Oh my Ra, it's happening. It's really happening. Roland Emmerich is getting the StarGate band back together for another trip to the desert planet of Abydos in an all new trilogy.

For a lot of people, StarGate was a weirdly fun movie that the History Channel Ancient Aliens guy treats like a documentary. But for a not-so-small subset of us, it was the kickoff to a universe rich with lore and DVD box seasons. If you don't want to see technologically advanced Egyptian 'gods' duke it out with benevolent Norse 'gods,' it's time to re-evaluate your priorities. I guess haters gonna hate but the rest of us who don't have joy turn to ash in our mouths will be over here waiting patiently for stuff like this.

#1 - 'StarGate' is basically 'The Mummy' mashed together with 'BattleStar Galactica.'


Image Credit: MGM

Ancient Egypt makes for rollicking good fun and we know it. Or we wouldn't keep throwing money at the likes of Harrison Ford and Brendan Fraser. But you know what makes ancient cultures better? Aliens. And bafflingly inept military schemes. What else but human hubris would see incomprehensible technology creating a giant portal to the other side of the universe and think 'I wanna touch it…with my gun.'

Whether or not Emmerich weaves in the lore from the show to give us a glimpse of the wider StarGate universe — with the Asgard being my personal choice because of the hilarity of a grey alien named Thor in today's Marvel-centric cinema — doesn't matter because we get to watch humans with guns fight aliens with laser beams while the local human chattel tries to figure out if these new gods in black fatigues are a good bet.   

#2 - James Spader is a lovable dork.


Image Credit: MGM

Look at this cutie. Sure he's filming 'Age of Ultron' right now but after that it's all fair game right? The trope of the non-violent scientist thrust into a violent conflict is a tale as old as time and audiences love it. Scrappy underdog is our second favorite trope, right behind tight-laced cop forced to partner with comedic relief. Of course, if Spader is busy I nominate Rachel Weisz for the role of lovable bookworm sassing her way straight to victory.

#3 - Dat portal.


Image Credit: MGM

Okay, okay. I retract my previous complaint about human hubris. There is literally no way in the known universe to resist at least sticking your hand into something that cool looking. It's the same primal urge that makes us press big red buttons or check to see if the 'wet paint' sign is telling the truth. The fact the lab techs in the room weren't drawn to it like moths to a flame might be the most unrealistic thing about this franchise.

#4 - The pyramids are landing docks which makes no sense but is glorious.


Image Credit: MGM

Look at this magnificent nonsense. The outer coating the Great Pyramid is long since eroded away but it still works? That is some seriously fine alien craftsmanship. If they're going to shit all over human ingenuity by implying our ancestors — who invented geometry — weren't intelligent enough to move rocks across sand without the cruel lash of alien overlords, at least they had the decency to make it look cool.

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