How much longer, you True Blood producers? How much longer until I get my all-Lafayette special? Things are getting awfully serious with the rest of the residents of Bon Temps -- human and otherwise. Is it so wrong to wish for a high-larious, all-singing, all-dancing hour of Lafayette?

[Full recap of Sunday (July 19) night's "True Blood" after the break...]

Oh, I so called it. The new waitress is a critter, all right! (I SO predicted she'd be a critter.) And now we know what kind! She's a female version of Shape-Shiftin' Sam! And she even has a ladylike animal that she turns into, a pretty little deer. Ain't that sweet?

And get this! Daphne's proud of it! And she loves that Sam is a shape-shifter too! Forget that it's animal miscegenation! Let's all burst into song and git it on! 

Over in Dallas, we've discovered that a bellhop has the same powers as Sookie Stackhouse. But he wants no parts of Sookie and her vampire people. He's real a-skeert of vampires and their friends because it appears that, in Dallas, the vampires are, like, serious. About killing humans, I guess.

Vampire Bill and new vampire Jessica are not getting along well in their vampire hotel, what with her wildness and Bill's boringness. Still, Sookie wants to git it on. Git it on and cut so I can see some Lafayette. Oh, crap, they're talking now. Vampire Bill seems worried about Sookie's safety. That's nice. Oh dear God STOP TALKING.

"My only desire is to keep you safe," Vampire Bill says. Hey, if someone kills Sookie will that shut you up?

Jessica picks up the vampire phone at the vampire hotel and calls her new boyfriend, Hoyt. Hoyt still lives with his mom. He's still more interesting than Vampire Bill. They talk for a long time.

At the sunshine Christian camp, Jason is woken up just as God makes the sun come up in the sky. He is now a trainee in the Soldiers of God, a crack anti-vampire unit what loves Jesus, and he has to obey a drill sergeant who calls him a sinner. 

"I pray Jesus isn't watching this crap today," the drill sergeant says. That makes two of us. Things are really competitive on the training ground. One dude falls over during a run and another dude rubs it in.

Oh, Tara has it bad for Eggs. She wakes up and leans over onto his chest just to make sure he's real, or alive, or something. Oh! Time for this week's Grandma moment--that's when someone looks at Gran's photo and the sad guitar music starts a-pickin'. Oh, Gran, Tara misses you so. I do declare. That Gran actress must be making serious bank each week when someone gets weepy on that photo. 

Tara tells Eggs he's the only reason she had such a good birthday. (OHGOODCHRISTWHEREISLAFAYETTE.)

Next morning, Sookie makes a point to bother the bellhop some more over continental breakfast. The bellhop feels cursed, but Sookie insists to Barry he can control his brain. He doesn't buy it. Sookie takes a bunch of fruit and goes back up to the vampire room in the vampire hotel and tells Vampire Bill she's found another telepath. Bill, being Vampire Bill, just worries some more about Sookie's safety. She talks and talks about please lean on her and all this. Vampire Bill admits he feels out of control and like a "waitress" because he has to deal with Sookie and Jessica. Bill also reveals that Eric, the Oontz-Oontz-Foreign-Language-Speaking Vampire Sheriff, is acting way intense, even for a vampire. 

Back at Merlotte's, war veteran Terry is caught between feuding waitresses Daphne and the Red-Headed Slacker. Shape-Shiftin' Sam arrives and indicates he has decided he likes Doe-Shiftin' Daphne. 

Oh thank God, it's Lafayette. Bless your kohl-rimmed eyes, I have missed you so. Sam lectures Lafayette about not calling or writing, but Lafayette is uncharacteristically quiet. Sam gives Lafayette his job back but can't get a word from the fry cook about what happened to him.

Oh, man. Mary-Ann shows up at Sookie's house and reveals she plans to move in. Apparently Mary-Ann's House O' Good Times doesn't belong to her. Tara stands firm and won't let Mary-Ann stay, despite a huge spread of food the mystery woman has laid out. Tara breaks the news to Eggs, who indicates he moves around with Mary-Ann. Thats weird. Tara says as much and asks what their deal is. Eggs throws her questions back in her face in a very passive-aggressive, not-cool manner. He makes her feel bad for not letting Mary-Ann stay, saying they're all a "family" that takes care of each other.

