Recap: 'True Blood' - 'If You Love Me, Why Am I Dyin'?'
More revelations: Sookie smells not only like “freedom,” but also wheat, honey and sunlight -- which, according to vampires, has a smell. In case you’ve been glamoured sometime in the past week and forgot all about what the witches have done to Eric to make him talk like this, here you go: They joined hands, summoned some necromantastic force and fried Eric’s brain. Now Eric can’t remember who Sookie is, only that she smells like the items listed above.
Run, Sookie, run! You are not Eric’s “f***in’ dinner!” And you are not a cast member of Jersey Shore, even if Eric just called you Snookie, which, for the record, is awesome. Eric isn’t real sure what happened to him, but he recalls the spell “emptied” him, and that Marnie apparently can look really hot when she speaks Latin.
“Everything I was, was taken from me,” Eric says. His shirt, for example. Other than that, it’s not real clear what was taken from Eric; he can still smell, he can still whip out his fangs and he can still run like Carl Lewis on meth. He also still remembers to speak without using contractions.
Marnie seems to be recovering nicely from her merger with the underspirits and her attack by Eric. Tara, however, is bitter at being attacked by another vampire. Again. Lafayette, however, is more worried about his own perky butt. He advises that the coven proceed with caution but Marnie is uppity and wants to fight back. Problem is, she can’t remember exactly what she did to make Eric skitter off.
Jason wakes up after Crystal’s efforts to make him a right fine panther man. A wise old coot is spinnin’ the yarn ‘bout how the good folks of Hot Shot got to be panther-iffic. Panthers used to be king o’ the nature, y’all! That was before the Sky People came and turned man against nature, or some sort of such. The way that the panther people fought back sounds an awful lot like the creation of skinwalkers, except, as we’ve been told by Luna, skinwalkers can turn into any animal, not just head-licking panthers.
Anyhoo, Jason repeats his desire to just be killed already if this is how he’s gonna have to live, all bloody and tied up to a bed like he is. But Crystal reassures him that he will “turn” panther eventually.
Cut to a staged YouTube video produced by a group located at Vamps-Kill.com. A real vampire appears in the video, feeding on a human, which is a no-no. Vampire Bill wrangles the wayward vampire and sentences him to a “true death.” Jessica arrives looking for some aspirin for Hoyt, or so she says. Vampire Bill knows all, and Vampire Bill calls Jessica out, asking her why she is really here. Jessica admits to feeding on a fang-banger who is not named Hoyt. Given that the victim was willing, there’s not much for Bill to really care about, kingly and saddled with more pressing matters like he is. But Jessica hates her life, and Bill is her maker, so that means he gets to hear this stuff. Bill gives some terrible advice: Tell Hoyt the truth.
It appears that one thing the witches have taken from Eric is his recent memory: He doesn’t remember that he owns Sookie’s house, so Sookie has to invite him in. Sookie phones Pam, who generously blows off her fang-banger du nuit to see just how bad the witch damage is. It’s really bad; Eric, for one, is polite now. Polite! Pam announces that Sookie needs to protect Eric from the witches that sucked his brain. Pam also insists that Sookie keep this new development from Vampire Bill. After all, Pam suspects that sending Eric to the witches was some sort of trap. Sookie is all, whatever, if I am gonna babysit this hot piece of ass, y’all can pay me.
Hoyt has been watching anti-vampire rhetoric on TV, essentially the Nancy Grace of anti-undead. Jessica, taking Bill’s stupid advice, admits that she was with a guy in a feeding sense. She only knew him vampirically, not biblically, but Hoyt is pissed anyway. Jessica glamours him to make him forget what she never should have told him in the first place.
Sookie leads Eric into his fancy new cubby hole. Eric very nicely asks if Sookie could please be his so that he can get a taste of that honey wheat blood. But he’s polite now so he lets Sookie be.
Lafayette, Jesus and Tara are confabbing about Eric. Lafayette suggests “throwing my black ass at his mercy” and see if he backs off. Tara demurs. Jesus likes her sass. And really, who doesn’t? Jesus promises not to let Lafayette go to Fangtasia and make a bloody mess of himself.
Andy Bellefleur is starting to jones for more V and he needs Jason’s help to go clean, but Jason is still tied up being turned into a panther. Instead, Andy gets Sam Merlotte. Bellefleur goes off on Sam and throws a punch at him in his V-addled state. Then he pulls a gun! Sam does not turn into an owl and fly off. Andy leaves instead.
Finally! After two and a half episodes, we get to see Alcide. Hi, Alcide. You’re looking right fine, I must say. Nice house, too. Sookie goes to see him in his new digs in Shreveport. She then asks him to take care of Eric Northman. Alcide’s crazy-add girlfriend Debbie enters and announces she is clean and sober and right with Jesus. Sookie makes to leave, remembering that Debbie tried to kill her once, but Alcide volunteers to put Eric up in an unoccupied house nearby.
Tommy is learning how to read with the help of the Home Shoppin’ Network. Hoyt’s ma praises his skills just as the doorbell rings. Tommy gets it. A suit tells Tommy that Mrs. Fortenberry has her mitts on some natural gas rights and he is ready to negotiate for said rights. Tommy announces himself as Max Fortenberry and seems primed for a scam.
Jason has a fever, which means he’s turning into a right fine panther man. Jason don’t like it, but Crystal is all excited about how Jason is going to save the panther person race. Crystal gives him “Mexican viagra.”
Tara tells Sookie about what happened to Eric and begs Sookie to get Eric to forgive Lafayette, but Sookie is pretty sure that the New Polite Eric is no threat. Sam rolls up on Tara like old times and offers her tequila shots. Tara insists that she didn’t leave because of Sam; Sam offers her a, ahem, bed. Tara demurs, at least until next episode. When they finally stop flirting on each other they realize that Lafayette has gone. Oh no, could he be headed to Fangtasia even though it’s -- HEL-lo -- daytime?
Portia Bellefleur meets with Vampire King Bill. She has a proposition, and it’s not a business proposition. She wishes to add sex to their currently professional relationship. Vampire Bill replies by saying he can never love anyone, which is a lie, but Portia don’t care, so they’re off to the sack. He beds her, but doesn't bite her (thought she graciously offers up her porcelain neck).
Jessica gives Arlene’s baby that dead ghost doll that keeps coming out of the lake. The baby seems to like it. Meanwhile, also at Merlotte’s, Tommy approaches Sam about teaming up to scam Mrs. Fortenberry out of her gas drilling rights. Do-gooder Sam is not amused and tells Tommy to go be honest with Mrs. Fortenberry. So much for brothers reuniting.
Pam is busy beating up Lafayette over what he helped do to her maker. Tara and Jesus bust in bearing wooden bullets. Jesus announces he’s brujo. Pam looks unamused. She gives the threesome 24 hours to produce the witch who fried Eric’s brain, or suffer the consequences. Marnie, meanwhile, is speaking to whatever spirit helped her with Eric. Marnie asks the spirit to downright occupy her, because, come on, that’s great television, and the spirit is all, fine, here I am already.
Jason wakes up to realize he’s being shagged by Crystal. Jason announces he wished he never laid eyes on her. It looks like every woman in Hot Shot is going to get to rape Jason while he’s tied up.
Sookie’s fairy godmother shows up at her -- Eric’s -- house. Fairy Godmother says she can keep Sookie safe, but before they can parlay much further, Eric swoops in and sucks her dry. No word on whether Fairy Godmother tastes more like honey, wheat or freedom. Or sunshine.
What'd you think of this week's episode?
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