Ah, our first introduction to our stars as they trot down the stairs. First thought – some of the stars seem comfortable and have a spring in their step, and some are Rob Kardashian.
His daughter Diamond asked him to be on the show, and she survived cancer at the age of four so he can wear some silly hats and dance on stage for her. Okay, crap, now I’m rooting for him. He's doing it for his daughter! Who had cancer! C'mon! So what if he changed his name into a bumper sticker! He’ll be doing the cha-cha.
Okay, as touching as his backstory is, he’s not exactly a natural on the dance floor. It’s like watching a giant try to get comfortable in a dollhouse chair. He’s just a big guy, and big guys traditionally have a problem with couple dancing. Still, he looks like he’s having fun and he has some natural performance quality. That’s something, I guess.
The usual suspects are at the judges' table. Len Goodman starts off. He says his footwork was atrocious, all sizzle no sausage. Not his cup of tea. Bruno Tonioli says Ron (Mega) has flair, but his length of bone makes it difficult for him to navigate the technique. Carrie Ann Inaba says he’s eccentric and sexy. But the technique was a big ol’ puddle on the ground.
Carrie Ann: 5
That’s about right. Ron thinks they should have gotten a ten or twelve. Well, that’s refreshingly humble.
One of his talents is modeling. Modeling what? Baggy shorts while flopped on the sofa at Khloe's house? During rehearsals, he says Cheryl Burke is his woman and should do as he says. I’m already hating this guy and I haven’t even seen him dance. Sorry, Cheryl.
Wow, nice walking. I mean waltzing. Admittedly, his posture is pretty good. But still, this is like watching paint dry. If he thinks he's lasting longer than his sister Kim did, I think he has another think coming.
Bruno says he looked petrified. Then, Khloe Kardashian HECKLES Bruno from the audience. Wow, this family is all class. Carrie Ann saw potential. Len wasn’t impressed but he wasn’t depressed.
Carrie Ann: 6
She is not a bitch. That’s her idea of an intro. Oh, and she’s going to show everyone the real her. Because the real her wears spangly dresses while shimmying on the dance floor? Oh yes, Kristin, I definitely thought that was an excellent way to show your true self to the public. Besides, I thought she was doing the show for the money. Mark Ballas says she has natural dance talent, and she does actually seem to be able to shake her groove thing.
She seems a little nervous and there are some awkward/spastic moments, but otherwise, not bad. Mark gave her some choreography that's definitely more advanced as well, so she should score with the judges.
Carrie Ann says she has the body to ballroom dance and she’s excited about her. Len thought it was bright and lively. Bruno loves a bad girl with hot hips.
Carrie Ann: 7
Hey, maybe she will get the best scores of the night! But the show ain't over until the chubby transgender guy dances.
Man, does she have a picture of Dorian Gray in her closet? She looks pretty much the same as she did during Wilson Phillips, except that she lost the bowl cut. And really, that's an improvement.
Whoa. This actually looks like, well, dancing. Plus, there’s some challenging choreography in here. I think Kristin isn’t getting the highest marks of the night after all.
Len is grinning. It wasn’t the best first dance he’d ever seen, but it was close. Bruno felt like she was stepping out of a dream. Carrie Ann says it was gorgeous and magical. Yeah, best score of the night. I don’t see David Arquette
or Nancy Grace touching this.
Chynna just hopes her kids are proud of her. Well, if they aren't, they're brats who don't love her anyway. Just saying.
Carrie Ann: 8
Wowza. That’s some first week score! I think she may by my pick to win if she keeps this up.
She wants to show her three-year-old twins that she can dance. She’s not the youngest, skinniest or prettiest, but she has the most heart. Golly gee, Nancy Grace, you're as corny as Kansas in August!
Uh-oh, props. Thankfully, they’re quickly dispensed with. She’s not bad. But she seems so reserved. She may have heart, but she has no fire.
Bruno says she has the moves but she doesn’t seem to believe in herself. Carrie Ann says she has spunk and sass but she has to remember her choreography. Len says she had neat and precise but no flair and attack.
Carrie Ann: 5
He's ready to entertain America on the dance floor. He's really into being pleasant and connected, which seems like an odd thing to be "into." Some people are into Mumford and Sons and skinny jeans, but David Arquette is into... being pleasant. And he brings Kym a gift. That's very pleasant of you, David Arquette!
He's light on his feet -- even if he did start shuffling toward the end. But really, he's surprisingly good for a first week dancer. I love how his face just lights up when he realizes he did something right, but I wish he wouldn't look embarrassed when he screws up.
