If several alarming reports coming out of the U.S. Embassy in Moscow on Tuesday are to be believed, bloated American action star Steven Seagal, whose last film was actually titled "Maximum Conviction," is being eyed by Russian officials to be the face of a new marketing campaign promoting the country's Degtarev weapons plant. Record scratch!
Yes, it's true, and all of this is happening, apparently, with the full backing of Russian leaders including Deputy Prime Minister Dmitry Rogozin, who at an embassy press conference earlier today said the following of Steven's potential involvement in the global arms trade: "You're ready to fight American (manufacturers) with your teeth and your intellect, and if Americans are prepared to promote and support you, that says we're learning new ways to work on corporate warfare markets." Which I don't entirely understand and which also frightens me.
Nevertheless, these confusing sentiments were echoed by U.S. Republican Congresswoman Dana Rohrabacher, who traveled as part of a Congressional delegation to the Russian capital and who went on to praise Seagal on CNN's "The Situation Room" for helping to secure meetings with, among others, Russian president Vladimir Putin (oh my god).
“Because of his black belt in karate and things, he has gotten to know many of the leaders of Russia, including Putin, and was able to use that influence to make sure that we got to talk to the very top people so that we could try to find ways of expanding our areas of cooperation,” said Rohrbacher, who described Seagal as "a very well-respected actor" and also compared him to Ronald Reagan.
Allow me to reiterate: this cannot happen. Why? “I was born clairvoyant. I was born a healer, and I was born very different.” That is something Steven Seagal said once, and he was not joking.
Of course, when attempting to dissuade a person from going down a path that could have disastrous consequences for the future of the human race as we know it, it's best to offer up a range of enticing alternatives. As such, here are my suggestions for five other things Steven Seagal could do instead of becoming the face of Russian weapons manufacturing.
1) Start a specialty clothing line of men's kimonos
Can you say "no-brainer"? There's something about Steven Seagal in a kimono that just feels right, and his own line of branded garments could be just the ticket to QVC glory. Get those sewing machines ready, underage sweatshop employees!
2) Film another season of "Steven Seagal: Lawman"
Anyone who would claim that Steven Seagal's greatest screen achievement is "Under Siege" obviously hasn't seen "Steven Seagal: Lawman," the brilliant reality series that exposed the Aikido master's side-job working as a fake deputy sheriff in Jefferson Parish, Louisiana. While a third season is already due to premiere on Reelz in January 2014, we say it's never too early to get started on a whole new batch of episodes.
3) Cut another album
Steven teamed up with living legend Stevie Wonder for his 2005 debut LP "Songs from the Crystal Cave," the cover of which was heartily endorsed by Conan O'Brien, who admittedly never listened to the actual album. 2006 follow-up "Mojo Priest" did not feature Stevie Wonder but nevertheless boasted such timeless anthems as "Cockpuncher Blues" and "She Dat Pretty." Do I need to spell this one out?
4) Join the cast of "The Expendables 3"
Would Steven Seagal make a perfect addition to the nostalgia-baiting action franchise? Is Sylvester Stallone's face immobile? Get on this gravy train already.
5) Take up crocheting
Because it's never too late to embark on a new hobby.