We’re almost done with Ashley’s Husband Hunt and I can’t say I’m sorry to see the end in sight, if only because Ashley seems to say the same things about each and every guy each and every week. He makes me feel safe and protected! I could see myself spending the rest of my life with him! He’s so handsome! At the beginning of the show, sure, rubber stamp superlatives made sense, as she probably had a hard enough time just keeping names straight with so many guys floating around. But now that she’s had (theoretically) some time to get to just a few, I’d hope she’d have something more nuanced to say. Like, I dig guys with Geico caveman hair, or jealous rages makes me hot. But oh well!
 
The final three bachelors and Ashley are in Savusavu, Fiji, which looks beautiful and tropical and, at least where they’re staying, expensive. Ashley’s always dreamt of coming to Fiji! Now she knows what she wants in a husband. Let me guess – handsome and protective.  
 
Next, she explains what she likes about each guy. In a nutshell: Ben has grown since she met him. Constantine is real. J.P. is hot.
 
But wait! A rejected bachelor returns! And it’s… Ryan P.! He feels that things were left unsaid. And undiscovered. They had something! What if she’s regretting sending him home? He needs to find out if she feels at all like he does. He doesn’t want regrets! He’s putting everything on the line. I can’t decide if Ryan is being earnest and adorable or he’s acting a little obsessive and scary. It’s a fine line, I suppose.
 
Ashley is flipped out when Ryan P. knocks on her door, but I think it’s a good flip out. Hard to tell. Ryan launches into a long and rambling speech. He’s 31! He can’t sweep things under the rug! He needs to see things through! I really don’t think he’s saying what he needs to say here, because it sounds more like he needed to prove something to himself than anything else. And yes, he wants love, but the way he’s talking it seems like he doesn’t really care who he gets it from – he’s not telling her why he came back for her beyond the fact he likes her – flatter her, Ryan P.! Give her specifics! We know Ashley’s a neurotic, insecure basket case, so don’t wait for her to fill in the blanks. He’s talking and talking and she’s just staring at him. He gives her his hotel information and tells her she can get in touch if she wants to. I hope Ryan gets to see a bit of Fiji or can keep the frequent flyer miles, because otherwise this looks like a really long trip for nothing.
 
He is open and determined and willing to fight for love. Now he waits. Oh, Ryan P. You seem to have crossed the line from optimistic and fun and upbeat into slightly stalkery with a hint of bitter.
 
But Ashley can’t worry about Ryan P. right now. She has a hot date with Ben. They’ll take a yacht out into the middle of the ocean to snorkel. She feels safe with him! She feels protected by him! She could see herself spending the rest of her life with him! Please, please stop Ashley. They flirt. She has him cover her with sunscreen, then returns the favor. This does not look sexy, but they seem to enjoy it.
 
After they snorkel, Ben is hysterically beaming! His words, not mine. He’s going to tell her he loves her. They both loved cuddling on the way home.
 
Over dinner, we wait for Ben to drop the love bomb. And wait. And wait. And finally, he sort of mumbles something about I love you but it’s used in a sentence and it’s not a declaration. So close! Don’t be chicken, Ben! Do it!

Still, they opt for the luxury suite. They swim in their private pool, then Ben carries her inside for hot sex, or at least we can presume.
 
Ashley’s next date is with Constantine. He says he really needs a haircut. Does he ever! Anyway, they go for his first helicopter ride, and Ashley is very excited about being his first… helicopter ride buddy.  She feels like she’s sitting next to a Greek god. Who needs a haircut.
 
The helicopter lands at Bouma Falls on Taveuni Island. Ashley wants to see if Constantine is ready to dive into their relationship by getting him to jump off a ledge near a waterfall. You know, not everything’s a metaphor, “Bachelorette” producers.
 
Over lunch, Ashley tells Constantine that she learned from his family that he saw 108 houses before he bought one. Constantine isn’t pleased that she’s drawing a line between him being choosy about homes and being pokey when it comes to commitment. Just wait, Constantine, she’s only just begun to nag you!
 
