Ricki Lake

Credit: ABC

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Even though Chynna blew it last night by forgetting most of her routine and Carson was at the bottom of the board, I'm inclined to think neither one will go home. I'm putting my money on Nancy Grace or Rob Kardashian getting the boot. I don't really understand why these two are inspiring any loyalty, given that Nancy clearly looks uncomfortable on the dance floor (no matter how often she tells us she's having fun) and Rob has as much personality as a bag of hair. 

We kick things off with a cover of "Soul Man" by Raphael Saadiq. I did not know he was a member of Tony! Toni! Toné!, but I do kind of love that he was. Great rendition of a classic, too.

We get to hear opinions from the stars in the audience. Donny Osmond thought the evening was exciting. Buzz Aldrin thought it was hot hot hot. Dr. Phil thought Nancy Grace has a lot of courage to dance at all, which he means as a compliment even if it doesn't come across that way. Paul Reubens (PeeWee Herman) thought Ricki Lake was great. Bruce Jenner thinks Derek's choreography will be hard to beat. Courteney Cox thinks her husband just keeps improving, and hopefully she means as a husband as well as a dancer. Kim Kardashian thinks Chaz just keeps improving, too, but just as a dancer. Ian Ziering is still alive. Billy Baldwin still loves his wife even if she screwed up on national television.

Because we can never start the show too soon, Susan Boyle sings "Unchained Melody." Okay, I'll say this about Susan Boyle. I loved her story, I loved the fact she was plucked from obscurity, I actually liked some of her songs from the first album. But this and the cover of "Enjoy the Silence" by Depeche Mode? Egads. Stop. It's like someone just put an iPod on shuffle and said, "Hey, Susan, sing whatever pops up, but really slow."

Finally, it's time for actual results. Up first are Rob and Cheryl, Ricki and Derek, and J.R. and Karina. Of course, Ricki and Derek are fine. Fortunately, J.R. and Katrina are safe as well. Rob and Cheryl, not so much. 

Brooke asks a few of the competitors how they're feeling. Chynna is a fighter. Carson doesn't think he and Anna went overboard, pun intended. Chaz hopes he and Lacey have some momentum.

Okay, maybe it's time to see something other than talking heads. Time to plug "Footloose"! Julianne Hough and Kenny Wormald dance romantically, then Blake Shelton sings "Footloose" and it's a big ol' hootenanny of fun that's sure to appeal to people who were already going to see the movie anyway. 

Time for more results. Chynna and Tony, Carson and Anna, and Chaz and Lacey are up next. We get to watch Chynna blank out as Tony talks her through it, Anna reveals she's a sensitive wench, and Chaz is happy he touched Carrie Ann (as terrible as that sounds). The next couple safe is…Chaz and Lacey. I'm not surprised. I mean, Carrie Ann AND Cher cried. Also safe are Carson and Anna. Chynna and Tony are, of course, not safe. 

Oh no. The celebrities are going to bitch about how hard it is to be on the show. I'm sure it is hard, very hard, but come on, these are definitely first world problems, people. I really don't care if Ricki Lake's clothes smell like a barn after practice. In fact, I didn't want to know. 

Next, Julianne and Derek Hough dance which is, of course, adorable, high energy and fun, fun, fun. I'd say they're a cute couple except that's a gross thing to say about two siblings. 

More couples on the block: Nancy and Tristan, David and Kym, and Hope and Maks. The next couple returning to dance next week is… Hope and Maks. How could they not? They were literally dolls! Nancy and Tristan are in jeopardy. Tom doesn't even try to drag out the drama on this one -- it's so clearly a given. David and Kym are safe. 

We're down to our final three couples. And Nancy and Tristan are… safe? Really? That's a shock. Could Rob be going home? That would be such a relief. It would be a shame for Chynna to go home for whiffing one routine when she is so clearly a strong competitor. But guess who's going home? Chynna and Tony. Dammit!

Chynna is disappointed and sad, but she takes responsibility for screwing up. Well, I still think it's a shame. Who is voting for bubble butted, personality-free Rob Kardashian? He isn't that good, people! And if you're voting for Nancy Grace, the nip slip already happened. I hope you're ready to hear more stories about how she's doing it all for the twins, and she doesn't mean that in a suggestive way. Sigh. Someone just hand Ricki Lake the mirror ball trophy and we can all move on.

Do you think Chynna deserved to go? Were you surprised by the bottom three? Do you think Ricki has much competition for the finals?

Liane Bonin Starr
Sr. Editor

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Liane Bonin Starr is an author, screenwriter and former writer for EW.com. Her byline has appeared in the Los Angeles Times, Variety and a lot of other places. Her last book was called "a scandalously catty, guilty pleasure" by Jane magazine. Expect the same from Starr Raving.