6 things I learned from seeing Zac Efron's naked torso at the MTV Movie Awards
Admit it: you felt something when Zac Efron took his shirt off at the MTV Movie Awards. I don't care if you're a straight male. I don't care if you think Zac Efron is too orange. Those pecs moved you, deep down inside, and you're lying to yourself if you say otherwise.
Also, who needs books? I learned all I need to know about life from Zac Efron's super-hot body. Here are six of the most important lessons imparted during this most historic moment:
1. God loves me
I wasn't sure before, but now I know it incontrovertibly: God loves me, God has always loved me, God is good, God is great, because God created Rita Ora and especially because God created Zac Efron. All hail God.
2. My body is a hideous monstrosity
I actually didn't think my body was that bad before I saw this, but now I know the horrifying truth: I look like Danny fucking DeVito.
3. Zac Efron hasn't eaten a carb in a very long time
I can guarantee you he's forgotten what bread tastes like.
4. The MTV Movie Awards is the bestest awards show ever, ever
The Oscars are fine and all, but from what I can recall Zac Efron has never been shirtless at those, and that is a definite blot on the Academy's record. Ditto for the Emmys and the Grammys and the Tonys and even the Blockbuster Awards, which I'm pretty sure aren't even a thing anymore.
5. I will probably be Photoshopping my face onto Zac Efron's body in the near future
And posting it as my Facebook profile pic. Probably.
6. Zac Efron is not 100% human
I've been debating this at least since seeing him in his underwear in "The Paperboy," but now I'm more certain than I've ever been: It is impossible for an actual person made up of actual human DNA to look like that. Impossible. Zac Efron is a sex-android from the planet Drull.