"The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills"
While the promos for tonight's episode have made it clear that the show will devolve into screaming, shrieking and gangsta finger waggling, we kick things off with a scene of happy domesticity: Lisa making potato salad. She's preparing dinner for her daughter Pandora, Pandora's boyfriend Jason and his parents. The potato salad does look tasty, but I'm not sure I'd want to eat anything at Lisa's house simply because I think it would have a high percentage of Giggy's fur in it. That little critter may have doggy alopecia, but that head is still mighty furry. I just wonder if anything you eat at Lisa's house tastes like you're trying to consume a down pillow inside out.
Lisa hopes her son Max will stay for dinner, as he's a grumpy adolescent and clearly a joy to be around. She's jealous that he's been telling a girl he loves her, but she shouldn't be too upset. Clearly, she has the money to either buy the girl off or have her cleverly assassinated, so no one ever has to come between her and her little boo-boo.
Taylor the Toothpick is making cookies with Trashy McFlashypants Dana. Trashy brings an AWESOME apron to wear while Toothpick weakly stirs dough with her tiny little arms. I bet that apron cost $25,000!
Trashy and Toothpick discuss Brandi. She used the C-word at that barbecue! No, not that C-word, the one you can hear at a PG-13 movie. But Toothpick and Trashy are scandalized! Toothpick hoped to be friends with Brandi, but now she just doesn't know. Does no one remember that the F-bomb got tossed around like confetti at a clown wedding last season? Or is it that naughty words are only permissible in special, private settings, like when you're having a knockdown drag-out fight to air on national television?
Taylor wants to have a game night, but she wants Dana to host it at her house. Her life is just too heavy. As, unfortunately, we well know.
Kyle and Adrienne have lunch. They also discuss Brandi, because it is the Hot Topic of the Day. No one discusses what's going on in Libya or maybe the latest studies on heart disease and women, but on Brandi these women are very well-versed. Kyle thinks she's entertaining. Which is code for yes, I think she's a super slut who lets her kid pee in the lawn. Adrienne feebly defends the pee, and the matter is dropped. Adrienne never seems to love gossiping. How did she get cast on this show, anyway?
But wait! Adrienne wants to dish a bit about that other Hot Topic - Kim. Adrienne tries to tiptoe around calling Kim a big drunk. Kyle, of course, has excuses at the ready. She's tired! She's a babbler! She's always been this way! She has poor balance! Her breath is flammable because we're descended from dragons!
Later, Adrienne meets with Brandi. Brandi felt judged at the barbecue. Oh, Brandi, you have no idea. She feels bad about the joke she made about Trashy's husband. Adrienne nods sympathetically, then tells her to man up and develop a thicker skin. Adrienne wants the girls to get to know Brandi better. This is well-intentioned, but it's kind of like nursing a wounded baby duck back to health and then releasing it into a rabid raccoon's nest.
Time for game night! Kyle arrives first and says she likes Trashy's outfit. Trashy announces it's Valentino! Kyle was thinking Target. Doesn't Trashy realize this is simply what's said in Beverly Hills? You could show up wearing a onesie and orange Crocs and these ladies would swallow hard, smile, and tell you you look lovely. Brandi arrives. More outfit love. Again, it's Valentino! Oh, and Dana can barely walk in her Fendis! Oh my LORD someone shut Trashy's label-crazy mouth! Camille arrives. Kyle is thrilled to have someone to talk to other than Trashy and Brandi. Camille thinks it's weird that Dana doesn't have furniture or real food other than dessert and breadsticks. I think Trashy's house looks like it belongs to a drug runner or someone who's facing foreclosure. You'd think if she can afford Valentino and Fendi she could run off to Ikea and pick up a damn table.
Adrienne calls… to say she can't make it. Kyle is SO pissed. Brandi is developing ulcers. Adrienne was the glue that held this motley crew together, so it's looking like a long, bad evening awaits.
Kim arrives. Kim calls Trashy Pam instead of Dana. Trashy doesn't mind and quickly attempts to help Kim fix her top, as if looks like she just ran through the woods while being chased by a serial killer. When people are adjusting your clothes the moment you walk into a room, you may just want to concede defeat and go home immediately. But no, Kim heads to the bathroom, Kyle fast on her heels. Kim needs to camp out in there to fix her make-up and clean Trashy's mirror. Kim wonders if Trashy doesn't have a maid. I suspect Trashy is living way beyond her means, so my guess is no.
