First off, apologies. We had the HitFix holiday party last night and, sadly, "Real Housewives of Beverly Hills" was delayed. It's a little difficult to skip out on actual merriment for what I knew was going to be an ugly slog on tonight's episode watching Russell and Taylor get the boot from Kyle's white party. I suspected the whole uninviting (literally) scene would smack of a bad middle school party (he used to date her and now she's here with a new guy and, like, his feelings are so super hurt and we're all behind him and oh my God I feel so bad but can you, like, leave and stuff?). Guess what? I wasn't wrong. Isn't it nice to know that people with more money than common sense have no real impetus to act like adults, ever?
Anyway, we can't cut right to the white party, because what fun would that be? We have to waste some time on Lisa's, I mean Pandora's, wedding. Pandora picks a band for her wedding, which means Kevin Lee, nutbag event planner to the stars, picked a band, brought them over to the house, and got them some free publicity on Bravo. Lisa is worried there are going to be too many musicians (she doesn't want to pay for, I mean she doesn't want, an orchestra). I’m so tired of being involved in every single, silly step of planning this wedding. This crap isn’t even particularly interesting when it’s your wedding (it’s just more stressful). Pandora will have a lovely wedding and a tacky dress covered in pink because she thinks she's Gwen Stefani and honestly, since Pandora is only slightly more interesting than a fruit basket, I'm not sure I'll care one bit.
Thankfully, we don't have to spend too much time worrying about this wedding crap, as we need some time to build up the the Great Tossing Out of Russell and Taylor, a one-time-only event that I doubt is to be repeated simply because Russell's dead. Adrienne and Paul provide the set-up by having a staged conversation about the threatening e-mail Russell sent Camille. For once, Paul and Adrienne are on the same page -- Russell has made a critical faux pas, because friends in Beverly Hills don't sue friends. Okay, they may sue one another's corporations, but not one another. Paul also brings up the point that all the housewives and husbands are supposed to go to Hawaii together for Mauricio's birthday, and he's pretty sure no one wants to see Russell there. This is interesting because Mauricio is getting a birthday celebration in Hawaii on Bravo's tab and I am so very jealous.
It's also time for some Drama with Kim (I call spin-off!). Kim is dining with her bratty demon spawn, I mean, daughters. Whitney informs us that she fell asleep in the shower because she took Nyquil, and I think this is not only frightening but maybe an indication she also drank a fifth of vodka with her Nyquil and we all need to be keeping a closer eye on Whitney, but Kimberly has other concerns. Her mother is wearing a promise ring! What's up with THAT? Kim wants her girls to be happy for her and Ken! Even if he is kind of creepy and controlling! More importantly, she wants the girls to behave at the white party. I think Kim misbehaving at the white party is more likely, but okay, sure, mother knows best.
After Kyle runs around in circles (her life is so stressful! She has to plan, like, parties for 200 people and only about five of those people aren't fighting with one another!), it's time for the white debacle, I mean party, to begin. Brandi shows up with her "Celebrity Rehab" coach Jennifer and Camille shows up with Dedra. I love how so many of the women, if they don't have dates, feel the need to bring back-up just in case a fight breaks out. I'd say that's silly and paranoid, except on this show it's just good planning. Kyle is still running in circles, because she doesn't know what to do about Russell and Taylor -- she's been trying to get Taylor on the phone to uninvite her, but no such luck. She wants advice from Lisa about what to do, but Lisa is oddly muted. I guess that trip to Vegas has softened her up toward Taylor, because she keeps cooing about how terrible she feels about this and how she suspects Taylor doesn't know about the e-mail at all. Where's the viper Lisa we know and love? Has all this wedding nonsense totally defanged her?
Oddly enough, Kyle does not feel comforted by Lisa's cooing about how badly she feels. Kyle feels worse! She’s been friends with Taylor, like, totally longer than Lisa has! This is all about me, Lisa, and don't you forget it! I love that, after so many months of Lisa being jealous of Kyle and Taylor's friendship, Kyle's the one who feels like a third wheel.
On to our B plotline -- Kim and Ken arrive at the party. Kim is so happy to see Lisa she coughs all over her, as there's some need to give a visceral demonstration of her bronchitis. Lisa is charmed. As for Ken, Lisa will only say that he seems… pleasant. I'm beginning to think someone should check Lisa for a high temperature or maybe a recent alien abduction, because she's being far too polite for my taste. The same can't be said of Kim, of course. When Dana (who has to have a prop for every episode -- look at my sunglasses! Look at my lollipop holder! Someone play with me!) produces photos of herself and Brandi to Kim, Kim takes this as an invitation to rail about the Grave Injustice Brandi perpetrated against her. She will NEVER talk to Brandi. And if Brandi tries to talk to her, she'll break her other leg. Realizing she should let everyone know just how batcrap crazy she really is, Kim informs her sister that she will be breaking Brandi's leg if she gets too close to her and has the temerity of opening her mouth. But Kyle can't handle any more problems! Shut up, Kim!
But wait! Somehow, Kim and Brandi get pushed into the same room by meddling Bravo employees, I mean, by accident, and the big fight Kim wants so badly to avoid is ON. Brandi, who has clearly been coached by either her pal Jennifer or a good publicist (a hire Kim really needs to make), stands there quietly and lets Kim attack her. While this keeps the discussion from escalating into leg breaking (like Kim, who looks like an eight-year-old standing next to model-tall Brandi, could even land a punch, much less break a femur on this woman), it doesn't stop Kim from flying into a rage. Doesn't Brandi know she's a CLASSY LADY? Brandi started the fight at game night, and Kim needs to get down on her knees and apologize to God for letting her stoop to Brandi’s level. Wait, let me repeat that. Kim needs to get down on her knees and apologize to God for letting her stoop to Brandi’s level. Sorry, I just needed to make sure I was hearing that right. Anyway, Kim, the classy lady, begins jabbing a finger in, well, not Brandi's face, but closer to her navel. Brandi suggests she put her finger away, but Kim won't! She's a classy lady and she can jab her finger anytime she wants!
