That’s an image that’s going to linger: Lady Gaga pulling a machine gun from her crotch. It’s all part of the video (the first one) for “Born This Way,” which the artist debuted today. Since we know it will take a couple of decades for us to decipher all of this one, we decided to give you bullet points on our immediate thoughts and keep it simple since your mind is going to be cluttered with the primordial ooze.
*Why didn’t Lady Gaga cut the opening and closing shots of a unicorn? We would have edited those out given Ke$ha’s better use of the mythical creature in her “Blow” video and the shots have nothing to do with the real theme. She co-directed the video. She could have done anything she wanted with that final edit.
*Mother Monster really is the queen of the world. Here, she rules the Multiverse, giving birth to good, but she’s not the only one with gooey things coming out of her lady bits, so is everyone else on the planet. Yuck.
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*Every force has to have an opposing force though, so she also, in a different--and black and white-- universe, gives birth to evil (hence the machine gun coming out of her va-jay-jay). There are so many really bad jokes I could make at this point, but I’ll refrain.
*After all the budget was shot on giving birth to good and evil, Lady Gaga doesn’t go rest, no, she goes to dance to Madonna’s “Express Yourself.” Oh, wait, that’s right, that’s her song. But there’s clearly no money left for wardrobe because she’s dancing in a bra and undies and, egads, flats.
*Her song and dance number is interspersed with more footage from the good planet and then some dancing with two of the dudes from Planet Evil, who have skeletal face paint and seem to be into each other, but, even though this video is all about accepting yourself, they lean in for a gay kiss, but don’t go for it. Maybe they’re brothers, that’s why. I don’t know. You figure it out. They're played by model Rick Genest, on loan from the Thierry Mugler fashion short Lagy Gaga did (thanks to my colleague Katie Hasty for that reference). I’ve lost the plot and feel like I’ve been slapped in the face by the long pink ponytail LG is whipping around like there’s no tomorrow. There’s also some more footage of LG and dancers writhing around in some dark fluid seemingly left over from the BP oil spill.
*And here’s the shot everyone’s going to be checking out. Toward the very end, there’s a close-up of a face with a tear slowly coming down its cheek and a gap between the front teeth. Is that a dig at Madonna? Lady Gaga’s talked about how this song is an homage to her. What’s with this very unflattering dig? Or maybe we’re misunderstanding that shot.
*Final thoughts? Lots and lots of money for a big opening that basically devolved into a regular dance video. Am I surprised that Lady Gaga is now taking credit for creating heaven and earth? Not one bit, although Justin Bieber seemed to have that domain, at least for a little while. Some of the shots are beautiful and sumptuous, but instead of mixing the really hi-tech opening with the low-key dance video, we would have made one or the other. It’s neither fish nor fowl; neither good, nor bad.
Put your paws up, baby, and tell us what you think of the video for “Born This Way.” The album, "Born This Way," comes out May. 23.
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