"The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills"

Credit: Bravo

Oh, oh my. I knew the second season reunion for "The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills" would be chock full of drama. I mean, this season had the usual infighting, plus two new cast members (though only Brandi shows any sign of lasting into season three -- buh-bye, Dana. Don't forget your $25,000 sunglasses!). Add to that Russell Armstrong's suicide, and the reunion was sure to have some tears, some laughs, and possibly some grumbling, right? Well, that's only the first few minutes. This reunion show so overflows with drama that it's been split into three parts. This is a good thing, as the first part actually made my head hurt. So much strife! So little time!

We kick things off with the revelation (now old news) that Kim will not be on the couch, as she's in rehab. Andy asks Kyle if she can tell everyone what she's in for, but she declines. But the wives all agree that Kim probably needed help and give her props for getting it. Remember this moment, as it's pretty much the last time the wives 1) agree on something and 2) are nice to one another. 

Now that the matter of Kim has been dealt with, Andy wants to get right to the questions. Does Adrienne put soap on any foods other than chicken? She'd soap up veggies. If she cooked them. Which she doesn't. And she only used antibacterial, organic handsoap on her chicken! That's okay, right? Oh, Adrienne. Go design a shoe or something.  

Just to be clear, Brandi and Camille did not make out in Vegas, though Brandi did grope Camille's butt. Well, that's good to know. A viewer thinks Lisa's become more bootylicious this season, but Lisa assures everyone that she has not enhanced her booty. C'mon, viewers, these are the best questions you could come up with?  Though Lisa will not reveal how much was spent on Pandy's pukey Pepto Bismol wedding, she will say it was not $500,000 or $1 million, though she really doesn't want to address the question when Andy suggests $250,000, so I'm guessing that number's about right. Kyle will not say Lisa's wedding tiara was goofy, but you can tell she's thinking it.

Now, let's move on to the fighting! Adrienne and Lisa are no longer neighbors, and I'm thinking that's a good thing as Adrienne is holding some serious grudges against Lisa. Adrienne did NOT like Lisa calling her dog Crackpot! She doesn't like Lisa calling her shoe the Maloof Hoof! Lisa was just trying to be cute. Adrienne thought it was mean. Camille thought it was mean, too. Lisa sighs at the overly sensitive Americans. A hoof is cute! It's a little fat shoe, Lisa explains. Adrienne is offended AGAIN! Adrienne needs something else to worry about, if you ask me. Yes, Lisa is a bit of a mean girl, but she's usually funny, and God knows these self-absorbed rich ladies need to be deflated every once in a while.

But no, no one likes Lisa's sense of humor it turns out (does it matter that Lisa regularly takes aim at herself and Ken? No, no it does not). Kyle says Lisa's  humor is condescending. Lisa, who is looking pretty fed up, points out that Kyle said that she preys on the weak! Kyle backpedals furiously. She's still a good friend! Don't hate me, Lisa! 

Lisa apologizes, but Adrienne and Kyle don't like her apology. Kyle says being friends with Lisa is like playing chess with Bobby Fischer. But Kyle (backpedaling furiously again) loves everyone in the room! Even if she just made Lisa sound like a Machiavellian monster. 

Andy decides to make a right turn to address how ridiculous the spending is in Beverly Hills so that the ladies don't start ripping out one another's hair extensions. Adrienne's in home spa probably cost a couple hundred thousand dollars. Lisa has a Valentino dress that cost roughly 30,000 euros. But everyone can agree that Dana barking about the price of everything she owns is decidedly tacky. Besides, Kyle doesn't know anyone who'd spend $25,000 on sunglasses, so Dana is both tacky AND stupid. Guess who we won't be seeing next season, I'm guessing? 

Now that we've had a breather, time to address the elephant in the room -- Russell's suicide. Taylor is taking it day by day. Yeah, yeah, but what did the other wives think about Bravo's decision to air season two? Adrienne thinks the show needed to air because it was educational. Because it showed a woman cracking up? Camille thought the show shouldn't have aired because of Russell's kids. Andy quickly moves on to a viewer question. 

And that question? Why the hell did Taylor do a reality TV show if she was being abused. Hey, good question! Taylor thought the abuse would stop if she was on a reality TV show because there would be camera crews around all the time. Oh, Taylor. He was just going to beat you when they left, silly girl. Then, Taylor says that she thought Russell could have been the love of her life and she misses him terribly, but she says he was a narcissist and may have been mentally ill. What? He was a nut and he beat her, but otherwise he was perfect?

Taylor points out that experts say situations like hers usually end in murder-suicide. Adrienne jumps in to say she thinks the show saved Taylor's life. I think the armchair psychoanalysis needs to stop, really. 

But we're not done talking about this! Camille does not like the fact Taylor pinned so much of what was wrong in her marriage on her. The wives all admit that they never saw Russell abuse Taylor, but Lisa read a text Russell sent Taylor in which he called her an f---ng whore and a piece of s----. Whoa. Camille, who had been a bit irritated with Taylor, softens her tone. She can relate to the nasty texting, as she's been criticized endlessly in a relationship. I swear I'm never going to be able to watch "Frasier" reruns again.  

On to the terrible e-mail Russell sent to Camille! Adrienne thinks Taylor knew about it before it was sent. It turns out that Brandi had run into Russell and he claimed he wrote it with Taylor, though why anyone would trust anything Russell said is beyond me. Taylor said she didn't help him write the email, as she was in Las Vegas where, on her 40th birthday, he sent her a text that said, Happy Birthday A--hole. F--- you, you psychotic bitch. Again, whoa. Russell may be dead, but I don't feel bad pointing out how stupid he was to put such evil stuff into writing. I'm pretty sure Taylor would have been able to wipe the floor with him in divorce court if she saved a few of those texts.  

Time to move on to the conflict between Lisa and Adrienne's chef Bernie -- this is a non-issue, isn't it? Oh, but not so! Lisa doesn't like that Adrienne took Bernie's side in his dislike of Lisa. And somehow this becomes Adrienne accusing Lisa of selling stories to Radar Online. Lisa's furious and calls this slander. Camille says Radar Online told her the same thing. Lisa is VERY upset, so upset, in fact, that Adrienne actually backs down and apologizes, possibly because it occurs to her that someone at Radar Online may not be the most reputable source for information. She may have wanted to figure this out before slandering Lisa, but better late than never. Though Lisa and Adrienne say they'll be able to move past his argument, I'm not so sure Lisa is ever going to forgive Adrienne. Really, this particular insult does kind of make the Maloof Hoof seem like no big deal. 

Brandi takes the couch and it all seems like the lovefest is back on track -- until we cut to scenes from part two of the reunion show, in which there is a lot of screaming and talk about how Brandi threatened to kill someone. So, more fun ahead! Whoot!

Do you think Lisa sold tabloid stories about her friends? Do you think Camille has a bone to pick with Taylor? And do you think Adrienne has a right to be mad at Lisa?

Liane Bonin Starr
Sr. Editor

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Liane Bonin Starr is an author, screenwriter and former writer for EW.com. Her byline has appeared in the Los Angeles Times, Variety and a lot of other places. Her last book was called "a scandalously catty, guilty pleasure" by Jane magazine. Expect the same from Starr Raving.