When we last left the randy, fairy-touched folk of Bon Temps, Jessica was developing a taste for more exotic food; Lafayette and Co. were trying, with mild success, to parlay with Pam over Marnie’s necromantic machinations; Vampire Bill had entered into a duly negotiated and sealed sexual union with Portia Bellefleur; Jason was being hog-tied and raped by unwashed panther women; and Eric’s brains had been rendered into a hush-puppy-like mess -- soft on the inside, fried crispy on the outside -- by a bunch of Wiccans before he got all squirrelly and drained Sookie’s fairy godmother.
Cut to the present. Another soiled panther-woman in a sundress is trying to rape Jason while a coot yells “Breed, Ghost Daddy, breed!” Then she’s done. Next! An oddly clean piece of panther jailbait presents herself. She says Jason had better give her a cub lest she cut off his deviled eggs. Jason persuades the young girl to abandon her premature quest for a litter; instead, the girl cuts Jason loose.
Nan, meanwhile, is meeting with Vampire Bill. She is none too pleased to hear that Eric has been sent after Wiccans.
“They don’t make necromancers the way they used to, Bill,” Nan argues. “Get a grip!”
A fine argument, that. But then Bill says, if the Wiccans are so harmless, where’s Eric, huh? Yeah, that’s right! In your FACE! Nan counters that Bill needs to clean this new mess up himself, and oh, by the way: Don’t go killing any humans, Wiccan or otherwise.
Marnie’s new spirit tenant is starting to send her visions of the past. Oh no! That spirit, a beautiful young woman, is being burned alive in old-timey Europe! Marnie watches helplessly as the woman is set aflame. The woman utters a curse on the men who burn her. Marnie, who speaks curse pretty well, picks up some of the words before she wakes up from her dream. Lafayette, Tara and Jesus drive over in the Mystery Machine to see Marnie. They remind her that the vampires are still pissed at all of them, more than ever before. Marnie had better figure out a way to use her new spirit tenant, and her goddess friends, to best these vampires, or the whole circle is doomed.
Alcide is taking off his clothes in front of Sookie’s house. (For the record, he goes commando. You’re welcome.) He turns into a wolf in an effort to help Sookie search for the missing Eric. (Also missing: Tommy Merlotte. Hoyt’s ma, Maxine, comes by Sam’s place to report the young shape-shifter as being done gone. Maxine loves herself that boy and wonders if Sam has done something to him.)
Back to Hot Shot, where that young girl is pretending she ain’t pure no more. Felton quizzes her lustily about her supposed experience with the new Ghost Daddy, only to learn that Jason has ex-caped, and the coot is tied up instead! Felton is so pissed he goes panther right there and runs off with some pals to search for Jason.
Eric, it turns out, is swimming in broad daylight, filled up with fairy blood like he is. He gets all pissy when he sees Alcide, but then Eric starts to cook in his own skin. That fairy blood is fading away, and Eric needs to get on and up out of the sun. Alcide and Eric use their various supernatural abilities to dash back to Sookie’s house. Back in the safety of his vampire cubby, Eric asks Sookie to stay with him, but she demurs. After all, Alcide is upstairs and could doff his clothes at any time. However, Alcide does not take off his clothes or even go shirtless. Instead he tells Sookie that Eric should clear out. Sookie says no, but she rubs up on Alcide regardless. The shirts all stay on. Alcide leaves.
Poor Jason. He has no shape-shifting abilities to speak of. Alls he can do is stumble around while the yowling of the pursuing panthers grow closer and closer. Oh no! Here they come! But Jason has covered himself in dirt, and the Hot Shot people, covered in grime like they are, can’t smell their quarry, or something. Run, Jason, run! Get a stick and whittle it into a weapon the way all good Southern boys can! Use it to stab yourself some panther! Here comes a panther now, Jason! Stab it! Stab it good! The stabbing works; Felton is dead. Crystal arrives next and announces that she and Jason shall now be together forever and ever. She’s sadly mistaken. Jason limps off, but not before Crystal hints that things will change for him at the next full moon.
Tommy Merlotte goes to see his maw. Maw announces that she done left Joe Lee. That makes Tommy right proud. They both proclaim their disdain for Sam, who is currently rolling up on Luna. Luna answers her front door when Sam comes calling, but it’s, um, not a good time. See, Luna has a daughter named Emma, and Emma wants to play Barbies. But Sam likes kids and they go ahead and play Barbies. Luna tells Sam she fears for her daughter; little Emma might turn nasty the way many shifter kids do. Luna also reveals that her ex is a werewolf. Could be Alcide, could be some other hot werewolf who goes commando, it’s not real clear at the moment. But Luna thinks the werewolf spies on her and might get real jealous that Sam is making a move.
Marnie and the gang from the Mystery Machine are poring through books, looking for some spell that’ll help them thwart fang types. Whoa, now, here’s a book. And it has the right spell in it! Maybe they can heal Eric and stop Pam from ripping everybody apart!
Alcide tells his girlfriend about how he chased down Eric in the daylight because Sookie needed him to. The girlfriend acts, poorly, like she is not jealous.
Vampire Bill and Portia come callin’ on Mee Maw Caroline Bellefleur. Andrew is there too. They make fine Southern parlor talk. Andy slinks off before Vampire Bill goes through the Bellefleur family tree. Bill has Vampire Vision (TM) and can read the faded writing in the family bible. An unpleasant name comes up, and Mee Maw and Bill get all hush-hush in front of Portia. Then, without another word of explanation, Bill dumps Portia. Portia reminds him that she’s a lawyer, which is almost as scary as being a vampire. So Bill spills: They can’t date anymore because Bill’s own daughter is an ancestor in the Bellefleur family tree. Portia is Bill’s great-great-great-great granddaughter. Incest! Oh no! And they don’t even live in Hot Shot!
Arlene’s little demon baby is up to his infernal ways again. He grabs a marker and scribbles “baby not yours,” or, at least, we think it’s the baby doing that.
Eric is moping because he really enjoyed playing in the sun like he did but now he can’t do it again because there are no other fairies to drain except Sookie. Sookie tries to comfort him without getting nekkid. Eric wants a kiss, and Sookie considers, but someone comes to the door, and it’s Vampire Bill. Bill wants to collect Eric, but Sookie lies and says he’s not there. Bill wants to search the place, but Sookie tries to keep him out. She gets manipulative and says she’s never lied to Bill. This guilts Bill and he backs off.
Jason is still limping about. He’s made it to the side of the road, though, which is impressive, given that he’s fit to hurl, but then he done passes out. Oh no! Yuckum a truck! It barely misses Jason’s hade! Luckily, it’s Jessica and Hoyt and they are on the case! Jessica makes Jason drink her vampire blood so’s that he can heal.
Tommy can tell that his maw has been thrown back in the ring by Joe Lee. He sees fresh scars on her. And speaking of Joe Lee, oh no! Tommy, behind you! There he is, bearing a chain! Joe Lee wraps the chain around Tommy’s throat and announces that maw lied; this couple is still very much alive and well, and Tommy is headed back into the dog-fighting ring whether he likes it or not!
Marnie and the Mystery Machine kids are creating a magic circle in the presence of Pam, hoping that they can restore Eric without him being there. Tara keeps her gun trained on Pam while Marnie recites the spell. Pam is unimpressed and steps into the magic circle to threaten Marnie. Marnie fights back with an offensive spell that reveals Pam’s “true self” -- a moldering corpse.
That’s bound to go over great with the American Vampire League.
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