Madonna released her 17-minute short film "secreprojectrevolution" today, a black-and-white dystopian collaboration between herself and director Steven Klein. The video is meant to inspire a revolution (!), of art and personal expression. Of this forecast event, Madonna says, "This revolution won't be televised, won't be on the Internet, you won't be able to download it."

Er, however? The video is literally available for download on BitTorrent. And it comes with an official hashtag. Which, if you're wondering, is #artforfreedom. Also? Madge speaks out about violence but shoots half a dozen people in the head. It's all very stressful.

Nevertheless, the video is rather beautiful, and the dancers and contortionists it features are great. So I'm going to take "secretprojectrevolution" to be an instructional yoga video. Here are 8 new poses invented by Madonna and her pals:

1. Downward-facing gun:

2. Sssssssnake:

3. Cartoon anvil:

4. Kabbalah gym back:

5. Dead marionette:

6. Emoticon:

7. Whoa, nice butt:

8. Holy fuck this hurts:

Liana Maeby grew up in Los Angeles and it has made her just as terrible as you'd expect. A graduate of USC's film school, she previously worked as an editor for, and has written for publications like Interview and The Village Voice. Her first book, a satirical work entitled "Earl Can Hurl (You Can Hurl Too)" written when she was eight, remains unpublished.