Inside TV and Pop Culture with Liane Bonin Starr

The lessons I learned from reality television in 2011

Yes, there are things to be learned from some 'real' housewives, Meatloaf and even the Kardashians

By Liane Bonin Starr Thursday, Dec 29, 2011 6:32 PM

"The X Factor"

Credit: Fox

While it can be argued that reality television is a vast, useless cesspool with little, if any, educational value, I have to think that at least some of my time spent in front of the tube has been justifiable. It's certainly not doing anything for my fitness level, after all, unless you count rolling on the floor laughing or extended groaning as cardio. I'm happy to report that there are some helpful tips to be found in this morass of lowbrow entertainment, although some of them have to do with proper uses for a spork.

Throwing a big, infantile fit isn't just embarrassing -- it can get you voted off a show... (Astro, "The X Factor"

...or it can make you the focus of an entire season. (Taylor Armstrong, "The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills"). So, it just depends on whether you feel any attention is good attention.

Always cook your proteins last. (Heather, "Top Chef")

Narcissists can pretend to be sad -- or even cry! -- when someone commits suicide. (Kyle, "The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills")

Even serious journalists get the giggles sometimes. ("AC 360") Another lesson? If it's non-fiction, it's reality TV, people. Besides, this clip is decidedly not news.

Being annoying and shrill is still better than being whiny and lazy. (Rachel vs. Kalia, "Big Brother")

Looks can be deceiving. Lady Gaga may look nutty, but she's actually an excellent guest judge... ("So You Think You Can Dance")

... while cuddly grandma stand-in Debbie Reynolds is a self-absorbed pain who should not be allowed to judge anything more significant than a bake-off. ("So You Think You Can Dance")

Ordering your kid not to be afraid of Santa Claus, especially when said Santa is your creepy baby daddy in a bad beard, is not usually effective. (Leah, "Teen Mom 2")

MTV Shows

You don't need talent, skill, personality or intelligence to be famous as long as you have a sex tape. (Kim, "Kim and Kourtney Take New York")

If your boyfriend breaks up with you because you dress too provocatively, he's probably a jerk anyway. (Snooki, "Jersey Shore")

If you stick something in a storage locker, no matter how valuable it is, you'll eventually forget about it and someone else will get it for cheap. ("Storage Wars")

Pot Ledom is either Top Model spelled backwards, or simply another handy sign that Tyra Banks has gone batcrap crazy and needs medication ("America's Next Top Model").

Walls in Italy are sturdy, so don't go banging your damn head against them (The Situation, "Jersey Shore")

Shaggy, unwashed rockers do not benefit from designer duds (the Sheepdogs challenge, "Project Runway")

If Gene Simmons can finally suck it up and propose, anyone with a pulse can get over a fear of commitment. (Gene and Shannon, "Gene Simmons Family Jewels")

People love you if you get through rehab, though it helps if you can sing a little. (Chris Rene, "The X Factor")

If you're going to tear apart a whole pig, there are better implements to use than your mouth. Hell a spork would be an improvement, really. ("Survivor")

Whatever you do, don't take art supplies from Meatloaf. Ever. ("Celebrity Apprentice")

Having a truly tragic sob story will take you far, but not into the live show. (Chris Medina, "American Idol")

Children should never be dressed up as hookers. Even if the hooker is Julia Roberts in "Pretty Woman." Oh, and putting your kid in a padded bra to impersonate Dolly Parton? Justifiable call to Social Services. ("Toddlers & Tiaras")

No matter how nicely you dump someone, if they've gone to the trouble of proposing they're still going to be pissed off, especially if you're running off with someone they know. (Ashley and Ben, "The Bachelorette")

There are many more I could list here, but really, all this learning is making my head hurt.

What strange life lessons have you picked up from reality TV this year?

HundleyFan

Kudos, Liane! I'm impressed by how you managed to remember some of these gems. Big Brother seems so important in the summer, but by Halloween, I can't seem to remember the names of even a third of the cast, let alone the winner.
December 30, 2011 at 4:50PM EST Reply to Comment
- There are a lot of BB players I don't remember, but Brachel (and Kalia, to a lesser extent) were burned in my brain!
  January 2, 2012 at 4:50PM EST
SazzyMCH

I'd forgotten about Meatloaf on Celeb Apprentice. Brilliant!
December 31, 2011 at 2:13PM EST Reply to Comment
- I was alternately sad and amused by Meatloaf. I kinda wish he'd never done reality TV so he could just be the guy with the great pipes who was so surprisingly good in "Fight Club."
  January 2, 2012 at 5:10PM EST

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Liane Bonin Starr is an author, screenwriter, radio producer, former senior writer for EW.com and unrepentant shoe collector who spent four years covering the fashion industry to rationalize her problem. Her byline has appeared in The Los Angeles Times, Entertainment Weekly, Daily Variety, The Hollywood Reporter, Flaunt and a lot of other publications that went out of business before she got paid. Her last book was called "a scandalously catty, guilty pleasure" by the late, great Jane magazine, which sounds about right to her. Expect more of the same from Starr Raving.

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The lessons I learned from reality television in 2011

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Comments

HundleyFan

Kudos, Liane! I'm impressed by how you managed to remember some of these gems. Big Brother seems so important in the summer, but by Halloween, I can't seem to remember the names of even a third of the cast, let alone the winner.

There are a lot of BB players I don't remember, but Brachel (and Kalia, to a lesser extent) were burned in my brain!

SazzyMCH

I'd forgotten about Meatloaf on Celeb Apprentice. Brilliant!