When a human becomes a vampire, several terrible things happen at once: The person becomes undead, develops a craving for blood and discovers a profound enjoyment for glaring and staring off into the middle distance. This episode has plenty of all of that.

[Recap of Sunday (June 28) night's "True Blood" after the break...]

Here is Vampire Bill glarin’ like all get out in the front seat of a car while new vampire Jessica screams and bleats in the back seat about how mean he is. He’s just marched into her ancestral home and taken her out of there afore she could kill her abusive daddy, you understand. Teenage vampires -- what can you do? Sookie is also in the car,  of course, having engineered this rat’s next of melodrama. Eventually she gets into a standard sort of TV writer fight with Bill and storms out of the car. The whole reason for that, of course is to get her alone in the dark so’s that a new breed of supernatural critter can come after her and threaten her and make Bill go all crazy with protectiveness. Looks like the critter coming after Sookie this episode has horns and claws and a fantastic gurgle. (Editor’s note: There also happens to be a new waitress at Merlotte’s who can’t read or write. This horned creature certainly doesn’t seem like it can read or write either. Coincidence? Do I care? Let’s start a rumor on the Internets!)

Vampire Bill arrives just after the critter runs off. Sookie can’t move and she can’t describe the critter, and she can’t drink Bill’s blood right about now, but she can flail like the dickens, and he takes off to find her some help. She’s all gashed up. Darn. Just when her black eye was starting to heal up and everythin’.

“You WILL save her,” Vampire Bill booms at some hinky-looking night doctor. Of course he can’t yell away the fact that Sookie has been mauled by some sort of poisonous critter. So sayeth the hinky night doctor, who has been hired to save Sookie by the oontz-oontz vampire king. Inititally, Bill’s blood isn’t doing anything to heal Sookie. A horrific looking vial of stuff that burns Sookie’s back seems to do the trick, however; it produces a white goo that means something interesting to the doctor.

The oontz-oontz vampire king says he’s never seen anything like the critter what bit Sookie. Trying to help, the king offers to give Sookie his oontz-oontz blood but Bill won’t let him. Eventually Sookie is able to suck on her boyfriend’s. Blood, that is. Meanwhile Oontz’s minions go out to track the critter and deem it to be a stinky human animal thing. 

Back at Merlotte’s the inept waitress Daphne is breaking some bad news to Shape Shiftin’ Sam: she’s short her share of money for the night. Bummer! But here comes Tara! Righteous! She has come to defend Mary-Ann against Sam’s very clear hostility. Sam decides to take off for awhile; he asks war veteran and kitchen worker Terry to take over the place while Sam presumably is off baying at the moon and feeling sorry for himself. Terry hesitates, but Sam mentions that Sookie is out of pocket and he could really use the help. Terry relents but not before chewing out Sam for “cutting and running.”

Over a Sunshine Jesus Camp, Jason Stackhouse wakes up screaming from a dream, an obvious indication that he and sister Sookie are somehow psychically linked, Luke and Leia style. Jason is also having guilty dreams about repeatedly draining and murdering that nice fat gay vampire from last season.

At Mary-Ann Mansion, Tara quizzes her hostess about why Sam seems to hate Mary-Ann. Mary-Ann floats the disingenuous notion of jealousy. “All my instincts scream unevolved,” Mary-Ann says of Sam. Get it? Get it? Because Shape-Shiftin’ Sam is a shape-shifter who can shape-shift into a dog? Mary-Ann is hosting a big party; Tara’s boyfriend Eggs plays some guitar for his new girl. He plays so well she forget she’s supposed to be a work. She doesn’t care; as she points out, “I’ve had a lot of jobs.”

Now some strange southern brunette named Missy is testifying about she was all used up by a vampire and how sad that is. She’s doing it at Sunshine Jesus Camp, and Jason has his Truth Ring on, so he confesses something: “I ain’t a vampire victim.” He even goes so far as to disclose (a) his sister’s relationship with Vampire Bill, (b) the fact that a vampire hater killed his grandmother, and (c) that he feels bad about staking that nice fat gay vampire. His fellow campers don’t offer much support; Jason stalks off, followed by blond camp leader Sarah.

Sarah tells a story of her own: she lost her sister to vampires. “They stole my sister, Jason,” Sarah says. Then she whips out the big guilt, hinting that Jason should have done more to save his grandmother and his girlfriend, Amy. It works. Jason admits he sometimes wishes he were dead; Sarah asks him to “pray” with her. They then pray, pant and look at each other.