Carrie Ann thought he got a little lost in the dancing, but she liked it. All he needs to do is relax a little. Len liked that there was no superficial stuff and he was very, very impressed. Bruno thought he looked the part.
Carrie Ann: 6
Not bad at all. He's so glad his daughter's in the audience, as she's the light of his life. And hey, there's Courteney Cox. Either I give them major props for being totally amicable in their separation or, fingers crossed, they patched things up.
She is an Italian model, TV personality and actress. And oh yeah, she used to do it with George Clooney. She'll be dancing with Val Chmerkovskiy, Maks' brother. He's going to beat Maks, battle of the century, blah blah blah. Anyway, Elisabetta and Val have a language barrier. But they both speak the language of the cha-cha!
Oh lord. Props! She's in bed, she gets up, and look, there's Val under the covers! She doesn't always seem to know what to do with her arms. And every time Val releases her, she's like a deer in headlights. Make that a spastic, unsexy deer in headlights.
Len didn't like the bed, he hates props, but other than that he felt it fell apart, so he just hated it overall. Bruno thinks she didn't have the confidence to dance on her own. Carrie Ann thought she was great with Val, but she was terrible on her own.
Carrie Ann: 5
I think she may have to pack her bags. At least Metta (Ron, whatever) has a sports fan base. All we know about her is that most women envy her for screwing George Clooney.
Hope is an Olympic gold medalist in soccer. I give her an advantage just for being an athlete (and not seven feet tall). She and Maks play soccer. Maks thinks she's too muscular to be dainty. Well, that might be a problem since their first dance is a waltz.
I think she's having a problem wearing heels. She seems to be close to tripping the light fantastic more literally than she probably wants to. Still, she looks very graceful and fluid above the ankle. Another contender, it seems.
Bruno thinks she has great attack and great musicality. Carrie Ann thought their body contact was really impressive, but she needs not to muscle things. Len thought she had good hold and good posture.
Carrie Ann: 7
Whoa, good scores.
Nobody will be working as hard as he is to compensate for his lack of talent. I think he's joking, but you never know.
He's really fun to watch, I'll hand him that. Was it good? Not really, but I'm not sure it mattered, at least not this week.
Carrie Ann says it was her favorite dance of the night. Len thinks there were elements of Jagger, swagger and stagger and he thought he was fun and entertaining. Bruno thought it was fun.
Carrie Ann: 6
After running over a land mine as a soldier in the Army, he was burned over 40 percent of his body and he's had 33 surgeries. Given that sometimes burn victims have problems with flexibility, I hope that won't be the case here. It's hard not to root for someone who's a war hero.
That was actually very good. His form is better than I expected. He brings a lot of himself to the dance, which is amazing. Definitely doesn't feel like a first week perfomance.
Len thinks it was one of the best performances of the night. Bruno thinks he's inspirational plus he has good hips. Carrie Ann was touched by his performance.
Carrie Ann: 8
Tied for highest score of the night. Whoot!
She's on the show to get her slammin' body back. Even though she's not the most graceful, she means mirror ball business, baby. Okay, calm down, Ricki Lake. I'd say getting your slammin' body back while you get paid to do it is a win by any measure. Don't overreach for the mirror ball.
This is nice, but given how high the bar was set tonight, it wasn't quite as wow as some of the other performances.
Bruno thought it was beautiful and smooth. Carrie thought the fluidity was beautiful. Len didn't know what was going on with her feet. Oh Len, you judge you!
Carrie Ann: 7
Here he is, the last dancer of the evening -- I'm guessing this is because he's the dancer people are most curious to see or because there's a hope that all the cranks who are upset about a transgendered person being on the show have already gone to bed.
For a roundish guy, he's actually pretty spry. More importantly, he's clearly having fun. I don't know how far he'll go but I don't think he'll go home this week. Good for him.
Carrie Ann says people have been waiting all night to see him and he can dance. Len thought he came out with the right attitude and had good footwork. Bruno said he was cheeky and cute.
Carrie Ann: 6
Well, they talked a good game, but the judges clearly weren't that impressed. But I suspect they wanted to give Chaz encouragement as it took major guts to get up on that stage given some of the things people have said about him in the last few weeks.
Ron (Metta) is at the bottom while Chynna and J.R. are at the top. Personally, I pick Elisabetta to get the boot as she doesn't have an inspirational story, her dance was terrible and no one knows who she is (or at least no one who isn't a regular reader of Life & Style). But overall, the performances were surprisingly strong -- and more than a few contenders have emerged already. I'm not placing any bets on who will win -- but it's always more fun when you're kept guessing.
Who do you think is going home? Who was your favorite dancer of the night? What did you think of Chaz?
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