Molly McNearney is the co-head writer of "Jimmy Kimmel Live" and enough of a lover of fat babies to include that fact in her Twitter bio -- which, as a fellow fan of the chubbier members of the infant species, I appreciate. Molly's jokes are sharp and observational, and her Twitter presence (a marketing professional taught me that term) is delightful.
She tweets as her real name, because she has nothing to hide, dammit. Here are 10 of her Molly's funniest jokes.
10. 80% of birthday cards are written on steering wheels.
9. Don't complain about your job to the lady waxing your vagina.
8. To my neighbor using a chainsaw at 7:30 on a Saturday morning: Try holding the other end.
7. There are two types of people in this world: People who say "my birthday week" and people I wanna hang out with.
6. The Olympics: When we sit on the couch in our sweatpants watching TV and saying things like "ohh...that was sloppy".
5. Spent morning at the farmers market carefully selecting fruits and vegetables to throw away next Saturday.
4. There are Kenyans who could complete marathons in the length of one of my mom's voicemails.
3. Being hot on Instagram looks exhausting.
2. Hey dad berating his son at this T-ball game, you know there's a .07% chance he'll go pro right? You're yelling at a software developer.
1. Best way to punish an enemy: Sneak into their home in the morning, cook all their bacon, fill house w/ bacon smell, & leave w/ their bacon.