HorrorFest 2009: 'Blood The Last Vampire'
Welcome to HorrorFest 2009.
If you want wire work that always feels like wire work, CG gore that never once feels wet, and action that just lays there onscreen, totally inert, then I have great news for you. "Blood The Last Vampire" is about to hit BluRay.
Seeing the two of them work together to adapt a popular anime series should have been an easy home run, a favorite of mine right away. So why is it that it took me three attempts just to make it through the movie on BluRay?
Maybe there's only so much pandering condescension I can take from one film, and "Blood The Last Vampire" pushes the envelope past overstuffed and well into spilling over, and the result is one of the most cynical, boring, by the numbers examples of either horror or action in recent memory, a totally joyless affair that feels like it was made by an artificial intelligence that had only ever had vampires and demons and martial arts described to it second-hand.
Set for some reason in the early '70s in Japan, with any number of pointed references to Vietnam that do nothing to add to either atmosphere or subtext to the proceedings, "Blood The Last Vampire" is the story of Saya, a girl who is part monster, and who kills demons. That's pretty much it, too. There's an ancient Council. There are prophecies. There's a bad guy who has a plan, although I'm still not sure what it was or what her goals were. There's nothing here you haven't seen or heard or read before and better, and the thing that amazes me is just how calculating it is.
Take Saya, for example. Here you've got this great actress, Gianna Jun, who can obviously play a wide range of emotions and who can make a complex, difficult character likeable onscreen. So what do you give her to play? She's a girl with a sword in a Japanese schoolgirl outfit. Why? Because that's hot? Is that literally all the reason there is for anything to exist in this film? Because of how it looks?
I'd like to think audiences are too smart for this, and to be fair, it's not like this was released on 3,000 screens, and it's not like a monster hit. But obviously there's someone who considers there to be a market for stuff this completely fake, this wooden, this pre-chewed, and it bothers me that anyone would look at this film and decide that this is good enough.
It's not. It's really, really not.
"Blood The Last Vampire" is available on BluRay and DVD from Sony Pictures Home Entertainment.
HorrorFest 2009 runs every day of October 2009.
Can't get enough of Motion/Captured? Don't miss a post with daily HitFix Blog Alerts. Sign up now.
Don't miss out. Add Motion/Captured to your iGoogle, My Yahoo or My MSN experience by clicking here.
Not part of the HitFix Nation yet? Take 90 seconds and sign up today.
2013 | Drama | RSummary: Leonardo DiCaprio and Jonah Hill have boundless energy in the story of a real-life commodities crook who earned millions through scummy small-time stock trades.Director: Martin Scorsese
Cast: Leonardo DiCaprio, Jonah Hill, Margot Robbie
1997 | Crime | RSummary: Quentin Tarantino adaptats an Elmore Leonard novel into this story of a few increasingly desperate people scraping to get by. It has deep soul, a wicked sense of humor, and Samuel L. Jackson, Robert De Niro, Pam Grier, and Robert Forster.Director: Quentin Tarantino
Cast: Pam Grier, Samuel L. Jackson, Robert Forster
2007 | Comedy | PGSummary: Newlyweds Nick (Ice Cube) and Suzanne (Long) decide to move to the suburbs to provide a better life for their two kids. But their idea of a dream home is disturbed by a contractor (McGinley) with a bizarre approach to business.Director: Steve Carr
Cast: John C. McGinley, Ice Cube, Nia Long, Aleisha Allen
2008 | Science Fiction | PGSummary: Animated series continues the story of Obi-Wan Kenobi and Anakin Skywalker as they battle the Emperor Palpatine, Count Dooku and General Grievous, but also takes time to explore other smaller characters in the Star Wars universe.Director: George Lucas (creator)
Cast: Tom Kane, Dee Bradley Baker, Matt Lanter
1996 | Crime | RSummary: Jerry, a small-town Minnesota car salesman is bursting at the seams with debt... but he's got a plan. He's going to hire two thugs to kidnap his wife in a scheme to collect a hefty ransom from his wealthy father-in-law. It's going to be a snap and nobody's going to get hurt... until people start ...Director: Joel Coen, Ethan Coen
Cast: William H. Macy, Frances McDormand, Steve Buscemi, Peter Stormare
1995 | Mystery | NRSummary: Denzel Washington plays an out of work WWII vet who takes the wrong job and is soon neck-deep in a mess of politics, murder, and jazz in '40s Los Angeles.Director: Carl Franklin
Cast: Denzel Washington, Tom Sizemore, Jennifer Beals
2013 | Thriller | RSummary: Based on the true story of Daniel Lugo (Mark Wahlberg) a Miami bodybuilder who wants to live the American dream. He would like to have the money that other people have. So he enlists the help of fellow bodybuilder Adrian Doorbal (Anthony Mackie) and ex-convict, Christian bodybuilder Paul Doyle (D...Director: Michael Bay
Cast: Mark Wahlberg, Dwayne Johnson, Anthony Mackie, Tony Shalhoub
2013 | Comedy | NRSummary: Insanely funny comedy show created by Amy Schumer, who stars in brilliantly funny sketches about sex, city living, dating, and friendship.Director: Daniel Powell, Amy Schumer (creators)
Cast: Amy Schumer, Kevin Kane, Mike Houston
1993 | Sports | PGSummary: Emotionally powerful sports classic featuring Sean Astin as a skinny high school kid with big football dreams and the determination to make his way towards his dream team at Notre Dame.Director: David Anspaugh
Cast: Sean Astin, Jon Favreau, Ned Beatty
Let Streaming Genie help you.