Ashley is so frustrated with Constantine. He’s so hard to read! He can’t jump into a relationship head first! He needs more time and we don’t have it! Um, Ashley, isn’t that kind of normal? Don’t most people need more than two months to propose?
 
Over dinner, Ashley continues to push. Is he ready? She’s just not sure he’s ready. Is it because they’re on a reality TV show? What does he need? Constantine gets tired of Ashley basically hinting around that she’s not feeling it and he says it’s the end of the road for him. She’s glad that he’s honest. They hug, he leaves. She’s shocked that he didn’t want to give it the time to see if anything was there. Really? Because Ashley, you basically said it wasn’t there and it was pretty clear you were giving him the boot. He just didn’t wait around to not get a rose.
 
Still, Constantine’s decision to leave freaks out Ashley. What if I end up all alone? You’re not 104, Ashley. Just because you don’t find someone on a TV show doesn’t mean you’re going to die in a mobile home surrounded by cats that will eat your flesh once they run out of cat food and no one will think to look for you until the neighbors notice a terrible smell.
 
Time to visit Ryan! Ryan P. makes her feel special. She has so much clarity and knows what she needs to do. She and Ryan meet. He looks nervous and sweaty. She starts off with good things. Saying goodbye to him was the hardest goodbye. She was distraught! It was premature. It reassured her that he is the guy she knew he was because he came to Fiji. BUT she doesn’t feel the passion she needs in a relationship. And she’s found it with two people. Okay, Ashley, way to get his hopes up and then dig in the knife. “I don’t feel passion for you – but hey, these other two guys? We’re doing it crazy-like in luxury suites, ha!”
 
Poor Ryan P. He envisioned an amazing ending to their story. He’s sad. He needs real love. He wants someone to hold hands with. His heart is open to the right person. And then you can actually see a tiny little flame of cynicism and resentment light up as he mutters, “It’ll happen. It’ll happen. It’ll happen. Huh. It’ll happen.” Oh, this is so sad. It’s like watching Tigger decide to join a gang or something.
 
Ashley’s already moving on to another sex date. J.P. is her rock. That’s one word for it. They get in a little plane and head to Namenalala Island. J.P. is ready for the end. He’s ready to be her one and only. J.P. would seem a lot more perfect except for that pouty, angry moment he had on the group date a while back that made him seem less romantic and more nutso possessive. They frolic on the beach. They eat dinner in the jungle.
 
J.P. is scared to give his heart and get crushed. So Ashley tells him she said goodbye to two bachelors this week. You can tell J.P. is practically wetting his pants thinking he’s the last guy standing. Then, Ashley clarifies – a guy came back. J.P. wisely holds his tongue, but later admits he thought Bentley came back. Now, that would have been fun, as Ashley would still be chasing him around the island with a machete.
 
Ashley tells J.P. he can’t hold back any of his feelings if he wants to be the last man standing. He’s afraid of getting hurt, but he’s on his way to overcoming that fear, yada yada yada. What a bunch of girls! Just say I love you, it’s not that big a deal!
 
Anyway, they opt for the luxury suite. If there was any doubt that she’s getting it on with J.P., she changes into something more comfortable (a big shirt, get your mind out of the gutter) and they start rolling around on the bed. I always think this episode is a weird one. Exactly when does the camera crew leave? And I guess (hope, really) that they ask the happy couple to stop getting it on for a moment to remove their sound packs.
 
Time for the rose ceremony. Ashley talks to Chris Harrison. She’s most compatible with Ben. Things progress with J.P. when they’re on beaches. Um, that’s not necessarily going to translate into the real world, but okay. Still, she thinks he can make her happy. It was harder to say goodbye to Ryan than Constantine, because Ryan gave a crap.
 
Ashley insists on the rose ceremony, because she wants to make sure Ben and J.P. aren’t going to book at the last minute. Guess what? They aren’t. Not exactly the best rose ceremony ever.
 
So, we’re coming right up on the finale! I’m thinking Ben. But J.P. is cute. But whoever she picks, they’ll make her feel safe. And protected. And she can envision a future with them. Sigh.
 
Which guy do you think Ashley will pick? Were you surprised Ryan P. came back? And are you going to watch “Bachelor Pad”?