Last Thursday evening, I posted what I believed to be a harmless and lightly mocking commentary on a Tumblr blog entitled Sherlockspeare that is devoted almost entirely to nutty fantasy gifs and photos of "Sherlock" stars Benedict Cumberbatch and Martin Freeman. Well this is fun, I thought to myself innocently. People will laugh about my silly little comedy article that is relatively innocuous. I have never once made light of the Amanda Bynes meltdown. I am a good person.
Except no, apparently.
"Hey why don't you shut the FUCK UP asshole I love sherlockspeare!!!! She has an amazing blog and creates hilarious gifs!!! So why don't you just get off this website and stop sharing your stupid opinions with people because guess what Chris? You have a lot of people that don't like you. Congrats on being an ass."
So went one of exactly 100 comments (apparently meeting the so-named "Cumber Collective's" pre-arranged quota) that came in over the weekend after Ms. Sherlockspeare herself posted that she was "feeling quite offended" by my article, in a heartbreaking response that made me like I'd just delivered a vicious beating to a tiny, innocent puppy, and then gutted that puppy alive and dined on its bloody entrails. You can read her full reaction here, but following is a brief excerpt:
"I didn’t know my gifs might be that disturbing to somebody. It’s my personal blog for God’s sake and I have never imagined that some people would bother to criticize what I make and post on it. And you know, I’m not even some Tumblr famous or a big name. I’m nobody, I’m just a simple and humble blogger who likes to make weird gifs."
Oh, dammit, why did I read that. Why, oh why did I read that. Sherlockspeare, you are not a "nobody." You are a superstar who makes the craziest and most entertaining Benedict Cumberbatch gifs anywhere, and I will continue to frequent your insanely compelling website for all eternity. When I wrote that you had taken a "sparkly LSD wave up your own asshole," it was all in good fun, honest. And besides, that sounds like kind of a fun ride, you know?
Your fans, on the other hand? Holy comments section, Batman. In their world, gently teasing a Tumblr blogger apparently = bombing a kindergarten and/or running over a box of kittens with a steamroller. Think I'm exaggerating? See below for a sampling of ten ridiculously excessive responses from least to most vitriolic descriptors, followed by an original Benedict Cumberbatch gif created by yours truly that I believe most appropriately sums up the overall reaction. But first, a photo of Benedict Cumberbatch crying.
10) I am tasteless and have poor grammar
Says Elley: "Your writing is tasteless, sir. You overuse the statement "right" and it is a leading question, which should not be used. The way you word your article makes you sound like a petulant child trying to get their toddler friends to agree with them on a petty matter. You are unfairly harsh towards someone who has dedicated their time to something. Not everybody liked "The Human Centipede" and yet that grossed millions in the Box Office. Don't post articles like this, Mr Eggertsen; you lower the IQ of the whole internet when you do. ...P.S. I REGRET NOTHING!"
9) I am a mean girl and I do not understand the internet
Says Ronda: "Way to bully someone who is just trying to have fun. This isn't an article, it's bitter and disgusting. It is ridiculous that they pay you to write like a mean girl. Save this kind of hate for your diary. You obviously don't understand the internet at all so you should probably just not comment on it."
8) I am no Edward R. Murrow
Says Meg: "Well done you. You have picked on an anonymous stranger on the internet in an effort to make yourself look superior. That's the bed rock of all great op ed pieces. Excellent decision. I think that's how Murrow got his start in journalism, by bullying fan girls. Lots to be proud of here...you monumentally insensitive dirt bag."
7) I am petty, shallow-minded and have very few Twitter followers, which rightly makes me feel inadequate
Says Liz Eckhart: "Oh for god's sake. Your petty malice is showing, Chris. Not to mention your shallow-mindedness. How many Twitter followers do you have, sweetie? 245? No wonder you feel inadequate."
6) I am a petulant, malicious wannabe journalist who will not go far in this industry
Says Elley: "I seriously hope you are not wanting a professional career in journalism, my friend, because this sort of opinion would not be tolerated, and you'd receive much more hate than you are for this. It is unacceptable and you would find yourself fired, and nobody would like to employ you. ...You have some serious petulant complex, sir, and I doubt you would go far in this industry. Good day to you, Mr Eggertsen."
5) I am a spiteful bag of dicks
Says Mark: "Wow, was the entire point of this article to show how unnecessarily rude you are? Sherlockspeare (and others like her) make those gifs because they make their friends and followers smile and laugh. Now, I feel bad for you son if you can't appreciate this kind of silly, innocent humor, but that's no reason to go and be a spiteful bag of dicks about it. Grow up."
4) I am a shameless, impudent, arrogant, stupid and insulting journalist and writer who has just destroyed my own career
Says OEC: "What a shameless, impudent, arrogant, incredibly stupid and insulting article. Wow. Makes me want to vomit. You have absolutely NO right to judge a harmless blogger who does nothing more than to express her joy and love for the Sherlock series (and the leading actors) in her own, unique way, plus bringing a lot of joy and fun to the entire fandom. You had NO right, sir to bully this fan publicly. Well, you've just destroyed your career as journalist and writer. Congrats."
3) I am a pompous and passive-agressive cunt
Says Lucy: "...Stfu with your ridiculously pompous attitude. If I were to write an article about you, I def. wouldn't start it as passive aggressively as, "Can we all agree that it's not good to write an article insulting someone for having a sense of humor and interests other than our own? Well, you and I wouldn't do that b/c we are like *so* normal and likable, but this cunt Chris sure would."
2) I was probably not loved enough as a child
Says Cindy Loo Hoo: "Wow. Were you not loved enough as a child, Chris? Lighten up. This is harmless and, frankly, very cute and well-done. No need to bully someone, this article says a lot more about you than it does about this blogger. Your tumblr card has been revoked, dude."
1) I am an asshole who has never written a single worthwhile sentence or contributed anything
Says This Is So Silly: "Chris I think you need to ask yourself 'Why am I such an Asshole? When did my sense of humour die? Have I ever written a single worthwhile sentence or contributed anything?"
Well gosh, you guys. Tell me how you really feel.
And now, a dramatic interpretation of the outrage by Benedict Cumberbatch himself: