Hey, Adam Levine, have you heard the news? You're going to be named People Magazine's Sexiest Man Alive!

Yes you, Adam. Don't act so surprised.

Well, congratulations, man.

Clap. Clap clap clap. Clap clap. Enough?

So, what are your plans now that you and your dimples have won this prestigious honor?

Oh. Well, that's nice. Anything else?

Yeah, that's just the same thing from another angle.

You're right. Adam: make me feel beautiful.

So, anyone you'd like to thank?

Creepy. Now take your shirt off again.

Liana Maeby grew up in Los Angeles and it has made her just as terrible as you'd expect. A graduate of USC's film school, she previously worked as an editor for Crushable.com, and has written for publications like Interview and The Village Voice. Her first book, a satirical work entitled "Earl Can Hurl (You Can Hurl Too)" written when she was eight, remains unpublished.