We have finally reached the end of "The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills" three-part reunion, which feels a bit like having gotten through a particularly tedious government studies class or a "Nightline" marathon. But the good news is that we finally get to see Kim post-rehab, Dana (before she's shuffled off into the reality TV sunset, I'm sure) and all the many men of the show (all three of them). And really, isn't that enough?
We kick things off with wrapping up a loose end from part two of the reunion - does Taylor think Russell was MURDERED? She will not comment. We have to stop! Yes, she's found her voice and she's going to use it. Still, we get the impression she isn't sold on the murder idea, as Russell wouldn't have gone down without a fight. And we know he loved to fight!
And how do we know this? Taylor is going to tell us, of course. That whole respect the dead thing? Not on her watch! Russell recorded her EVERY day. He had tape recorders hidden in her office, her housekeepers downed them, they were in her car! And, since taping every word she said wasn't enough, he made her take a polygraph test to make sure she wasn't cheating. And when she passed it? He was sure she knew how to cheat a polygraph, or that she had bribed the guy administering the test. So, in case you missed it, Russell ALL kinds of crazy.
But Taylor's not done yet! One time Russell left a party early so that he could hide in the bushes to hear what was being said about him. Again, Russell ALL kinds of crazy. Unfortunately, his worst suspicions were realized, because the host of the party told Taylor he'd help her out if she wanted to leave Crazypants. Oops. Russell jumps out of the bushes, throws the guy in the pool, throws the guy's girlfriend in the pool, throws Taylor in the pool, throws THE DOG in the pool, and starts trying to drown everyone. The guy ended up being hauled away by paramedics and needed $10,000 in veneers, but he didn't prosecute. Why? Because Taylor asked him not to. How would she and Kennedy survive without Crazypants Moneybags? Hey, here's an idea -- she could have gone home to Oklahoma, or asked to sleep on Lisa's couch or gone to a shelter. But then little Kennedy couldn't have had a $50,000 birthday party! Boo!
Because the point of these reunions is to dredge up past conflict, we have to explore why Taylor was upset with Camille for outing Russell as an abusive ass. Taylor, it turns out, was angry that Camille said that Russell broke her jaw, when really, all he did was dislocate it. Russell saw this inaccuracy as his opportunity to stop Bravo from airing Camille's comments. Now we know that Russell was not only crazy, but stupid.
That doesn't mean he doesn't have defenders, though. Brandi still doesn't think any of it makes sense. More importantly, Russell's not around to defend himself. Taylor says Brandi insulted her by taking a stab at her publishing a book. Brandi doesn't want to talk about it. Camille doesn't want to talk about it. But Taylor really wants to talk about it. Brandi was mean FIRST. She was just defending herself! So there! I'm expecting Taylor to wiggle her fingers at Brandi and say "nyah nyah," but amazingly she doesn't.
Taylor, however, quickly gets back on the high and mighty train. She abandoned Russell because he hit her so hard she could have lost an eye, not because she was worried the housewives would dump her. That being said, she has a lot of remorse for dragging her friends into her drama and hopes they can all forgive and forget. Except she isn't interested in forgiving Brandi. She said it first! Nyah nyah!
It's time to invite Dana to talk for exactly two minutes before she's shoved off set and someone changes the locks. Dana, taking a cue from Lindsay Lohan, wears shoes that have "f---k you" written on them. Classy! I don't think anyone was saying anything insulting about Dana, though. Because we'd forgotten that she exists.
Luckily, Kyle hasn't forgotten Dana, because she does a great impression of her showing off her $25,000 sunglasses. Dana defends her tackiness, claiming Giggy has a better wardrobe than she does. I don't think this is the point, Dana. The point is it's tacky to run around spouting off prices like you're on QVC, not the fact you have expensive stuff. But Dana decides it's time to talk about how she left home at 15 after her mom died in a car accident, and she went to live with her rich dad, and she has Issues. Lisa coos. It explains a lot to her. Goodie, Lisa, another sad orphan for you to collect!
