Slowly-deflating sex doll Lana Del Rey has released the video for her new 'Gatsby' tune "Young and Beautiful," and watching it teaches us that Miss Nancy-Sinatra-on-Vicodin cries not salty tears, but diamonds. As per usual, the singer comes across as perpetually just about to faint, or like she's living very, very slightly in slow-motion. In honor of the video and also as a tribute to the killer descriptive writing in those last two sentences, here are six of the most hilarious characterizations of the Internet's favorite pin-down girl, from bloggers and journalists across the nation:

6. ..."miscast, like a too-young housewife — a child bride trying to look grown." (Spin)

5. ...'tastefully blippy and languid, ready for airplay in a low-lit bar that has a menu just for its "martini" selection." (Village Voice)

4. ..." a persona that could have been concocted in one of David Lynch's wet dreams." (Slant)

3. ..."sent down from the buzz heavens." (Hipster Runoff)

2. ..."often at a loss when mobile." (The New Yorker)

1. ... "a newborn-foal-on-ice-falling-into-a-volcano" (Spin)