Come on Lafayette. Wake up, gurl. Get up out that car. Put on some lip gloss and a tank top and bust out some fangs and come back as the man-eater you’ve always wanted to be. Git up. GIT UP. GIT ...

[Did he git up? Full recap of Sunday (June 14) night's "True Blood" premiere after the break...]

Well, hell’s bells. That ain’t no dead Lafayette in that there car, as we feared after watching the first-season finale of True Blood. The corpse is the con artist lady what took Tara’s money! And oo-ee! Lookit. Miss Jeanette ain’t just dead; she ain’t got no heart no more, neither.

“Someone just wanted to see her suffer,” Sookie Stackhouse notes to her friend Shape Shiftin’ Sam right after the corpse is discovered in this bang-up opener to Season Two.

OK, so, let’s mull this through. Sookie’s waitress friend Tara sure would have some motivation to see Miss Jeanette suffer; after all, Jeanette conned Tara out of a bunch of money. But now Tara is denying to the cops that she knows Jeanette. That is SO gonna, um, come back to bite you Tara. Pun intended. Change your mind. Change your mind! Speak out, Tara! Good girl. Go tell the cops what you know. You don’t need no more trouble, given that you’re already living in a mansion with some sort of evil supernatural quivering sexy Michelle Forbes.

But where’s our Lafayette? He’s just done gone. Instead, in the next scene, we’ve got some nasty close-up time with Sookie’s myopic-looking brother, Jason, who appears headed for a life in Christ. That should be good times.

Back at the cop shop, bumbling officer LeFleur is trying to bully Tara into spilling all she can about who killed Miss Jeanette. Then Tara’s mother comes busting in. You may remember that Miss Jeanette duped Tara because Tara’s alcoholic mom needed an “exorcism” that involved a lot of ipecac and peyote and cash. Tara’s mom is still convinced that Miss Jeanette saved her life and is devastated that she --

WHOA, now. Hold the corn pone. Looks like we’ve got some sort of vampire-run underground slave dungeon somewhere and Lafayette is chained to a wheel with three other prisoners and now here comes a fourth! A poor forlorn red-headed guy! No, Lafayette, noooo! Fight, Lafayette, FIIIGGGHT!

Oh, look, Sookie has finally broken away from the latest murder scene for a sexy date with boyfriend Vampire Bill. Quite an awkward threesome, given that a new vampire girl is now living with Bill. Vampire Bill was forced to create said new-girl-vampire as punishment by some vampire court-something-or-other last season. That’s not important. What’s important is that the new vampire girl, Jessica, is hot and underage and redheaded and built for trouble. 

Jessica has been a vampire for two weeks; Bill seems to have sort of forgotten to share that fact with Sookie. That does not play well with our plucky waitress heroine.

“It was only to protect you,” Bill argues.

Sucka, please. Sookie’s outta there.

Sookie’s brother Jason, meanwhile, is moving up the Jesus ladder. He is being introduced to all the anti-vampire crusadin’ preachers -- including a couple named Steve and Sarah. Steve runs some sort of leadership conference and likes to say “May His holy light shine upon you.” Sarah’s hot and blond. They say they want to see Jason at their upcoming leadership camp -- if he can come up with $1,200.

So what’s up this season with Shape-Shiftin’ Sam? Well, we already know he has some sort of shady history with the mysterious Mary-Ann. Mary-Ann made her debut toward the end of last season, stark naked and flanked by pigs on the side of the road. She eventually shacked up in a huge local mansion, where Tara now lives.

Flashback; looks like the ugly history between Sam and Mary-Ann started when Sam was 17 and he shape-shifted his way into Mary-Ann’s house and stole a bunch of her stuff. Now it seems that Sam wants to give Mary-Ann’s stuff back. Well, that’s sure upstandin’.

Poor Sookie. Her Grandma died last season, you know, cut to pieces by a murderous Cajun. Sookie still misses her lovin’ grandma. A sad lull while Sookie picks up grandma’s knitting and goes through all her crockery and pearls.

A bow-tie man now appears at Sookie’s door. He tells Sookie that her great-uncle Bartlett has also died. Apparently Bartlett washed up in a crick. No sign of burglary and forced entry, but there is creepy music, and we do seem to recall that he used to abuse Sookie, and that Vampire Bill paid him an angry visit last season.

Sookie has inherited about $11,000 in Bartlett’s finances. She takes it with trembling hand, only to later give it to her brother, who, of course, sees this as a sign from God. Now Jason has the money to go to that vampire hate camp.

New scene! Another sunny day at Casa de Mary-Ann. Tara lollygags poolside with Mary-Ann and a hot dude, eating exotic fruit and rubbing up on Egyptian towels and smokin’ out. A large picture of the god Pan seducing a human lover overshadows the scene. I don’t think we have enough foreshadowing here.

Whoa, another flashback. Looks like Shape-Shiftin Sam did a lot more with Mary-Ann back in his teen years. Yep, that means sexin’. And it also looks like Mary-Ann gets some sort of supernatural power whenever she gits it on.

New waitress at Merlotte’s. Used to work at Cracker Barrel. Sam seems to think she’s neat. Looking forward to seeing what kind of critter she turns out to be. 

Back in the dungeon, Lafayette is regretting all the choices he made in life. Not the choices that landed him in that dungeon, though. The other stuff. Drugs and sex. I’d maybe consider getting some new regrets. 

Some fat-chewin’ goes down at Merlotte’s. Sookie tries talking to Shape-Shiftin’ Sam, but he seems sick of Sookie’s toying with him in the love department. Cop LeFleur is bounced off the murder case by his boss. Jason tells his sister he’s going to a churchy leadership conference but of course leaves out the part that the get-together is run by anti-vampire activists. Jason’s new take on love makes Sookie reconsider walking out on Vampire Bill.

Mary-Ann shows up at Merlotte's to see Shape-Shiftin’ Sam and to, presumably, get back her stolen things. Sam apologizes: “I was scared at the time,” he says. But it looks like Mary-Ann wants something other than cash and jewelry. Looks like Tara’s new love interest wants somethin’ physical too. He’s at the bar picking up on her; Sam walks in and sees it and looks none too pleased.

Speaking of Vampire Bill, he’s having a hard time acclimating his new charge to True Blood. Bill warns Jessica she may not survive if she doesn’t get her strength from somewhere. She indicates she’d rather get said strength from real live people, especially those with tattoos. Sookie arrives and makes her peace with Jessica but gets het up all over again once she learns that Bill did indeed kill her molesting uncle. Bill makes a big southern speech about atoning but not being sorry.

“I refuse to apologize for what you have awakened in me. You are my miracle, Sookie,” Bill hisses. Wow. Did Stephenie Meyer write this episode?

Down in the dungeon, the new guy says he wants to bust out, but then the oontz-oontz Eurotrash leader of the vampires comes down in there, his head full of hair-color foils, and drags away the poor human and rips him to shreds. Guess Lafayette’ll have a harder time than he thought getting out of there.

But thank goodness, at least he’s alive.

 

What'd y'all think, "True Blood" fans?