Welcome to another week of "Project Acc…zzzzzzzz." Huh? Oh, I'm sorry, "Project Accessory," which, though very similar to its parent "Project Runway," has none of the verve or excitement of the original, kind of like an ugly kid whose dad is a rock star. And no, I am not taking a swipe at guest judge Kelly Osbourne. Anyway, "Project Accessory" suffers from personality-free designers (with the exception of cray-cray Nicolina), polite judging (wow, do I miss Michael Kors) and boring challenges. We can only hope future episodes find that zing. And oh, the other thing? No Tim Gunn. Why bother, Lifetime?
The designers natter about the competition and themselves. For the record, David Grieco is straight with a wife and kids. Good for him.
Heidi, I mean Molly, introduces the designers to their challenge -- a model in a hideous hot pink bodysuit on the model. Molly Sims
is looking more and more like Heidi, but let's face it, she lacks that gleeful malevolence that makes Heidi so much fun.
It's Eva's turn to tell the designers that they must transform these ugly ass bodysuits into everyday wear. Brian says that, unless you're on "Starlight Express," he doesn't see how that could be possible. Good one, Brian.
Each designer gets to pick a color of ugly ass bodysuit, then pick someone else to pick their own ugly ass bodysuit. David wants any color but pink -- and guess what? He gets stuck with pink. So, he decides to create Barbie in Aspen, because his daughter likes to play Barbies. Oh, oh no, David. Christian Louboutin may have designed a Barbie, but that does not mean you should take inspiration from the Malibu Barbie collection. No, no, no.
Mwanwhile, Nicolina can't stop thinking about camel toe. They're in bodysuits! There will be camel toe! The horror! I think Nicolina just likes saying the word. It makes her feel rock and roll, I suppose.
The designers get $120 to spend at Mood in twenty minutes.
Back in the workroom, Nicolina is still harping on the camel toe issue. And, when David admits he has no idea what that is, she starts harping on David. Everyone seems truly appalled that David does not know this very important information. I hope David stops pondering camel toe and starts worrying about his Barbie, because this is shaping up to be a really bad idea.
Eva time. Yay. Eva is so boring I swear I'd rather be watching C-SPAN than hearing words tumble out of her mouth right now. Eva tells Rich not to turn his purple belt into a miniskirt. Eva tells Shea to, in essence, stop freaking out. I wonder if Shea is named after the stadium. Just a thought. Nicolina tells Eva she's trying to hide her model's camel toe. Eva tells her she's only calling attention to it by putting a punch of string in front of it. Good point, Eva. Eva tells David he's overdoing it and he's created a costume. And that would be a Barbie costume!
Eva then tells the group that it's a double elimination week. Whoops! Everyone is now very nervous. Really? Yes, the odds of going home just went up, but not that much, guys. And you know one of the people going home is David, so don't worry about it. Unless you're David.
Back at the apartment, the designers gossip. In one suite, everyone agrees Nicolina is batcrap insane. In the other suite, Nicolina tries to convince her suitmates to stop being so damn nice. I'm with Nicolina on this one. The designers have been so sweet and helpful to one another I feel like I'm watching Santa's workshop.
The models come in, and Nicolina decides she still wants to go with the loincloth look, despite Eva's advice. Oh, Nicolina. It looks like your model is wearing a box of tampons. Or has a very unfortunate pubic hair growth problem. It's just bad.
Runway time! Ariel Foxman, Kelly Osbourne and Kenneth Cole
will be judging.
She has a black catsuit, and her choices are very simple but elegant -- a belt, a cuff, earrings and a head wrap. This is good and has a sense of cohesion.
He created a SKIRT? That wasn't the challenge! He also makes an ugly ring and a junky earring. This, not so good. The belt on the skirt looks like Boy Scouts made it at camp.
This is a little too costume-y. I think just one piece with Native American fringe would be fine, but the belt and the purse is overkill. The earrings are interesting, though, again, too much with the other elements.
His Barbie wears a hat, necklace, leg warmers and a belt. And the leg warmers look like what you do with a bear skin rug after your dog pees on it. The belt has nothing to do with the necklace. This looks truly, truly awful. And didn't Lisa wear this hat on "The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills"? And get made fun of for it?
Everything looks a little bit like she bought it from Claire's at the mall.
The belt looks like the model is trying to create saddlebags. And I don't mean the cowboy kind, I mean the fat kind. The necklace falls at an odd place on her bodysuit and the bracelet is only so-so.
The cuff and the hair ornament don't really seem to work together. The booties are interesting, but all of this looks thrown together.
I love the model's Mohawk. The belt is very 80s, but I like it. The necklace makes sense with the bodysuit and the ring is fine.
I love the angular pieces Diego's created -- the necklace, cuff, bag and belt aren't too matchy-matchy, but are very harmonious.
And there's the camel toe-covering belt. Hideous. The necklace and the ring are fine, but the belt is a huge misstep.
Molly informs James he was very lucky he had immunity and orders him to leave the runway. Brian, Adrian and NIna will be moving on the next challenge. Wow, I can't believe Brian got a walk on that skirt.
Christina is first. Heidi thinks it's stylish and elegant. Kelly thinks it's immaculate and something any woman can wear. Kenneth thinks she made the catsuit look good, but he would have liked the finishes on the belt and the cuff to match. Alexis liked the use of brown with black.
Shea talks about her earrings. Alexis thinks the shapes and silhouettes are confusing. Kenneth thinks the earrings are nice but the belt is too busy and the cuff looks cheap. Kelly says the pieces are unfinished.
Nicolina's turn. Alexis thinks the mix of pieces is puzzling. Molly doesn't understand the belt. Kelly says the belt screams tampon. Kenneth says it should have been off center. AS EVA SUGGESTED.
Diego talks about the challenge of making a necklace. Kenneth thinks the necklace is the wrong shape for the neckline. He likes the cuff but thinks it's dangerous. Kelly likes dangerous jewelry. Heidi, I mean Molly, says she loves the necklace and the cuff.
Rich is up. Alexis says he really created a runway look. Kelly wants all of it.
David tries to sell his Barbie as showcasing Old World leather. Kenneth has not seen this girl in Aspen. He thinks the leg warmers are pure circus. Kelly doesn't get it. Alexis thinks there's no sophistication.
The judges gush over Rich. I think he's winning this one. Kelly loves Christina's outfit. Kenneth thinks the whole thing is timeless. Kelly would buy Diego's necklace, but Kenneth didn't think it came together. Kenneth thinks Nicolina's outfit didn't come together. That fringe is hurting her! Everyone laughs thinking about David's Barbie. Kelly thinks it's so Eurotrash she can't even handle it. Kelly thinks Shea isn't ready for this competition. Ouch.
Diego is… safe. Christina is… the winner! Rich is safe.
David is… out. Wow, no screwing around here. David has no regrets and can't wait to see his wife and kids. One more elimination to go. It's down to Shea and Nicolina. Nicolina is… out? Wow, I would have thought the producers would insist on keeping the one live wire on the show.
Hey, it looks like nerves start to fray by next week. Thank God, because all of this lovey dovey stuff makes for one boring non-competition.