Enrique Iglesias

Enrique Iglesias’s comeback continues with “Tonight (I’m Loving You),” which is already No. 18 on the charts. To pump up the volume, he’s now issued the video for explicit version, “Tonight (I’m Fucking You).” There’s not that much different in the two videos other than a few pixilated body parts in the clean version (which isn’t very clean).

I watched the video for “Tonight (I’m Fucking You)” with my 18-year-old goddaughter Scout, who, if possible, found the video even more ridiculous than I did.  Here’s our play by play.

(Video opens with Enrique in a strip club seemingly oblivious to the writhing, near naked bodies)

Scout: Dear God, for the sake of decency...”

Melinda: This is just trashy, it’s not hot at all.

Scout: I just saw nipples....Must I watch this again?

Melinda: See, this is what music journalists do. Great, isn’t it?

Scout: This is torturous. I don’t know what aspect offends me more? The constant repetition of the word “fucking.” Very few videos offend me with both the visual and the auditory.

Melinda: He’s playing rough with this girl and I’m learning way more about what positions he likes than I ever need to know. Ah... the explicit version comes with sound effects. Even though he sings, “I don’t mean to be rude,” I think that’s exactly what he means to be. This video is neither fish nor fowl. Just really put it out there instead of this half-hearted attempt at soft porn. I want it to be sexy, but it's not remotely so, even though he's usually so hot.

Scout: It makes me crave Bruno Mars to reassure myself that there are still decent guys willing to respect women.

(cut to Ludacris in back of limo with four undulating, willing girls as, oddly, Shirley Temple plays over the radio).

Scout: They should have just kept playing “Good Ship Lollipop.”

Melinda: How the hell did they get the license for that? It must be public domain.

Scout: (about the girls in the limo): All these girls need to go immediately to rehab. They just need help. It’s not prostitution, but it’s selling your body for sexual viewing.

Melinda: Close enough. The Ludacris part does nothing for me and doesn’t fit in.

Scout: I like his voice, I preferred it in Justin Bieber’s “Baby.” It was sweeter. It’s sad when Ludacris’s part is the most respectful. How do you end up as one of those women?

Melinda: You audition and you never, ever eat...Okay, we’re back to Enrique. He’s playing poker and eyeing another card shark, but conflict looms as some other hottie is clearly headed his way to Cabo...

Scout: I think that’s the girl he just met in the bar earlier and she’s flying in to meet him.

Melinda: Really, I can’t tell that that’s the same girl. And since when it this a flattering line: “If I had a type, girl, it would be you?”... oh, he’s going at it again.

Scout: It’s sad they’re objectifying the women so much that it could be any one.

Melinda: Oh, he just ran into the girlfriend on the steps as he brings the new girl up to join the orgy.

Scout: He looks like a puppy, but he's saying nothing.

Melinda: Cut to another orgy with neither girl. It doesn’t look like Enrique is even taking part in his own orgy. What’s the point?

Scout: There’s one male chest in there.

Melinda: Now he’s on a boat with some gorgeous scenery but he’s narrowed it down to the two girls from the stairs. My goodness, one of them is very forgiving.  Oh good God, the obligatory girl-on-girl faux kiss. They can’t even commit to that. I hate that this is supposedly  every man’s fantasy.

Scout: Weird time for them to get morals.

Melinda: I don’t think it was morals that stopped them. What’s your final thought on the video? Thumbs up or thumbs down?

Scout: Vomit.

Melinda: I don’t think that’s the reaction Enrique was going for.