Prompted by who-knows-what reasoning, Alec Baldwin recently decided to bid farewell once more to the public spotlight via a long and meandering essay. Published in the February 24, 2014 print edition of New York Magazine and then online at Vulture yesterday evening, the missive seems to have no catalyst. Instead Baldwin is simply 'fed up' with how the media machine works in the 21st century. So now he's going to take his ball and home..this time for super serious you guys. You can read his rant in its entirety over here but I've saved you the trouble by pulling out the choicest bits. Can you live-blog a written article? Well if you couldn't before today, you can now. Here we go!

 

'Alec Baldwin: Good-bye, Public Life'

 

Off to a great start. This title sets the tone for the essay. And that tone is a letter scrawled in a notebook, left open on the kitchen table for mom to find because Alec's running away from home cuz life is hard and unfair and he s to the Minit Mart before realizing at fourteen he has no money for bus fare and has to call mom to come pick him up and by the way, what's for dinner?

 

'I flew to Hawaii recently to shoot a film, fresh on the heels of being labeled a homophobic bigot by Andrew Sullivan, Anderson Cooper, and others in the Gay Department of Justice. I wanted to speak with a gay-rights group that I had researched and admired, so I called its local Honolulu branch.'

 

Because he wants to prove he's not homophobic, just in a place as far from reporters and judgement as possible. Asking to be held accountable for his words isn't on the agenda of being a super awesome ally.

 

'One young man, an F-to-M tranny, said, “Are you here to get dry-cleaned, like Brett Ratner?”'

 

*Record scratch…* Oh my God. No Alec Baldwin. No. I swear to Christ I'm going to get a spray bottle full of water and spritz you like a cat clawing the drapes every time you utter that slur. How do you spend time talking to the LGBT community for hours and still use that word? Oh right, you protect yourself with a +3 bubble of self-righteousness.

 

'I said, “No. I don’t want to get dry-cleaned. I don’t want to be decontaminated by you, Karen Silkwood–wise, scrubbed down. I want to learn about what is hurtful speech in your community.'

 

WELL YOU FAILED ON EVERY CONCEIVABLE LEVEL ALREADY DO YOU WANT A TROPHY?

 

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