'Batman v. Superman v. Kramer' and Other Sequels We nEed
When I heard the title "Batman v. Superman: Dawn of Justice," I didn't snicker like most of the internet. I immediately wondered what sequels such a perfect, restrained movie title could spawn. Here are the five we need most desperately.
1. Batman v. Superman v. Kramer: Dawn of Divorce Justice
After a contentious separation, Batman realizes he must shape up as a man, as a parent. When reunited in court with his icy ex Superman, he realizes Clark Kent is the true, rightful guardian of their child. Superman weeps to the prosecutor about how broken he is as a person and argues he shouldn't be punished for abandoning his child; he needed to become a whole human being again. Batman's neighbor is Jane Alexander.
2. Batman v. Superman v. Tony Orlando and Dawn of Justice
Batman and Superman band together in this revenge fantasy against the evil and enchanting Tony Orlando, who is threatening to knock the Earth three times with stellar harmonies.
3. Batman v. Saunders: Dawn French of Justice
Dawn French has had enough of Jennifer Saunders' droll comic stylings and opts to destroy her in "Batman v. Saunders: Dawn of Justice." She succeeds using fantastic characters.
4. Batman v. Superman: Dawn of the Planet of the Justice
Superman, a bored alien, and Batman, a bored billionaire, pretend their petty fight is significant as an evolved species of superape establishes itself as Earth's dominant species. Batman and Superman are soon crushed by a passing primate who finds them both weak and annoying. Amy Adams is Oscar-nominated and does not win for her supporting performance.
5. Batman v. Superman: Red Dawn of Justice
Superman, Batman, and Lea Thompson team up against Josh Hutcherson in a battle to preserve the memory of awful Patrick Swayze vehicles. You won't succeed this time, teensy little Peeta.