There are so many reasons why this argument is bizarre, not the least of which is that Brandi seems to be the only adult in the room. But Classy Kim tells Brandi she has a truck driver mouth. To her credit, Brandi agrees. But that isn't PRETTY, according to Classy Kim. Brandi, who seems to be getting a little sick of being dumped on, calmly points out that acting like a raving lunatic may not be so pretty, either. Kim stalks off in a huff, but not before yelling at Brandi that her daughter has something to say to her, too! Brandi looks mortified and mutters that she doesn't fight with children. But Classy Kim has no problem sending her kid out to do her dirty work. Because that's what classy women DO!
Oh, goody. We get to watch Taylor and Russell hang out in their limo, fantasizing about what a good time they'll have at Kyle's party. This is sort of like the part in a horror movie where the co-eds drink and screw around as the psycho killer watches them and decides which idiot he's going to pick off first. I am going to resist the urge to scream at the television, "Taylor, Russell, turn around! It's not too late!" in part because this awkward conversation is SO clearly set up. Neither Taylor nor Russell really seems to believe they're going to have a good time, though I think this has to do with the fact they're going to be there together. Russell is going to drink an entire bottle of vodka, which means he's going to have fun! And does not mean he's trying to drown his internal pain at all! Taylor this this is great! She can't wait to see her very good friend Kyle!
Meanwhile, Lisa, Kyle and Adrienne are trying to sort out how best to tell Russell and Taylor to get back in their limo and not let the door hit them in the ass on the way out. There is a great deal of talking and not much resolution, which is fine, because Kyle is getting worked up into a good, hysterical state anyway and calm logic would just screw up everything.
Back we go to the limo! Just in case you didn't get a good sense of what a trainwreck Taylor and Russell are driving into. They came home from GREAT fun in Vegas EARLY just to go to this party! Because they love KYLE so much! She's such a GOOD FRIEND! Of course, Taylor is worried about seeing Camille. Yeah, don't worry about it, hon.
Now, we get some interesting information -- Taylor revealed to her husband what Camille said during a therapy session. She also seems to think what Camille said was hugely exaggerated. Um, really? The one concrete comment Camille made was about Russell breaking Taylor's jaw (everything else was broad and vague -- "he hits you, he beats you, etc."). More importantly, Camille seemed to express a lot of doubt as to whether Taylor was telling the truth about any of this. If anything, Russell needed to call Camille to find out what was really said -- not threaten to drag her ass into court (where she'd wipe the floor with him, by the way -- Kelsey Grammar money is going to go a lot further than Russell Armstrong litigation).
Oh, wait. More limo fun! Russell tells Taylor it's time for them to enjoy themselves, because he's a good boy again. Excuse me while I puke. Thanks.
Russell and Taylor arrive, SO EXCITED to be at the white party! Kyle approaches them and promptly bursts into tears. And lies. Camille's already there, and her lawyer told her she can't be around Taylor and Russell at all, as she might burst into flame or get cooties. Paul and Adrienne are not getting on board with this story, however. They want Russell to realize sending that e-mail has made everyone, not just Camille, feel nervous. Russell, who has that weirdly expressionless, serial killer face, says that his e-mail to Camille was very kind. Paul, who does not seem the least bit intimidated by Mr. Crazypants, shoots back that he read the e-mail himself and it definitely wasn't kind. Meanwhile, Taylor keeps chirping like a high-pitched back-up singer at a Britney Spears concert that she had NO IDEA Russell threatened to sue Camille in the e-mail. No idea!
It's all getting a little chaotic until Adrienne asks Russell to simply explain what happened so that Taylor will shut up with her squawking. Russell does, using the spooky-calm voice that he probably uses right before he starts with the punching.
Finally, Russell asks what he and Taylor should do. Finally, finally, they are asked to leave. Oddly enough, Russell seems to take this better than Taylor, who has to sneer at Kyle, "Hope you have a lovely party" as she stalks balk to the limo, flipping her hair extensions and pouting her fish lips in disgust.
If Kyle were a logical person and not an oversized 13-year-old, she'd let Russell and Taylor go. But no! She tosses herself into the limo, begging for forgiveness. She's so sorry! She didn't know what to do! Russell tells her he and Taylor have no problem with her, which is actually, well, nice of him. Taylor, however, isn't letting her off the hook that easily. She basically tells Kyle she's made her decision and she's the one kicking them out, so she can sob and beg as much as she likes but it isn't changing reality.
Taylor probably needs to act indignant in front of her husband, just so he won't break her nose, but let's face it -- this whole mess is of her creation. If she'd never told the housewives she was being pulverized at home, Camille never would have called her on it while the Bravo cameras were rolling. I know Taylor needed support, but if she exaggerated what went on to get sympathy, well, that's pretty low behavior. And if not? She should have taken up Lisa on her offer to get help. Just watching this season is enough to give you whiplash as Taylor sobs and cries and breaks down -- and then makes nicey-nice with the guy who's supposedly beating the snot out of her. But really, Taylor never should have agreed to do this show if she had concerns about her skeletons flopping out of the closet in a very public way -- if we've learned nothing else from this franchise, we definitely know a big problem like this one isn't one that anyone's going to ignore until the cameras are discreetly turned off.
In other news, Dana lavishes praise on Kim’s boobs, but I really don't think we need to get into that.
Do you think Kyle did the right thing in tossing out Taylor and Russell? Do you think Camille exaggerated what Taylor said? What did you think of Kim and Brandi's fight?