"Dancing with the Stars"

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So, the big scandal overshadowing tonight's results show is, of course, whether or not Nancy Grace had a nip slip. She swears she didn't, the gossips say otherwise, and I don't care. Seriously, her costume covered so much real estate it could have served as a pup tent. I really don't think it was much of a slip, even if it was a slip. Anyway, let's get on with the elimination.

We open the show with the guy dancers ripping off their shirts and shaking it all over Carrie Ann, who seems just fine with that. 

First on the block are David and Carson. Kym tells David she needs him to stop looking at her boobs. Courteney must feel so proud right now. Carson is feeling superstitious about getting three sixes. I kind of doubt that either of these guys is really in danger, but okay.

Carson and Anna are... safe. David and Kym are in jeopardy. 

Len wants to see Ricki and Derek's jive again. And, yes, it's still a fun performance. And I have to say, Ricki is looking pretty good. Twelve inches in three weeks? Not bad. Although she shouldn't hold up Kirstie Alley as an example. Yes, she lost weight on the show, but I suspect the drastic weight loss we're seeing now might have involved a little surgery. Allegedly. Supposedly. Don't sue, Kirstie. 

Now for an episode of "DWTS Cribs." Ricki is acting, um, street. Please stop, Ricki. This is, of course, a campy parody of the MTV show. Look at the kitchen! It looks like a kitchen! They have liquid swag and Jennifer Grey's first aid kit! Carson takes us through wardrobe. I wish the whole segment was just Carson taking us through wardrobe, actually. Elisabetta sits by the spa, which is just a kiddie pool. Val brings her drinks dressed in biking shorts and a little bow tie. Oh, poor Val. David Arquette putts on the roof. This is cute, but in the way that home videos by people you know are cute. 

The Script plays. Perfectly fine, no big surprises here. 

Next up, we have our three highest scoring couples from Monday night: J.R. and Karina, Ricki and Derek and Kristin and Mark. The next couple coming back next week is... Ricki and Derek. Kristin and Mark are also safe. J.R. and Karina are also safe. Good news all around. 

Our stars are so upset by the elimination episode. Nancy Grace will never forget waiting for her results AS LONG AS SHE LIVES. Ricki Lake's knees were shaking! Kristin was okay until Mark got nervous. Chaz thought Tuesday was its own hell. Rob Kardashian thinks maybe he won't go out every night and he'll try to get rest. Wow, Rob, that's some commitment. Nancy is a COMPETITOR. Hope LIVES to compete. Ricki gave birth to her kid at home in her BATHTUB. Oh my LORD somebody shut up these people! It's a dancing show, not Iraq!

Time for the Macy's Stars of Dance. It's a Busby Berkeley-inspired routine by Margueritte Derricks, and it seems like a particularly apropos time to reference Berkeley. We're in the recession that never ends, so why not bring back the big, over-the-top production numbers of the Great Depression? Though I will say, this reminds me more of an Esther Williams water ballet (Berkeley went for height, not just overhead shots), but hey, it's all good. 

Rob and Cheryl, Nancy and Tristan and Ewok Chaz and Lacey are next on the block. The next couple safe is... Rob and Cheryl. Blech. Who is voting for this nobody? Other than his sisters and his mom, that is. Chaz and Lacey are in jeopardy. Nancy and Tristan are safe. I guess that wardrobe malfunction paid off, or maybe it was the weird, inappropriate touching of Tristan that people want to see more of. 

We return to see Demi Lovato perform "Skyscraper." People dance on ladders and some sort of elevated stair contraption. Okay, okay, let's get to the elimination. 

Chynna and Tony, Elisabetta and Val and Hope and Maks are up. The next couple safe is... Chynna and Tony. Hope and Maks are safe. Elisabetta and Val are probably going home, if you ask me. 

We have our three sad final couples -- Chaz and Lacey, David and Kym and Elisabetta and Val. This week, the bottom two will be revealed. Interesting. One couple safe is... Chaz and Lacey. That leaves David and Kym and Elisabetta and Val as the two couples with the worst scores. Huh, I'm surprised David is in the bottom two. Yes, his routine was awful, but he's sort of goofily watchable. I wonder if people are still holding those Howard Stern interviews against him. Anyway, Elisabetta and Val get the boot. I have to say, I'm surprised she was in it as long as she was, given that no one knew who she was (except to envy her for dating George Clooney). She's nervous and it was a great adventure. It seems Val isn't going to be much competition for Maks this year.  

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Liane Bonin Starr
Sr. Editor

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Liane Bonin Starr is an author, screenwriter and former writer for EW.com. Her byline has appeared in the Los Angeles Times, Variety and a lot of other places. Her last book was called "a scandalously catty, guilty pleasure" by Jane magazine. Expect the same from Starr Raving.