Recap: 'True Blood' - 'I Wish I Was The Moon'
Breaking news from the city of Bon Temps: Sookie is just the most beautiful thing ever! Prettier than even the most well-stacked Viking lass bearing two gallon-tankards of mead, right Eric Northman? Eric? Hey! Eric! Stop making out with Sookie and answer me! Oh no! Here comes His Majesty King Vampire Bill running all fast and crashing into Sookie’s house and breaking up the bloodsucker-on-Tinkerbell romance! Bill arrests Eric in connection with this nebulous necromancy business. Sookie gets all pissy but can’t do anything.
Eric is put into the same vampire hoosegow slammer as Pam. Poor Pam. She looks like she escaped from the set of the Valley of the Dolls of the Living Dead. Pam reminds Eric that he’s supposed to be an undead sociopath, not this hapless happy dip who thinks he loves people. Ergo, Eric needs to start mannin’ up and bustin’ heads. Eric demurs. He insists he wants to be a good vampire now, a nice one that shags fairies instead of draining them. This news vexes Pam greatly.
Bill horns in on Nan and tells her he’s nabbed the Vikin’. Bill makes Eric sound unstable and dangerous instead of what he really is, which is brainwashed and horny for Sookie. Bill requests special dispensation for imposing the True Death. Nan sees through Bill but nonetheless says she shall consider.
Oh no! Devil baby has set Arlene’s house afire with his devil baby ways! Terry whisks Arlene outside just as the home explodes, and they fear for their kids. Turns out the kids, including the devil baby and his devil baby doll, were outside the whole time. But not in a normal way, in a creepy way. While the whole family is outside, a strange pretty lady materializes and smiles at the baby for a second and then disappears.
The next morning, Terry is holding an armadillo while explaining last night’s disaster to Sam Merlotte. Andy is also there, sheriff like he is, and vows to investigate. Of course Andy is sailing high on the crest of a wave of vampire blood; he’s even able to help the nearby Holly move a La-Z-Boy in a manner so impressive that he scores a date with the hot witch waitnress.
Tommy is awake and totally a skinwalker by now. After taking a call from Sam and agreeing to open the bar for him, he accidentally turns himself into a replica of his brother. This freaks him out, but not for long.
Let’s check in on the brujo situation. Jesus asks his grand-dad for protection from vampires. The brujo is, all, whatevs, you ran off in a huff 20 years ago, you user, but bring me a sacrifice and I shall consider.
Tara’s hot babe shows up and demands the truth. Tara provides it. Then they git it on.
Is Jason Stackhouse a proper Ghost Daddy by now? Damn, he ain’t fully cooked yet? Well cook up, Ghost Daddy; the head-licking kids of Hot Shot need their patriarch! And Sookie needs more help! Where ARE you, Jason Stackhouse? Anyway, Sookie really does need more help. She goes to Merlotte’s and asks Sam for the day off. But it’s Tommy in Sam’s skin that Sookie actually encounters. For kicks, Tommy, in the skin of Sam, tells Sookie to git on out; she’s fired.
Sookie tracks down her brother. He is handcuffed to a bed, waiting for the full moon to turn him into a Ghost Daddy. Sookie points out that the handcuffs won’t restrain much if really is about to turn into a were-panther, but she offers to help in any fairylike way she can. Jason says that if he grows claws and teeth that Sookie should shoot him in his hade. Sookie declines and says that being supernatural can be cool! You’ll see! Jason appreciates all that, but then the moon comes out, and when Sookie goes to grab him a beer, Jason disappears.
Meanwhile, Alcide comes home to see that Debbie has joined the local wolf pack without her boyfriend’s permission. Debbie defends her decision, insisting she needs to get out and meet more people.
Marnie is still holed up in Bill’s vampire hoosegow, but not the same cell as Pam and Eric. Marnie begs for help from her avenging spirit tenant. She gets another flashback: Her spirit tenant, Antonia, is being feasted on by the local vampire Inquisitors. Antonia’s not broken enough, so the vampires rape her. Later, when the woman is being burned alive and recites her curses again, we see the result: Many of the vampire Inquisitors are dragged out into the sun and burned even crispier than the accused witch. It’s very impressive, but then the spirit totally blows Marnie’s mind by appearing before her in the present and letting Marnie inhale her. Now Marnie is only Marnie on the outside. Her creamy middle is all Antonia.
Jesus and Lafayette snag a rattlesnake for their sacrifice. The brujo grabs the snake and lets it bite Jesus before throwing the snake in a fire. A new spirit appears -- Bob from the Black Lodge in Twin Peaks -- and he enters Lafayette. The spirit calls himself Tio Luca and hangs around just long enough to heal Jesus.
Tara and her hot girlfriend have finished gittin’ it on and they go to Merlotte’s. Jessica is supposed to be their server, but she hears something, cocks her head (and her fangs) and sprints off. She has sensed Jason’s fear! She meets him in the woods to save him from whatever his problem is! Jason is having breathing problems on account of his Ghost Daddy health issues, but he looks at Jessica’s titties and feels right better.
Sookie is looking for Jason herself, armed with a big old shotgun. She finds Debbie and Alcide instead. Sookie takes the opportunity to ask about the genesis of were-people. Alcide and Debbie tell Sookie that humans cannot be turned into werewolves or werepanthers or were-anything. It’s genetic, period. Sookie is delighted!
Skinwalker Tommy is still posing as his brother when Luna comes over and gets nekkid. Tommy declines to turn back into Tommy and gits it on with Luna. Suddenly, Tommy isn’t feeling so good and tells Luna to beat it. Just after she leaves, Tommy vomits, and shows generally disturbing signs of skinwalkerdom.
The moon gets high, but Jason doesn’t turn into a weredude. So he and Jessica talk. Jessica makes him feel special despite the fact that he isn’t supernatural. Then they have a Moment, one significant enough that they both agree that should not share it with Hoyt.
Vampire Bill is gazing up at the Vampire Moon on the grounds of his fabulous royal mansion. Eric is brought out of the mansion by armed guards. Bill tells Eric that it is time for him to die. Eric says that’ll be OK, I guess, because the old Eric was mean anyway, and he deserves no mercy. All Eric asks is that Bill release Pam. She’s all shriveled and won’t be much of a threat anyway. And oh, hey, Bill? Tell Sookie that the New Nice Eric will miss her, but maybe something good will come out of this. Maybe Bill and Sookie can get back together, because Sookie deserves happiness. Bill clearly didn’t see this niceness coming.
Tara’s girlfriend decides she likes Tara better than Toni. It’s sweet, but then Pam shows up with her rotten face. She attacks.
Marnie’s captors notice that she’s acting hinky. One of bald sheriffs, who also happens to be one of the surviving vampires from back in the Inquisition, enters Marnie’s cell to confront her. But the vampire sheriff ends up being Marnie’s thrall instead. Oooh! Face!
The King has set Bill free, of course. Eric and Sookie find each other in the woods and start making out again. They finally get nekkid right there in the woods.
Over at the Kingly Mansion, Bill looks pensive over a snifter of brandy.
What'd you think?