I don't watch MTV's "Jersey Shore." At all. I've seen a couple YouTube clips and I watched five minutes by accident on an airplane. It is, if I'm being honest, a show that makes me feel old. 

I can identify Snooki (but only occasionally do I remember that her name doesn't end with an "e"), JWoww (she's like a porn version of Emmanuelle Chriqui... and not a classy porn version), The Situation (but not really) and I guess that Pauly D is the guy who isn't The Situation. 

I don't know "Jersey Shore," but I do know an impending trainwreck, so I'm going to live-blog the Friday (Aug. 6) Television Critics Association press tour panel for the insanely popular phenomenon... Just in case things go off the rails...

Click through...

3:45 p.m. Pacific. The first thing you have to know is that in addition to the four star cast members I can't identity, MTV is also using this as an opportunity to introduce a new "Jersey Shore" castmember. Deena Nicole Cortese is a longtime friend of Snooki's and they could be sisters, or at least sisters-in-tan. There's absolutely no purpose to their being separate people.

3:45 p.m. The second thing you need to know is that "Jersey Shore" drew 5.3 million viewers for its July 29 premiere. Its 5.1 rating among folks 12-34 (a demographic I'm still a part of) is tops for cable telecasts this year.

3:46 p.m. As always, this live-blog will be updated at the whims of the ballroom WiFi Gods... Stay tuned and knock on wood...

4:06 p.m. The "Jersey Shore" cast doesn't get seats, apparently.

4:07 p.m. The Situation says their lives haven't changed at all. He still cooks dinner every Sunday, sausage and peppers. 

4:08 p.m. Pauly D says that the production has done a good job protecting them from the fans and aggressive admirers. They're still able to "hit the clubs, kill it like we do."

4:08 p.m. "Obviously it wasn't a good time, but I didn't hurt anybody. I just went out to have a good time at the beach. Stuff like that happens in New Jersey," Snooki says, regarding her recent legal difficulties.

4:09 p.m. "We're not trying to say we're from Jersey," Vinny declares. The show isn't claiming that the people associated with the show are from New Jersey, merely that they like to spend time there.

4:10 p.m. "We're not trying to portray Italian-Americans. We're just trying to portray ourselves," JWoww says. We're told by multiple people that this is all about the lifestyle.

4:11 p.m. MTV executive says that it's a cast-driven show. It's not a question-driven answer, just something he wants to say.

4:11 p.m. New castmember Deena says she was welcomed in like family and she sees these people as her brothers and sisters. "This is what I do always," Deena says. "She fit right into the family," Pauly D says.

4:11 p.m. "Even people who can't relate to us are intrigued by us," Pauly D says. The Situation says that for people in their 30s and 40s, there's a nostalgic factor. "We're just a bunch of honest 20-somethings," The Situation. 

4:14 p.m. "As we're filming, we're still the same kids," The Situation insists. Off-camera, though, The Situation adds, "We're trying to take advantage of as many opportunities as we possibly can."

4:15 p.m. "I bring a lot of energy to the house. All I want to do is play games and have a good time," Deena says of her role. She adds that she also cleans in the house.

4:16 p.m. Sammy and Ronnie can't say if they're back together. And does Snooki have a new guy? "I'm just snookin'," she tells us. 

4:17 p.m. "Miami is all about being seen... Jersey is just like college," JWoww says, regarding the different party scenes. "We make the best out of everything," Pauly D tells us. "Wherever we go, we're going to try to have a good time," The Situation adds.

4:17 p.m. They collectively agree that none of them read Snooki's recent New York Times profile.

4:18 p.m. "What message do you have for the world?" a report asks. Pauly D announce, "Just be yourself!" "Be yourself and be proud of who you are," adds The Situation. That's a fine message indeed.

4:19 p.m. "I've always had it," Snooki says of her orangey skin-tone. "I don't really tan a lot."4:20 p.m. The Situation says that he's taking it one day at a time, but he says he can see five or six seasons of "Jersey Shore." 

4:20 p.m. They all agree they love Jersey.

4:21 p.m. They swear that rumors of hold-outs between seasons were just rumors. They all swear that they were just handling their business. "We were going to Jersey regardless. The contracts were just an extra bonus," JWoww says.

4:22 p.m. "Snookin' is when you're lookin'," Snooki explains. She promises that she has a dictionary, a Snooktionary, coming out. 

4:22 p.m. The Situation swears he was in contact with his castmembers, but he somewhat cops to breaking from the "Friends"-style all-for-one-one-for-all negotiations. They're some question on whether the stars are being cagey about their negotiations or they really don't know or care.

4:24 p.m. "It's frickin' awesome," Snooki says regarding being parodied on "Saturday Night Live." She adds, "It's all good publicity. It makes me laugh."

4:24 p.m. The Situation says that after "Jersey Shore," he hopes to remain in front of or behind the camera. Snooki wants to be a wife and mother, but she also wants to go back to school to finish her degree to become a vet tech.

4:25 p.m. "I think we're better standing up," The Situation says when asked why MTV didn't give them chairs.

And that's it for the cast of MTV's "Jersey Shore"...