10 More Lessons Oprah Needs to Give Lindsay Lohan
This is exciting: Oprah is telling Lindsay Lohan what to do, and we get to watch. This is why we have TV.
On the most recent episode of "Lindsay," the OWN network docuseries about the actress who once erroneously claimed to know who killed her, Oprah descended on LiLo like the sword of Damocles and -- with the shaky point of her index finger -- asked if Lindsay had been drinking recently. Lindsay shook her head no as several flasks fell out of her hair, but the real highpoint was at the end of the interview when Oprah told the fussy star: "The vultures are waiting to pick your bones. And that shouldn’t frighten you, that should liberate you. That should liberate you. Because if I were you, I wouldn’t let them have me.” Lindsay had tried canceling a shoot earlier that day, but because it cost production money, Oprah bolted in to serve up justice and those fine words of advice.
Conclusion: Every episode of "Lindsay" should be Oprah giving Lindsay advice. Let's help make this happen by suggesting some lessons from Oprah to LiLo.
1. "You've delivered on your promise of sobriety. Thank you, Lindsay. But that's not the same thing as delivering a 4.0 rating. Come on now."
2. "If you end this show now, you'll never get syndication rights. That's what you want, Lindsay. Syndication. That's how I'm Oprah. That's how I'm not Ricki Lake. That's how Merv Griffin and I bought matching continents. No, you've never heard of them."
3. "You need a Gayle. Buy a fancy lamp you can talk to."
4. "Don't let Anjelica Huston beat you to an Oscar just because Margaret Avery split your vote. Believe in yourself and 30 years from now no one will remember what 'Prizzi's Honor' is."
5. "Let the vultures circle. They'll block you from any more sun damage."
6. "It's like my friend Alice Walker said: 'Who the f*ck is Lindsay Lohan?' You can only improve from there."
7. "Don't get self-important, honey. This is cable. I'm not paying anyone enough to care about you."
8. "No pressure, but I'll bury you and Nate Berkus in the same CB2 ottoman if you keep this up."
9. "Get back to your craft, Lindsay. The craft of making me money."
10. "Let my unflinching stare be your sobriety coach. Bye now."
And oh, look: Next week's adventure is even greater.
1995 | Mystery | NRSummary: Denzel Washington plays an out of work WWII vet who takes the wrong job and is soon neck-deep in a mess of politics, murder, and jazz in '40s Los Angeles.Director: Carl Franklin
Cast: Denzel Washington, Tom Sizemore, Jennifer Beals
1993 | Sports | PGSummary: Emotionally powerful sports classic featuring Sean Astin as a skinny high school kid with big football dreams and the determination to make his way towards his dream team at Notre Dame.Director: David Anspaugh
Cast: Sean Astin, Jon Favreau, Ned Beatty
2013 | Drama | RSummary: Leonardo DiCaprio and Jonah Hill have boundless energy in the story of a real-life commodities crook who earned millions through scummy small-time stock trades.Director: Martin Scorsese
Cast: Leonardo DiCaprio, Jonah Hill, Margot Robbie
1996 | Crime | RSummary: Jerry, a small-town Minnesota car salesman is bursting at the seams with debt... but he's got a plan. He's going to hire two thugs to kidnap his wife in a scheme to collect a hefty ransom from his wealthy father-in-law. It's going to be a snap and nobody's going to get hurt... until people start ...Director: Joel Coen, Ethan Coen
Cast: William H. Macy, Frances McDormand, Steve Buscemi, Peter Stormare
2007 | Comedy | PGSummary: Newlyweds Nick (Ice Cube) and Suzanne (Long) decide to move to the suburbs to provide a better life for their two kids. But their idea of a dream home is disturbed by a contractor (McGinley) with a bizarre approach to business.Director: Steve Carr
Cast: John C. McGinley, Ice Cube, Nia Long, Aleisha Allen
2008 | Science Fiction | PGSummary: Animated series continues the story of Obi-Wan Kenobi and Anakin Skywalker as they battle the Emperor Palpatine, Count Dooku and General Grievous, but also takes time to explore other smaller characters in the Star Wars universe.Director: George Lucas (creator)
Cast: Tom Kane, Dee Bradley Baker, Matt Lanter
2013 | Thriller | RSummary: Based on the true story of Daniel Lugo (Mark Wahlberg) a Miami bodybuilder who wants to live the American dream. He would like to have the money that other people have. So he enlists the help of fellow bodybuilder Adrian Doorbal (Anthony Mackie) and ex-convict, Christian bodybuilder Paul Doyle (D...Director: Michael Bay
Cast: Mark Wahlberg, Dwayne Johnson, Anthony Mackie, Tony Shalhoub
2013 | Comedy | NRSummary: Insanely funny comedy show created by Amy Schumer, who stars in brilliantly funny sketches about sex, city living, dating, and friendship.Director: Daniel Powell, Amy Schumer (creators)
Cast: Amy Schumer, Kevin Kane, Mike Houston
1997 | Crime | RSummary: Quentin Tarantino adaptats an Elmore Leonard novel into this story of a few increasingly desperate people scraping to get by. It has deep soul, a wicked sense of humor, and Samuel L. Jackson, Robert De Niro, Pam Grier, and Robert Forster.Director: Quentin Tarantino
Cast: Pam Grier, Samuel L. Jackson, Robert Forster
Let Streaming Genie help you.