Look, some of you have countless hours to spend watching little hairy-footed magical creatures wrestle with dragons and outwit wizards to lay claim to sparkly jewelry, but I am not one of them. (Instead, I spend countless hours watching female prison inmates outwit prison guards so as to make out with one another.) Which is to say, I have never seen a "Lord of the Rings" or a "Hobbit" movie.

But that won't stop me from trying to talk about all of them.

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Liana Maeby grew up in Los Angeles and it has made her just as terrible as you'd expect. A graduate of USC's film school, she previously worked as an editor for Crushable.com, and has written for publications like Interview and The Village Voice. Her first book, a satirical work entitled "Earl Can Hurl (You Can Hurl Too)" written when she was eight, remains unpublished.