10 hilarious tweets from 'Jimmy Kimmel Live' writer Molly McNearney
Molly McNearney is the co-head writer of "Jimmy Kimmel Live" and enough of a lover of fat babies to include that fact in her Twitter bio -- which, as a fellow fan of the chubbier members of the infant species, I appreciate. Molly's jokes are sharp and observational, and her Twitter presence (a marketing professional taught me that term) is delightful.
She tweets as her real name, because she has nothing to hide, dammit. Here are 10 of her Molly's funniest jokes.
10. 80% of birthday cards are written on steering wheels.
9. Don't complain about your job to the lady waxing your vagina.
8. To my neighbor using a chainsaw at 7:30 on a Saturday morning: Try holding the other end.
7. There are two types of people in this world: People who say "my birthday week" and people I wanna hang out with.
6. The Olympics: When we sit on the couch in our sweatpants watching TV and saying things like "ohh...that was sloppy".
5. Spent morning at the farmers market carefully selecting fruits and vegetables to throw away next Saturday.
4. There are Kenyans who could complete marathons in the length of one of my mom's voicemails.
3. Being hot on Instagram looks exhausting.
2. Hey dad berating his son at this T-ball game, you know there's a .07% chance he'll go pro right? You're yelling at a software developer.
1. Best way to punish an enemy: Sneak into their home in the morning, cook all their bacon, fill house w/ bacon smell, & leave w/ their bacon.
2008 | Science Fiction | PGSummary: Animated series continues the story of Obi-Wan Kenobi and Anakin Skywalker as they battle the Emperor Palpatine, Count Dooku and General Grievous, but also takes time to explore other smaller characters in the Star Wars universe.Director: George Lucas (creator)
Cast: Tom Kane, Dee Bradley Baker, Matt Lanter
2013 | Drama | RSummary: Leonardo DiCaprio and Jonah Hill have boundless energy in the story of a real-life commodities crook who earned millions through scummy small-time stock trades.Director: Martin Scorsese
Cast: Leonardo DiCaprio, Jonah Hill, Margot Robbie
2013 | Comedy | NRSummary: Insanely funny comedy show created by Amy Schumer, who stars in brilliantly funny sketches about sex, city living, dating, and friendship.Director: Daniel Powell, Amy Schumer (creators)
Cast: Amy Schumer, Kevin Kane, Mike Houston
1997 | Crime | RSummary: Quentin Tarantino adaptats an Elmore Leonard novel into this story of a few increasingly desperate people scraping to get by.Director: Quentin Tarantino
Cast: Pam Grier, Samuel L. Jackson, Robert Forster
1995 | Mystery | NRSummary: Denzel Washington plays an out of work WWII vet who takes the wrong job and is soon neck-deep in a mess of politics, murder, and jazz in '40s Los Angeles.Director: Carl Franklin
Cast: Denzel Washington, Tom Sizemore, Jennifer Beals
1993 | Sports | PGSummary: Emotionally powerful sports classic featuring Sean Astin as a skinny high school kid with big football dreams and the determination to make his way towards his dream team at Notre Dame.Director: David Anspaugh
Cast: Sean Astin, Jon Favreau, Ned Beatty
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