CBS had a solid premise with 'The McCarthys.' A close-knit family of varying interests, personalities, and sexual orientations who love and supporg each other through wacky sitcom hijinks. But something terrible happened between conception and execution. Somehow what should be a progressive comedy reads like The Disney Channel trying to write sitcoms aimed at adults.

#1 - We're opening with deadpan narration over stock photos. Is this a clever parody of terrible 80s sitcoms?

#2 - It has to be. No one unironically laughs at loving 'Dunkin Donuts' as a punchline.

#3 - These people are the Mafia. This is a mob sitcom. How else do you end up in houses that close to each other unless the former owners' have accidents or are bribed?

#4 - Oh man how embarrassing. They dubbed the first table read over the this 'clever' exchange about basketball teams. How is 'Miami Sound Machine' even a punchline?

#5 - Wait, no. This is just how they're delivering lines. "I have a lot of kids...wait, there's one I like." Blatant traumatizing parental favoritism recited with all the inflection and emotion of a T-1000 with a malfunctioning personality chip. Well that's…unfortunate.

#6 - Also unfortunate to name this sitcom family after the bigot behind McCarthyism.

#7 - The twins don't look identical because fraternal twins are hilarious? Ow, these punchlines are physically hurting me. I can feel my soul shriveling into the fetal position to protect itself from the searing pain.

#8 - Over attached passive aggressive mother? Jock son? Ignored middle child? Ditzy irresponsible sister? Coach as the dad's profession? Gay character defined only by sexual orientation? This isn't a sitcom. It's a katamari of offensive stereotypes held together with canned laughter.

#9 - What grown adult belongs to a family who will — in their entirety — follow him to spy on his first date?? Who signed off on this? Did they watch it? Did they laugh? Are they a monster?

#10 - This is a train wreck and I cannot look away. They're discussing DVRing 'The Good Wife.' A CBS show. For the third time. At a funeral.

#11 - The alcoholic sister is having an unplanned baby. Comedy gold? The audience sounds like they're nervously laughing under duress. Somewhere off-camera an intern is holding a paintball gun menacingly at the stands.

#12 - There is no way this is as bad as it looks. They're playing up the stereotypes to get homophobic butts on couch cushions and will bait-and-switch with well-rounded humans and not these nightmare caricatures in pastel cardigans. I have to believe this or I will be ground into dust under the weight of my loss of faith in humanity.