Great day in the mornin! It’s only five seconds into this here episode two of True Blood and I already want something chicken-fried. Or a burger. Burger would be good. Hey, Lafayette, can you maybe grill me up a ... oh. Right. You’re in an underground vampire slave dungeon chained to a giant wheel while the oontz-oontz Eurotrash vampire king gets his roots done upstairs. Will Lafayette escape this episode? I hope so. I’m so hungry.

[Recap of Sunday (June 21) night's "True Blood" after the break...]

Actually, no I’m not. Very first scene of episode two has Oontz-Oontz tossing a human arm toward prisoner Lafayette. It’s gross.

“Is there blood in my hair?” Oontz Oontz asks Lafayette in a bizarre opening exchange. There is, but that’s not the point. A woman named Pam is going to help interrogate Lafayette and maybe find out all the dirty things he did back when he dealt in vamp blood, a drug to humans that’s also known as “V.” Careful, Oontz. Y’all just might go gray and need a whole new set of root touchups after rummaging around in Lafayette’s brain.

But first, back to dirty lovemakers Sookie and Vampire Bill, who are talking about their lovemaking again. See, they can’t just have sex. And they can’t just have vampire sex, where Bill chomps on her during coitus. No. They have to talk about it after, every single time. Thankfully, the conversation soon shifts to new vampire Jessica, and what they’re gone do wit her. She wild, you understand. And she’s currently living under Vampire Bill’s roof while she adjusts to a life of True Blood. “I’ve had to work very hard at getting back to my humanity,” Bill explains. Conversely, he warns, Jessica is experiencing undeadness for the first time and may not be able to curb her wild blood-sucking, people-killing instincts. Essentially, Bill warns, watch out for Jessica. She’s a spitfire. 

Back to the vampire dungeons masters, who have dragged Lafayette upstairs for questioning. Lafayette indicates he will pretty much do anything to get out of his new prison. Oontz inquires as to the the whereabouts of a fat, male vampire who disappeared in True Blood season one. Lafayette spills that Sookie’s brother Jason Stackhouse probably took him, though, he admits, he knows nothing else. (You’ll recall that Stackhouse did indeed kidnap the fat vampire and got high off his blood before Jason and his girlfriend killed the prisoner.) Finally, Oontz quizzes Lafayette on possible V dealers in the Dallas area; Lafayette gives up an email address, but it isn’t enough to save him from being tossed back in the dark basement hole.

Jason, meanwhile, is on a bus headed for some sort of sunshine Jesus camp that specializes in fighting vampires and their sinful ways. Jason befriends an athlete who is awed that Jason has had personal conversations with Steve and Sarah, the heads of the Jesus sunshine camp, and asks if he can be Jason’s buddy. 

Oh! Looks like Tara has finally gotten it on Eggs, with her hottie from Mary-Ann’s manse o’ decadence. Strolling on the lawn, Tara admits to Eggs that she has had bad luck with men and asks a bunch of questions. The dude tells her he has lived under a bridge and done prison time for assault and possessing and dealing drugs. (Ohh! Is it V?! Awesome.) Tara seems fine with it.

Now Sookie is having a hot beverage in her kitchen and watching a news report indicating that Jessica’s parents are sick with worry. Sookie, being Sookie, must do something about this, but not before staring a photo of her dead grandma. Grandma, oh Grandma, Sookie did love you so, as we are reminded in every episode.

Jason has arrived at sunshine Jesus camp. “Rings of Honesty” -- a thinly disguised rip-off of promise rings with the added bones of vampire-repelling silver -- are distributed. “Today is the day His holy light begins to shine on you,” Sarah announces to the crowd. Whooping ensues.

Another afternoon at Merlotte’s! Mary-Ann wiggles in to see Shape-Shiftin’ Sam and give him his daily dose of threatening mystery. 

“Stop fucking with me,” he growls at her. “I want you to leave.”

Mary-Ann simply reminds Sam that he once stole from her and she’s not going anywhere and then orders a ton of food. I’m assuming Shape-Shiftin’ Sam is pickin’ up the tab.

Wow! They play capture the flag at sunshine Jesus camp! And there’s much rassling among the ripped and shirtless God’s youth. To the tune of “God Bless Texas,” we can see that Jason can make a whole lot of friends right easy, just by doffing his top and tackling a few of fellow lovers of His holy light.