Trashy tells Camille she wants to visit her in Hawaii. Toothpick is uncomfortable with how Trashy is kissing Camille's ass. Heck, I'm uncomfortable with how Trashy kissing Camille's ass. If you're ever in Hawaii again, I love Hawaii! I'd totally visit you! Please remember me next time you're in Hawaii! Can I pleeeease stay with you in Hawaii? I'd rub suntan lotion on your back! I'd clean your pool! Do you have my number? Let me program it into your phone. Do you take this phone to Hawaii? Lord, Trashy, just call Orbitz and book a cheap flight or something.
Kim, who now appears to be living in Trashy's bathroom, tells Kyle she hasn't slept in seven days. She's losing her balance and having panic attacks. She cried and cried and cried and cried! Kyle tries to redo her make-up and get her out of the bathroom before she goes fully Sylvia Plath and tries to stick her head in an oven.
Kyle, who is a little freaked out by all of this, tests her sister's drink. There's nothing in it, so that means Kim is just crazy and not crazy drunk. Fabulous!
Lisa gets ready for her dinner party. Martin arrives, followed by Jason's parents Valerie and Dennis. Finally, Pandora and Jason arrive. Max arrives wearing socks. And clothes, but everyone seems fixated on the socks. How gauche to be in stocking feet! Sure, it's fine for Giggy to lick all the silverware before it goes onto the dining room table, but socks! Quelle horreur!
Jason proposes a toast, but he's not going to propose to Pandora... because he already did, in New York. He and Pandora are officially engaged. Lisa cries and there's lots of hugging. Pandora has but one request -- that Giggy walk down the aisle with the rings tied to a little pillow on his back. That's assuming Giggy lives that long. Giggy licks Ken's face in excitement or perhaps just because Ken tastes like chicken. Giggy gets passed over to Valerie. I would now like everyone to wash their hands.
Back at the Game Night from Hell, Trashy tells Kim she has her back. Kim feels so appreciated! Then she goes to the bathroom. Again. Brandi was a model in Europe in the '90s, so she knows when people are doing drugs. Apparently, this entails going to the bathroom a lot. This is also a sign of stress incontinence, but that wouldn't be a very nice storyline, would it?
Time to play a game! Taylor, Camille and Trashy are one team, Kyle, Kim and Brandi are another. Kim doesn't want to play with Brandi on her team. She doesn't KNOW Brandi! She doesn't like her! Waaah! Someone get Kim a binky and a blanky. This is so embarrassing.
Kyle wants to play Celebrity. Basically, she and Kim are able to phrase a question as "that guy/gal I worked with/slept with/am related to" and the other instantly guesses. Brandi does not do so well. Not only can she not play with Kyle and Kim, when she does get to play no one knows what she's talking about. When she tosses out "the best rapper in all the world," she only gets blank stares from the girls. Kim finally blinks and suggests Brad Pitt. Only when Brandi says "he's married to Beyonce" does anyone have a clue that she means Jay-Z. Oh, Brandi, these ladies do not listen to rap. Rappers use dirty words! Eeeek!
Kim goes to the bathroom. Again. Kyle follows her. With her frenemies gone, Brandi tries to force Camille into discussing Kim's sobriety. Camille squirms and tries to be sympathetic and even plays therapist. When Camille is looking like the sanest person in the room, you know the evening is not going well.
Kim gets up again -- but this time, to hide Brandi's crutches. Wow, the maturity level in this room is absolutely intoxicating, isn't it?
Next, Kyle wants to play a game called IQ Test and points at Brandi, saying, "You first." Brandi's response is "Bring it, bitch," her eyes narrowing like Clint Eastwood's just before he aims his gun at someone. Oh, oh my. Camille escapes to the bathroom and probably is attempting to crawl out a window. Trashy and Toothpick hold each other. Not that Trashy is making things any better, mind you. At every opportunity, Trashy pleads with Kyle to make Brandi stop being mean and stop calling her Pam, as if she's somehow part of this silliness (which any sane person would not want to be). Wow, Trashy, maybe you don't pick sides in a fight when you're hosting the party.
Brandi makes a broad hint about Kim's bathroom usage (and she isn't suggesting the girl needs Depends) and then it's on like Donkey Kong. The girls are pointing fingers and shrieking and restraining one another like a couple of members of "Bad Girls Club" fighting over a cute bouncer. This is so gangsta, but Beverly Hills gangsta, which means it's all fun until somebody chips a nail and then everyone stomps home. But still, rather impressive nonetheless.
We know this fight continues into next week from the promo, which makes me wonder how Brandi will be able to continue with the housewives (I guess contractual obligations do make strange bedfellows). Still, it's shaping up to be one rough season. But if Brandi ever starts feeling overwhelmed, she just needs to start dropping four letter words. That should clear the room of all these delicate little flowers in no time!
Do you think the fight was Brandi or Kim and Kyle's fault? What do you think of Dana's house? Are you happy for Lisa?