Fact: New Year's resolutions are for suckers. You make them, you break them, by mid-February you're crying in a gutter somewhere and calling out the name of your pet rabbit from childhood. Well, screw all that. You want that leftover slice of holiday pie that is 970 calories? Eat it. Feel like skipping out on the gym after work even though it will make you feel better and is good for your overall health and well-being? Do it. Not particularly keen on finishing that novel you've already been working on for seven years and that may actually be really great if you would just practice some self-discipline for once in your life? Leave it until tomorrow. Hit that snooze button. Yell at that old woman in traffic even though she's 97 and probably doesn't even know that she's driving. But before you do or don't do all of those things, read these funny New Year's resolution tweets from the likes of Jim Gaffigan, Chelsea Perretti, Pete Holmes and Rob Delaney. And then don't floss, because flossing is for wimps.

A former contributor to sites including MTV's The Backlot and Bloody-Disgusting, Chris Eggertsen worked in film development before indulging his love of pop culture writing full time. He specializes in horror, the intersection of social issues and entertainment and Howard Stern. He's on Twitter @HitFixChris.