Wow, it’s the season finale. I feel like we’ve been through something together, you and I. There’s been some crying (cancer dance), some mourning (Not Janette, no!), some highs (last night’s sexy Brandon/Jeanine paso doable), some lows (every non-hip-hop routine Phillip fumbled through). I feel like, at this point, I deserve a ring, a dress and a big-ass party with catering. Just saying.
 
Kicking things off, we have a really, really big group dance. The final twenty are back for this one, and I feel a little guilty, because some of these people? No clue who the hell they are. If you told me they were randomly yanked from the audience, I’d believe you. And I can only blame a little of that on the crappy camera work and the bad Cirque du Soleil make-up and costumes. But glad to see the producers got full use of that gigantic picture frame from earlier in the season, because you know that would cost an arm and a leg at Aaron Brothers. 
 
Cat looks bright and smiley in her Grecian toga minidress, and she should, because I bet she’s getting a month of vacation before the next season kicks into gear in September. I mean, you can tell it’s all she can do not to shout, screw this fake tan stuff, I’m busting out the bikini in Ibiza you losers, whoo hoo! Anyway, she tells us that there were 21.6 million votes last night, which is wildly depressing because I don’t think the last presidential election was a whole lot higher than that, but clearly, this is more important.
 
As usual, it’s time to go to the judges’ table, and tonight it’s a super sized table, really, like something you’d find in a twin-pack at Costco. First up, we have Lil ‘C, so fingers crossed he brings the crazy tonight. Then, Mia Michaels, Toasty Oreo (Tyce DiOrio), Debbie Allen, Adam Shankman, Mary Murphy looking like a bad dining table arrangement and Nigel Lythgoe. And then, we get a quick wave from the choreographers who didn’t rank for the judges’ table, which must make them feel so special. I don’t even think they got the good seats.
 
Now, of course, it’s time for filler! Yay! I love watching crap footage of all the people who weren’t good enough to make it to the finals, smattered with snippets of footage of people who made it to the top 20 just to keep us on our toes. But we do get to see blink-and-you’ll-miss-it moments from the Mia anti-Brandon rant, Evan’s big brother crying and Janette (who really oughta be in the final four, dammit), well, kind of standing there and smiling. Oh, and there’s Phillip’s butt. Like I needed to see that again. And there’s the addiction dance. And the cancer dance. Can I just say this is actually more annoying than anything, because it’s lots of snippets of stuff we couldn’t possibly give a crap about and not enough of the things we might actually want to watch?
 
It’s ten minutes in, and absolutely nothing has happened. Just a lot of self-congratulatory back slapping. This is worse than the Oscars. Okay, maybe not that bad. Worse than the Emmys.
 
And now, a look at... last night! Really, you remember this, right? Let’s not compound the boredom of rehashing it again here. Go, get a drink, go to the bathroom or something.
 
Now, it’s time for the judges to talk about their favorite routines. Adam Shankman likes the hip-hop number “Mad” featuring Jeanine and Phillip. And then, shocker, Jeanine and Phillip just happen to be on stage ready to bust it out! Wow! What luck! I still think Jeanine is a better hip-hop dancer than Phillip in some respects, even if she can’t do that little boneless chicken arm wiggle.
 
Now, Nigel’s favorite. It’s an Argentine tango by Janette and Brandon. Yes, this is absolutely filler, but it’s great to see Janette again, because I still can’t believe she didn’t make it to the final four. Stupid America. Of course, they get a standing O.
 
We come back from commercial for Cat to remind us, yet again, that there are 3,500 people in the audience. So glad she’s good with numbers.
 
It’s Debbie Allen’s turn to pick, and she chooses a waltz by Asuka and Vitolio, two dancers I really liked when they were on the show but whom I have, sadly, completely forgotten about. But this is a nice routine, even with the annoying Enya music. Vitolio spins Asuka right out to the very edge of the stage at the end, so her emotional little moment of reaching for the camera looks more pained than anything, and I’m guessing that’s because internally she’s saying “WHAT THE F, HE NEARLY THREW ME INTO THE FRONT FRIGGIN’ ROW,” but I could be completely wrong here.
 