We quickly move on to the guys after Dana is blindfolded, kicked out and told never to return. Ken, Mauricio and Paul field stupid questions. Ken still doesn't believe in therapy! Mauricio didn't get any nude photos this season! Paul thinks Taylor still needs cheek filler.
But wait! Ken and Brandi have a red hot, no-touching-allowed romance. Lisa seems bored as she relates how Brandi wants to get jiggy (but not Giggy) with her husband. Ken admits he's just desirable. He can't help it! Oh, Ken and your dry British humor.
Andy wants to talk about Cedric crashing Sur. Ken and Lisa don't want to talk about Cedric crashing Sur. But WHY, WHY? Lisa and Ken point out the obvious - Cedric wanted to be ON CAMERA, so let's STOP TALKING ABOUT HIM - and then shoot Andy their veddy veddy British glares of death. Andy withers and changes the subject.
It's time for the boys to go, as Andy is going to have his sit-down with Kim. This seems like it will be interesting, but if you've ever watched "Celebrity Rehab" or "Intervention," you've pretty much seen this part.
Kim emerges looking heavier, but better. What's her problem? She's an alcoholic! She's working on it, trying to get past the guilt and shame. She just got out of her third stint in rehab, but this one will work. Or something. At least she's trying! Yes, her family had an intervention for her, but it didn't matter, because she was ready to go. But she still has to be on drugs for anti-anxiety. So, she takes drugs, but it's okay.
So, when was Kim drunk. Not at the beginning of the season, when she seemed lucid. But pretty much all the time after that. Though during Game Night from Hell, she wasn't drunk -- just taking her meds. I'd suggest maybe a lot of her meds, but that's another issue.
Ah, time to gossip about the other girls! If Brandi thinks declaring her a crystal meth addict was helpful, guess what? Not helpful. Does she owe Brandi an apology for hiding her crutches? Sure, but Brandi owes her an apology for HURTING HER WHOLE DAMN FAMILY. So now, she will never forgive Brandi. She'll be civil to her, but that's about it. Well, that's still a big step, honestly.
Kim admits she stopped watching the show when she realized she was showing up drunk and scary every week or two. But Andy's brought clips! How nice of him! Kim looks like she wants to throw up. Andy assures her she doesn't have to watch if she doesn't want to as he dangles her contract in front of her face and starts ripping the edge of it. Okay, okay! Kim watches herself staggering around and can only take a minute or two. She didn't recognize herself! And not just because she was twenty pounds thinner!
Finally, the question we're all asking (really! And not because Bravo is telling us we are!). Ken is GONE. She's moved out and she's living in a hotel. So, Kyle was right about Ken? Of course not! Kim does not like to give Kyle credit for anything if she doesn't have to.
Speak of the devil -- heeeeeeeeere's Kyle! Kim looks absolutely not at all thrilled to see her sister. Kyle doesn't regret recruiting her sister to appear on the show, but Kim has no intention for ever forgiving her for the fight they had in the limo. And suddenly, they're fighting about what happened in Hawaii. Again. Even sober, Kim doesn't sound any more logical about this.
They get weepy. You put me through a lot! So did you! We're bickering sisters but we love one another even if we mostly don't!
Finally, Kim and Kyle are about ready to either cry, hit one another or storm off, so Andy sees the opportunity for a cuddly, feel good ending slipping away and declares it's time to go. I think we've established that Kyle will keep meddling, Kim will continue to resent it, and hopefully they'll be able to bond in hating Brandi or whoever for some childish, silly reason. Ah, feuding, it's what keeps sisters together!
Thus concludes are high drama, crazymaking, Camille-rehabbing second season of "The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills." It's been strange, violent and ended in rehab, but one thing's for sure -- I'll be back for more. Just as long as they make sure Dana doesn't find a way back in.
What did you think of the three point reunion? What did you think of the new and improved Kim? And were you shocked by Taylor's stories about Russell?