Back at Sunshine Jesus Camp, Luke, the guy who is very jealous of Jason Stackhouse, starts to lag behind in training. The drill sergeant makes him cry and asks the rest of the trainees what they would do with Luke after such a failure. Jason leaps like a hero on top of the training fence and pulls Luke up and it's very dramatic and uplifting. Until Luke crashes into the dirt. Sarah, Steve's wife, who has been flirting religiously with Jason, is very impressed. 

Later on, back at Casa de Jesus Camp, Sarah argues with Steve, the leader of Sunshine Jesus Camp, saying she feels like training as gone too far and she's being left out of decisions. Jason walks in and Steve says to come take a walk with him so's that he can show Jason something. It's a big arsenal of crazy gun power and other weapons. The featured weapon: a wooden arrow, a.k.a. an Itty Bitty Stake. There are also flame-throwers, which Jason really likes.

It seems that Bill, Sookie and Oontz have arrived at a vampire house owned by two sexy vampires who apparently work for Godric, the abducted vampire. The lady vamp has an accent and seems annoyed. The other vamp seems to be an urban cowboy who shops at Big and Tall. The big discussion is who kidnapped the mystery vampire Godric. The Sunshine Jesus Camp people come under brief suspicion but they're brushed off as amateurs. Vampire Bill tries to rise up and be a leader with his speechifyin' but the urban cowboy vampire insists there needs to be a war. When they all go back to the hotel, Sookie learns bellboy Barry has quit.

Later that night, Mary-Ann shows up at Merlotte's. She stares really hard and concentrated-like and makes the whole restaurant get mad at itself, and then focus all its anger on Tara. Then Mary-Ann makes her bald guy servant/chef drive her away.

At Casa de Jesus Camp, Jason is taking a bath when Sarah finally makes her move. She gets all seductive and makes sure his man parts point straight up toward the good lord. Then they have a sexy debate about Mary Magdalene. Then Sarah says God wants him to have a reward. 

In Dallas, things are getting heated in the stylish vampire house. Sookie offers to infiltrate the Sunshine Jesus Camp. Sookie has daisies in her hair and proves to be very persuasive, despite the daisies. The hot-headed urban cowboy vampire says he doesn't want any part of it but Oontz says go for it. Vampire Bill, being Vampire Bill, needs to yell at Oontz and off they go. Bill finally asks why Oontz is so obsessed with finding Godric, and through flashback, we find out there was a big battle back when guys wore chainmail shirts and everyone was a Viking but had modern haircuts. Oontz is dying after a big throw-down and his battlemates try to cheer him up by talking about Valhalla and chicks, but Oontz just seems pissed. That night they make camp, get attacked by a vampire and Oontz becomes a critter of the night at the hands of a magical boy who is young and fangy and wise. The boy is Godric. He seems to be a New World Injun.

Closing time at Merlotte's. Daphne and Sam pillow-talk about Shaper-Shifter things and get it on animal style.

Tara comes back to Sookie's house and finds Mary-Ann sitting there in the kitchen again, wearing what appears to be Gran's apron. (No sad guitar pickin' this time, however.) Tara asks Mary-Ann and her small gang to stay, just cuz they're like family. 

Vampire Bill and Sookie yap some more. Vampire Bill suggests they scamper away back to Bon Temps but Sookie insists on the infiltration business. They talk some more about sex and all this. Poor kids. Can't have sex without talking first.

Ooh, flyin' camera! Who's walkin' down the hall of the vampire hotel? It's Vampire Bill's maker, sporting a nice fashion update from her previous Civil War frock. And she seems to hear Sookie and Vampire Bill gettin' it on. Oh dear.

Fade out.

 

Thoughts on this week's "True Blood"?