Look, some of you have countless hours to spend watching little hairy-footed magical creatures wrestle with dragons and outwit wizards to lay claim to sparkly jewelry, but I am not one of them. (Instead, I spend countless hours watching female prison inmates outwit prison guards so as to make out with one another.) Which is to say, I have never seen a "Lord of the Rings" or a "Hobbit" movie.

But that won't stop me from trying to talk about all of them.

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