Cat then takes a moment to admire Mary’s really ugly necklace, which is clearly made of diamonds, which only proves that very expensive jewelry can look like total ass.  She like Jeanine and Jason’s kissing dance, which gives Cat another opportunity to say smoocheroonie, which makes me wonder if she was actually born in the 1920s or something. Of course, I do have to watch this dance closely, since Jeanine kind of hinted she wasn’t just pretending to be hot and bothered for Jason, and lo and behold, that’s a big, open mouth, did-I-see-tongue? on national television kiss. So yeah, there’s going to be an interesting after-party following the show.
 
Mia picks a samba danced by Max and Kayla, which she calls fantabulous, which is really a horrible made-up word choice. But it is a hot samba, and if the whole Broadway thing doesn’t work out for her, Kayla should join the cast of “Dancing with the Stars.” But I’m betting she signed her life away to Fox, which makes it not so likely she’s hopping over to ABC anytime soon.
 
Then, it’s time for some advertorial synergy! Look, it’s the cast of the new version of the movie “Fame,” and the final four are going to a private screening! And it’s coming out in September! Wow, how convenient! And then there’s the Debbie Allen connection. Debbie appeared in both the original and this remake, so she gets to talk about how wonderful that was, and how it will inspire a new generation and it’s all very heartwarming. And then she starts talking about how the movie deserves an Oscar for dance, and I start tuning out, even though I do love Debbie, but come on with the hard sell.
 
Debbie gets to pick another favorite, so she chooses a top 16 group routine that fuses hip-hop and samba, which she remembers as hot and sexy but really just reminds me of that awkward Paula Abdul-does-“All that Jazz” video from the 80s and elements of “Flashdance,” which no one should ever, ever watch if they don’t have to.
 
Next, we see an Australian ballerina who won the “SYTYCD” competition down under, which must make Melissa want to choke to death on one of her pointe shoes. It’s an interesting routine, a little bit ballet, a little bit rock ‘n roll, which is very Donny and Marie of her.
 
Then it’s time for Lil ‘C to pick his favorite routine of the season, and I can’t understand a damn word he’s saying. Oh, he liked the Bollywood routine Caitlin and Jason did. And then he starts talking about being on a vessel and taking dance to the world, and thankfully Cat shuts him down and we get to Jai Ho. Because with Lil ‘C, we could be here all night. But I will say, Caitlin doesn’t go for the real “smoocheroonie” like Jeanine does, but that’s probably a good thing, although you could bet the ensuing cat fight after the show would end up on YouTube.
 
And then, crap, it’s time for results. Kayla looks resigned. The person in fourth place is... Kayla. Seriously? I mean, I love Evan, but Kayla’s definitely a better dancer than he is. But Kayla is a trooper and smiles through her pain. At least she can count on a hug from her grandpa.
 
Then we watch her greatest hits, and I have to say this – Nigel’s on crack. He said last night that he didn’t see enough personality from her, and man, I disagree. I think she brought it, especially in the addiction dance. Sorry to see you go, Kayla. Then, someone hands her a wad of orchids slightly larger than she is, and it’s time for a commercial.
 
And, more judge favorites. Adam Shankman decides to give Mia a shout out and picks the butt dance featuring Evan and Randi. It’s nice to see Randi back, even if it is for the Pepe LePew routine.
 
Then, Mary’s turn. She picks last night’s paso doable between Brandon and Jeanine. And even though I’m sure both of them are about to throw up from pure nerves, it’s just as hot tonight as it was yesterday. And, of course, they get another standing O.
 
And then, it’s time for more eliminating! And next to go is... Evan. Well, I feel a little better now. I think Evan is adorable and insanely talented and has big things ahead of him, but let’s face it, he wasn’t in the same league as Jeanine and Brandon. Now, some Broadway producer needs to put him in a new production of “Guys and Dolls” right away. Evan is adorably grateful and humble and very Evan-like, which is good to see. He also gets a wad of orchids bigger as tall as he is, and I’m wondering what you get in second place, and if someone is going to actually topple over from trying to cart their flowers off the stage.
 
We return from the break and Nigel says his favorite moment was when Mary admitted to using Botox, which of course makes Mary squeal like a pig in a poke. Then, he gets serious and picks Mia’s addiction dance with Kayla and Kupono. They’re both so good in this, and the routine is head and shoulders above Mia’s butt dance, have to say. Kayla really looks like she’s going to cry this time, and I’m guessing that’s a side effect of just getting eliminated, but hey, use it, sister. In the audience, you can see Shankman wiping tears away, but really, he does cry over pretty much everything, so that’s not so surprising.
 
