Sarah Jessica Parker and Anna Wintour were on "Seth Meyers" together, did you hear? Yes, the two most relatable women in New York City showed up on the late night talker to dish about their humble fundraiser for the Metropolitan Museum of Art, which hosted a slew of their famous friends including Beyonce, Johnny Depp, Kristen Stewart and Gisele Bundchen's boyfriend Tom Brady's hair transplants. So what did we learn from the angular duo's appearance on the show? Here are six prevalent things I am now a richer person for knowing.
1. Sarah Jessica Parker is too polite and talks too much.
While talking about greeting celebrities on the receiving line at the event, SJP says she got "reprimanded" by the chilly Vogue empress when she started, you know, being all nice to everybody, yuck. "She's so polite?" puzzles Anna at one point, her face curling into a vague but unmistakable look of distaste. In fairness to Sarah, Ms. Wintour's threshold for what counts as "too polite" is alarmingly low. You know, because her soul died.
2. $12 million doesn't sound like a lot of money in this context.
According to the internet, Sarah Jessica Parker, Anna Wintour and Seth Meyers have a combined net worth of $135 million, and they were only three mega-wealthy celebrities out of roughly 9,477 who attended the gala. Eesh. When Jay Z shows up at your fundraising event and you can't even make it to $20 mil, your grand total is officially "Chump Change."
3. Anna Wintour is an expert at avoiding intimacy.
Here's her advice for what do do when some icky human person with body oils and tears wants to hug you: "Step back and say, 'How do you do?'" Oh boy, Anna. Have you told your shrink about those cuddling nightmares? Major bonus points for admitting that people literally run from you in public.
4. Anna Wintour isn't keen on being described as inferior to the First Lady.
Check out the look on her face when Seth dares to suggest this. It's subtle, but terrifying.
5. White tie requires mother of pearl studs, not onyx studs, duh, Bradley Cooper.
Fail. Epic fucking fail. You are ruined.
6. Sarah Jessica Parker has no idea what tailgating is.
When you've been a star since your teens, wrapping your head around things that normal people do can be hard. "What do they call it in football when you're all out, with your trunks open, and your...?" she says at one point, as if beginning to describe the opening scenes of an NFL-themed gay porn movie. "When you go to the game...you know, that thing where you..." Oh, Sarah. Just charter a private jet to Milan and call it a day. We don't expect you to be a human being anymore.