Sookie’s awake! She sits up to find herself alone in the vampire bar, the one above the dungeon that was recently the prison of Lafayette. The lady that shot Lafayette last episode emerges; Sookie reads her mind and learns the fate of Lafayette, who is now back down in the dungeon, in a collar and chains. Didn’t he get turned into a vampire last episode? No?! OH MAN. OONTZ OONTZ JUST SUCKED HIM DRY AND PUT HIM BACK IN THE HOLE. Not. Cool.

Vampire Bill comes back to the bar and Sookie tells him about Lafayette in the basement. Oontz enters just then so Sookie can slap him and tell him to free Lafayette or she’ll tell the cops. Oontz gets all vampiric and glary. Then they sit down to negotiate some sort of arrangement.

No one is showing up at work tonight at Merlotte’s, boy howdy, what with Tara partying and Sookie negotiating. The red-headed waitress shows up to cover for them, which is good, because Sam would rather stare at a photo of Sookie.

It’s night, so Jessica comes up out of the basement to look around and start a fresh round of pain-in-the-ass. She fiddles with Vampire Bill’s piano and then dolls herself up and heads to Merlotte’s, because apparently it’s the only restaurant in Louisiana. She sits one booth down from that forlorn dude who has one line in every episode. His name is Hoyt and he seems to think Jessica is a real nice girl because of her smile. 

“I could stare at that all day long,” Hoyt says. He also says that Merlotte’s chicken-fried steak is like what would happen if a chicken and steak made a baby together and it was a crispy baby. She orders True Blood instead, revealing her vampire nature, and Hoyt declares that awesome.

Back at the vampire bar, Oontz says he will release Lafayette if Sookie will go to Dallas with Oontz and ferret out the V dealers there. Vampire Bill invites himself along. Lafayette is dragged from the basement and declares himself “done with you crazy ass fuckers -- done.”

LeFleur has found his way to Mary-Ann’s mansion party, where Tara and Eggs are flirting in the pool. Just like the scene at Merlotte’s last episode, the place is rapidly progressing to orgy. There is also a pig in a little shack. LeFleur says he is there because of noise complaints and asks about the pig, but the pig has now disappeared and there is creepy music to confirm that fact. Mary-Ann invites LeFleur to stay, and he cannot resist.

Back at Sunshine Jesus Camp, Jason is having dinner with Steve and discussing the nature of good and evil. Steve says he hates vampires because they killed his family and he has a duty to be at war with the undead. Steve then says there’s a war going on out there, spurring Jason to turn and look out the window as if it’s happening right out on the lawn. Jason seems to increasingly have eyes for Sarah; Steve indicates that Sarah must really like Jason.

“She doesn’t whip out her pudding for just anybody,” Steve says. Indeed.

Jessica takes Hoyt to see the inside of Vampire Bill’s house. Hoyt likes it, especially after he spots Vampire Bill’s Wii game system. He starts to show her the control when she loses hers and kisses him. When he bites her neck, her fangs come out and she gets upset about that, but Hoyt seems to be just fine with it. “Don’t be embarrassed about the way you are,” Hoyt says. “What you are is great.” It’s all very sweet. Then she jumps him.

Lafayette has no health insurance, so he declines Sookie’s offer for a ride to the hospital. Lafayette indicates that he is willing to forget his imprisonment and asks Bill to relay that fact to the vampires. Then he goes home and cries.

Now that Lafayette has been dropped off, Vampire Bill and Sookie are free to have another useless conversation about how much evil is all around everybody.

“I know there’s darkness in you, I know there is, and it scares the life out of me,” Sookie babbles. “But there’s good in you too. When I look in your eyes that’s what I see.”

At the Mary-Ann mansion pool party, a third woman breaks into Tara’s watery flirtation with Eggs and essentially floats the idea of a threesome. Tara takes a look around and realizes everyone is naked and grinding up on one another and it makes Tara all grossed out. She leaves the pool area just as the red-haired lady from last episode has her eyes go all black again. When Eggs follows her into the house, she says she’s not into that kind of scene and hopes Eggs isn’t neither.

Sam decides to go for a run in the middle of the night with his favorite dog from last season.

Vampire Bill and Sookie go inside his house and discover Hoyt and Jessica getting it on, bringing out Bill’s highly evolved glaring skills.

The inept waitress finds Sam out swimming naked in the night, talking to the dog. He apologizes to Daphne for being mean to her earlier. She strips down and decides to skinny dip with him -- and we see her back ...which has the same sort of scratches that Sookie got earlier in the episode!

Told you she was a critter!

 

Keep following your favorite TV Shows, sign up now for HitFix Blog Alerts and get the recaps for for television's hottest shows in your inbox every day.

Is Google, Yahoo or MSN your second home?  Click here to add Monkeys As Critics' recaps to your homepage today.

Not part of the HitFix Nation yet? Take 90 seconds and sign up today.