Then, it’s time for the Rage Boyz Crew, and I’m just going to go ahead and say I am not one of those people who is overly impressed with little kids dancing, since they’re usually on the sucky side. And having many, many kids dancing at once does not make me any more excited about the prospect. Because you can talk all day about how great these kids are, to which I say, Michael Jackson at age five could kick any of their asses and really, that was the beginning and end of my kid dancing tolerance. Then, unfortunately, Cat has to mug around with the kids, and how cute, T.J. lost his front teeth doing a handspring off the couch. Excuse me while I look for something to be sick in, because I really can’t handle this much sticky sweetness.
 
Then Toasty, who hasn’t been allowed to say a damn thing all night, gets to pick a dance, and he’s all about the Brandon/Janette disco, which he says is fan-frickin-tastic, which makes me want to march both him and Mia to made-up-words-not-to-use school.

Excuse me, I have to get up and dance around my living room right now.
 
That Janette and Brandon aren’t both in the final two, well, it’s just hard to believe after watching that again. As much as I could watch dancing around my living room, of course. Studio 54 never had it so good.
 
There’s time for one more pick from Mia, and can you guess what it is? It’s Toasty’s cancer dance featuring Melissa and Ade. Mia says it broke her, and it broke lots of people and I hate to say it, but she’s not wrong. And then Toasty says his friend he choreographed the dance for is cancer free, and that’s a pretty nice little bookend. Watching this again, it’s hard to believe neither of these dancers was in the final four, but at least in Ade’s case he really rose to the level of the material. And Melissa, well, she’s always Melissa. Go, iron ballerina, go.
 
Then Fox has to go and do something tacky, which is cut to Christina Applegate in the audience (hey, is she friends with Lance Bass, or is he just sitting next to her?). Of course, Christina had breast cancer, so Fox is hoping for some tears or rending of clothing or the ripping off of a wig, I guess, and I feel dirty just watching. Ew, ew, ew.
 
Before the break, we see the boring top hat-and-tails version of “One” from earlier in the season, which really doesn’t get any better with age. But then, I thought the power of “Chorus Line” was based in the story, and without that context, not so exciting. And that concludes my insightful criticism for the evening.
 
However, the routine does get more interesting when the judges dance out onto the stage, although it does really serve to call attention to the fact most of the judges can’t kick very high and are considerably thicker than the contestants. Really, guys, it’s like that rule about not working with kids and animals. Don’t dance next to 20-year-olds wearing matching outfits. It’s just not good for you.
 
Okay, time for the final elimination. And the winner of “SYTYCD”? Oh, wait, we have to do the goodbye montage for both of them first. Can I just say Jeanine has great hair? Oh, we’re done now. And so, the winner of “SYTYCD” is... wait, Nigel has to talk. He thinks both of them deserve to win, but he won’t say everyone’s a winner, but he’s delighted about who the winner is, which he found out at 12:30 today so nyah, nyah, nyah. And, finally, the winner of “SYTYCD” is... Jeanine.
 
Good for Jeanine, although I’m a little disappointed we didn’t get the happy ending story of Brandon, who was so loathed by Mia and Lil ‘C, winning the whole thing. But really, this is good, too.
 
Jeanine tell us she wants to be a role model, and she’s crying and blathering a little, but that’s to be expected, then she thanks the Academy, which is actually quite funny. Then, Cat invites her to thank her mom, and she does, although I still think her mom forcing her to dance as a kid is a little creepy. Then she says she’ll miss winning, and her friends, and the Jason kissing piece, and Cat and she loves everyone. Then, there’s confetti and Brandon and Max hoist Jeanine on their shoulders and the party starts. Watch out, Jason, Jeanine is coming for you and she’s in a really good mood.
 
So, it’s been one whirlwind season of “SYTYCD,” and really, I’m glad another season doesn’t roll around until September, because I’m just worn out. But I have to say, I kind of doubt next season could possibly have as many great dancers as this one.
 
 
Did you vote for Jeanine? Do you think Kayla got shortchanged? Which one of the top 20 did you want to see in the final four who  didn’t make it? And are you excited for next season?