Today in Billy Ray Cyrus news, Billy Ray Cyrus and a non-famous person named Buck 22 have released a brand-new music video for "Achy Breaky 2," a sequel to Miley's dad's hit 1992 single "Achy Breaky Heart" that is basically the same exact song, only even worse and with more rapping.
As for the video, it's basically the exact sort of thing you would expect for Billy Ray Cyrus to put out into the world, which is to say there are naked women twerking in a spaceship, fiddles, former CNN host Larry King and the totally unnecessary wearing of sunglasses indoors. And after suffering through all 3 1/2 awful, misogynistic, existential crisis-inducing minutes of it earlier today, I decided to make a list of five horrible (and timely!) things I'd rather do instead of watching it ever again.
Mistake Samuel L. Jackson for Laurence Fishburne, on purpose
If you saw the terribly uncomfortable Samuel L. Jackson-Sam Rubin video yesterday, you will know that mistaking Samuel L. Jackson for Laurence Fishburne is no fun at all for the person doing the mistaking. And yet mistaking Samuel L. Jackson for Laurence Fishburne on purpose, even at the risk of inciting another SLJ outburst and becoming a viral phenomenon in the worst way possible, is far preferable to the horrible prospect of re-watching "Achy Breaky 2."
Watch all 12 seasons of "Murder, She Wrote" in a single sitting
NBC was once going to remake "Murder, She Wrote" with Octavia Spencer, until they realized it was probably not a great idea - something Angela Lansbury herself could've told them (and did, actually). What was also not a great idea was making 12 full seasons of the original "Murder, She Wrote," and yet I'd be willing to sit through all 264 episodes (and four TV movies!) in a single sitting rather than re-watch the horrifying, soul-deadening debacle that is "Achy Breaky 2." (Full Disclosure: The other night I watched the 1984 pilot episode of "Murder, She Wrote" on Netflix, at 1:00 in the morning, for absolutely no reason. Halfway through I realized it was basically the same thing as sleeping only with more Angela Lansbury and promptly turned in for the night.)
Have you seen the luging competition at the Sochi Winter Olympics? Or any Winter Olympics, for that matter? Those people are absolutely bonkers. Here is what they do: They get on a sled. They lie down on the sled. They then hurl themselves and the sled at full speed down an ice-covered track while hoping to not die. And yet I would rather do that, without any prior training, than re-watch the music video for "Achy Breaky 2."
Re-watch Kanye West's "Bound 2" music video
Another recent infamous music video is Kanye West's ridiculous clip for "Bound 2," which involves Kanye and his wife Kim Kardashian gyrating on a motorcycle against projected nature scenes. It is absolutely terrible. And yet I would rather re-watch that video, several times in a row even, than put myself through the harrowing experience of viewing one more second of "Achy Breaky 2."
Lick Bob Costas's pink eye
As everyone no doubt knows by now, diminutive Sochi Winter Olympics anchor Bob Costas has come down with an awful case of pink eye, a super-gross condition that I have had before and let me tell you, it is really freaking sick. And yet still, still, I would rather lick all of the crusty, yellow morning discharge off of Bob Costas's infected peepers than watch one single millisecond more of "Achy Breaky 2."
Ok but seriously, you have to watch this: