jaden and Willow Smith with an interview.

Either way, the interview exists, and it is puzzling, surprising, and ultimately thrilling. We've excerpted its best and most surreal moments and summed up what lessons we've learned from the "Karate Kid" remake star and "Whip My Hair" songstress.


1. Literature recommendations

INTERVIEWER: What have you been reading?

WILLOW: Quantum physics. Osho.

JADEN: “The Ancient Secret of the Flower of Life” and ancient texts; things that can’t be pre-dated.'

Lesson: "The Ancient Secret of the Flower of Life" actually came out in 1999. So, indeed, nothing predates Jaden's favorite ancient text -- except the Persian Empire, the conquests of Napoleon, and the TV series "Coach."


2. Meditations on time


INTERVIEWER: I'm curious about your experience of time. Do you feel like life is moving really quickly? Is your music one way to sort of turn it over and reflect on it?

WILLOW: I mean, time for me, I can make it go slow or fast, however I please, and that’s how I know it doesn’t exist.

JADEN: It’s proven that how time moves for you depends on where you are in the universe. It’s relative to beings and other places. But on the level of being here on earth, if you are aware in a moment, one second can last a year. And if you are unaware, your whole childhood, your whole life can pass by in six seconds. But it’s also such a thing that you can get lost in.

Lesson: It doesn't matter if you're bouncing in the club when the heat is on all night on the beach til the break of dawn because you can stop time.


3. Meditations on meditation

WILLOW: Breathing is meditation; life is a meditation. You have to breathe in order to live, so breathing is how you get in touch with the sacred space of your heart.

JADEN: When babies are born, their soft spots bump: It has, like, a heartbeat in it. That’s because energy is coming through their body, up and down.

WILLOW: Prana energy.

JADEN: It’s prana energy because they still breathe through their stomach. They remember. Babies remember.

Lesson: It's possible Jaden and Willow learned about human anatomy from deleted scenes of "Battlefield Earth."


4. Education

JADEN: Here’s the deal: School is not authentic because it ends. It’s not true, it’s not real. Our learning will never end. The school that we go to every single morning, we will continue to go to.

WILLOW: Forever, ‘til the day that we’re in our bed.

JADEN: Kids who go to normal school are so teenagery, so angsty.

Lesson: At least Jaden and Willow admit they went, implicitly, to Abnormal School.


5. More about what babies know

WILLOW: When [babies] are in the stomach, they’re so aware, putting all their bones together, putting all their ligaments together. But they’re shocked by this harsh world.

JADEN: By the chemicals and things, and then slowly…

WILLOW: As they grow up, they start losing.

JADEN: You know, they become just like us.

Lesson: Parents just don't understand (the prana energy surging through their wombs).


6. Reaching your goals


JADEN: I have a goal to be just the most craziest person of all time. And when I say craziest, I mean, like, I want to do like Olympic-level things. I want to be the most durable person on the planet.

WILLOW: I think by the time we’re 30 or 20, we’re going to be climbing as many mountains as we can possibly climb.

Lesson: By age 20, Jaden and Willow Smith will have achieved all available human accomplishments. 


7. The most important lesson to learn is... unlearning.

INTERVIEWER: So is the hardest education the unlearning of things?

WILLOW: Yes, basically, but the crazy thing is it doesn’t have to be like that.

Lesson: If you think it's strange that Willow Smith is calling something crazy, remember you only have to do deal with her musings for another 986 years. That's when the Willennium ends.