Funny guy Ted Travelstead is the best. He's got a beard, a book out, called "The Petraeus Files: All the Photos, Chats, Poems, and Other Super-Secret Emails They Don't Want You to See," a beautiful and perfect Vine, and a killer set of jokes on Twitter.

The beard is red.

Ted tweets as @trumpetcake for reasons I don't know but would very much like to find out. Here are 10 of his most delightful jokes:

The Petraeus Files: All the Photos, Chats, Poems, and Other Super-Secret Emails They Don't Want You to Se - See more at: http://www.powells.com/biblio/62-9781250040992-0#sthash.8Foz4CCO.dpuf
The Petraeus Files: All the Photos, Chats, Poems, and Other Super-Secret Emails They Don't Want You to Se - See more at: http://www.powells.com/biblio/62-9781250040992-0#sthash.8Foz4CCO.dpuf

10. "What is this, 'The Jetsons?'" is a fun question to ask loudly every time you see someone texting.

9. I hope I'm never as lonely as the "Pizza Slice" button on my microwave.

8. I sob and sing Adele while eating French Fries so no one will ask me for any.

7. It seems like the guys most likely to say, "NICE TITS!" are also the ones that get the angriest when I say it to them.

6. A cool, funky alternative to buying one of those fancy home soda kits is to go to bed.

5. PLEASE NO MORE SEXY M&M COMMERCIALS, YOU SICK FUCKS.

4. Just found out that my cat, Jellybeans, is just an old bag of jellybeans. Still love him so much.

3. Every time I get dressed I make sure I take a second to ask myself, "How will this look stepping out of a time machine?"

2. If Arnold Palmer offers you an "Arnold Palmer," DO NOT DRINK IT.

1. Just call it a crime mask. No one skis in them anymore.

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