Acclaimed and apparently perpetually-for-hire director Martin Scorcese shot an ad for Dolce and Gabbana perfume that stars the devastatingly attractive Scarlett Johansson and Matthew McConaughey. Shot in black and white, the commercial sees the two stars jetting around the streets of New York City being all vague and old-timey and well-groomed.

It's pretty and everything, but could it be more unrealistic? With that in mind, here's the script for a much more authentic perfume ad starring Scarlett and Matthew.


Scarlett Johansson stands on a street corner, staring at her phone and sighing loudly. A filthy Land Rover pulls up blasting music. Matthew McConaughey honks the horn.

Scarlett: You're late.

Matthew: I don't believe in clocks.

Scarlett gets into the car.

Scarlett: What are we listening to?

Matthew: Afro-Cuban bongo music made by white guys in Venice Beach.

Scarlett: Turn it off and I'll sing for you.

Matthew: What will you sing?

Scarlett: Tom Waits songs. I only know Tom Waits songs. What's that smell?

Matthew: It must be "The One" by Dolce and Gabanna.

Scarlett: Yeah, it's not "The One." it smells like wet dead dog.

Matthew: Well then it must be me. I shower twice a year. I have showered once this year.

Matthew takes a bite of something slimy.

Scarlett: Um, what are you eating?

Matthew: Placenta.

Scarlett puts her head out the window and stares skywards.

Matthew: What are you looking at?

Scarlett: Nothing. I'm trying to appear elusive.

Matthew: I dig it, man. I dig it. It's like that state of being when the sand and the waves meet and become sand-waves.

Oh, just shut up, look pretty, and lets try to sell some perfume.

You want a bite of placenta?

Scarlett: No, Matthew, I don't.

Matthew: Your loss.

Matthew lights up a joint and smokes it out the window. Scarlett rolls her eyes.


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Liana Maeby grew up in Los Angeles and it has made her just as terrible as you'd expect. A graduate of USC's film school, she previously worked as an editor for, and has written for publications like Interview and The Village Voice. Her first book, a satirical work entitled "Earl Can Hurl (You Can Hurl Too)" written when she was eight, remains unpublished.