Looks like the new waitress may have a problem reading and writing. I wonder which mythological critter suffers from illiteracy.

Down in the dungeon, Lafayette sees a piece of metal shining among the guts that were ripped out of a fellow prisoner, who is now quite dismembered. Lafayette digs around in a limb until he fishes out some sort of artificial joint and then uses it to doff his chains. He still has his metal collar, but he’s making decent enough progress that I am starting to hope he’ll be back at Merlotte’s for the dinner shift.

Tara and Sookie are having a girl moment. Tara’s uneasy about how, well, easy everything the living is at Mary-Ann Mansion. Sookie responds by asking Tara to move in with her. But before Tara can answer, Sam explodes at the new waitress critter and the convo is temporarily halted. Mary-Ann meets Sookie, who of course tries to read the newcomer’s mind. Everything is in an odd language and Sookie gets nowhere. 

Breakout time! Just as Lafayette is ready to burst into daylight and sweet, sweet freedom, a lady emerges and shoots our favorite character in the leg and starts screaming. She’s real sorry all of a sudden, but Lafayette cannot run.

Christian country-rock-power-pop break! The sunshine Jesus camp crowd is enjoying a wholesomely sexy concert sung by some very chaste girl who will shag Jason either in this episode or sometime in the two episodes immediately following. Then Steve and Sarah lead the group in a-testifyin’ to just how bad vampires are. Jason enjoys a popular moment while his new guy friend seems jealous. That’s so not what Jesus would do.

Back at Vampire Bill’s house, Jessica breaks down and admits she misses home and starts crying blood, and Sookie comforts her and explains that there comes a time in every vampire girl’s life when blood will come out of her face. They bond. Sookie reveals that sometimes you can get over people faster if you go to where they are or have been. Of course Jessica begs to be taken to her parent’s house, just so she can look at it and get over everything, like Sookie says. Sookie hesitates, but there’s all that blood coming out of Jessica’s eyes and it’s sad and freaky and Sookie relents. She swears Jessica to secrecy and they take off.

Jessica stars balefully out the car window at her old home. Idiotically, Sookie tells Jessica that the reason she’s a vampire is because of her, but Jessica carries no grudge. Instead she dashes up to her homestead and reunites with her family, dragging Sookie with her. 

Vampire Bill, meanwhile, is shopping at a women’s clothing store, looking for respectable lady togs for Jessica. The saleswoman flirts with him until she realizes he’s a vampire and then offers to jump him. He declines just as Oontz Oontz appears behind him and indicates they need to talk. Oontz wants to borrow Sookie to take her to Dallas, presumably to go after the V dealers there. Vampire Bill says no; Oontz indicates he’s taking her anyway and that Bill’s a doofus. 

Back at I-Hate-Vampires camp, Jason demonstrates he still has residual guilt and trauma over killing his fat vampire captive last season by almost driving a stake into Sarah during some sort of skit. 

But the real action is back at Merlotte’s, where Mary-Ann is chomping down onion rings and buttering up the insipid new waitress while newly demoted cop LeFleur sulks into his suds. Sam and LeFleur bond over the fact that they both hate dancing. That’s sure to manifest into something interesting in a later episode. Or maybe right now actually; Mary-Ann and LeFleur start to dance the night away. In fat Mary-Ann gyrates all around the joint and spurs every couple on the dance floor to have sex on the spot. Before long, the B-52s are playing and it’s a full-on orgy boogie party at Merlotte’s. One lady looks up in ecstasy at the ceiling and her eyes go all black. Sam tries to kick Mary-Ann out but she just turns him into a dog and lectures him.

Oh, crap. Lafayette didn’t make it out of there. Oontz offers to let him die or kill him quick, but Lafayette offers a third option: getting turned into a vampire. He makes his case; “I’ll be your badass vampire.” “Showtime,” Oontz replies, and he and his vampire lackeys get busy with the process of sucking Lafayette dry. Hooray! Lafayette Forever!

In the final scene, Jessica confronts her father, who turns out to be some sort of abuser. Just before Jessica can off her dad with the belt what beat her, Vampire Bill busts down the door and yells at everyone and growls off into the middle distance. Fade. No further scenage.

Oh well. Guess I’ll have to make my own burger tonight.

 

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